Let It All Go

These past few weeks have been a roller coaster of emotion for me. I had thought I was trusting in God with everything concerning my future, but it appears that I have been secretly holding a minor part back, scared to let it fully go.

And isn't that normal? We want to think we don't need help. We don't want to admit insecurity, fear or doubt. But those are human feelings and emotions that everybody feels. So, why is such a bad thing to admit that we deal with those?

My human nature wants to handle everything myself, saying I don't need God's help. But that's a complete lie - a lie from the enemy, who wants me to focus more on myself and what I can do for my circumstances, instead of realizing that I can't do anything without God's help.

I've had to come to terms with the fact that I'm not fully trusting God. It was a hard fact. I was in a place where I let Him handle it until I got scared or nervous or confused, then I'd yank it back and try to fix it myself.

Proverbs 3:5-6 NIV has been a major instrument in this. Every time I yanked my life and future back and tried to handle it myself, this verse popped up: "Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight."

It got to the point where, when this verse popped up during the sermon yesterday at church, I muttered "I'm so sick of this verse" just loud enough for my girlfriend and my mom to hear me. My mom leaned over and circled "Trust in the LORD", and said: "Maybe if you'd start doing this, you wouldn't need this reminder so often."

Way to effectively slap me in the face, Mom.

But she's completely right. I hadn't realized it at the time, but now I know: I wasn't trusting the Lord. At least not fully. I was trusting Him, but with a contingency that, if I didn't like how it was being handled, I'd take it back.

Let me just say: God doesn't work on contingencies. It's either His way or our way; there is no in-between. And if we do it our way, it never works out how it should.

God knows exactly what He's doing, and I have to learn to trust Him, even if I don't fully understand what He's doing.

It could take days. It could take weeks. God forbid, it could even take years.

In the Bible, Joseph was a slave for years, then thrown into prison for multiple more years, and yet God still used him for His purposes. While Joseph was confused, full of doubt and insecurities - and most likely wondering what God was doing - he fully trusted that God was preparing him and was going to provide a way for him to be used. And, boy, did He.

How could Joseph, a slave and prisoner, trust in God fully, while I'm struggling with it? I'm not a slave. I'm not a prisoner. I don't have to deal with the kinds of struggles that Joseph went through, and yet he exemplified what it means to have a total dependence on God.

If there's ever a role model for you, it'd be Joseph.

God's timing is perfect. As my pastor likes to say: "God is a crockpot God; He works in our lives slowly. We can't microwave our life when He's slowly cooking our futures."

If I tried to rush into something now, I wouldn't be fully prepared. And that's another hard truth that I've had to realize: I would not be prepared on my own. God will take His time in order to prepare me mentally, physically, spiritually, intellectually, and emotionally. God will open doors when He knows I'm prepared for that next step.

The future is a scary place, because it's full of the unknown. I hate uncertainty. I don't mind spontaneity, but I at least like to know some kind of plan, no matter how rough of a sketch, just so I know a bit what I can expect.

I think that's why this is so difficult for me. Because, right now, I'm in the dark. I have no idea what's going to happen. I don't know where He is going to lead me. I don't understand why He is leading me down this path when there seems to be no end in sight. I'm scared of where He might potentially be calling me. I'm worried about the sacrifices I'll have to make in order to follow Him and His will for my life.

This is a daily struggle that I have to remind myself of, simply because my human nature wants to take control. But then I remember the song "Thy Will" by Hillary Scott and the Scott Family: "I'm so confused. I know I heard You loud and clear, so I followed through. Somehow I ended up here... Sometimes I've gotta stop, remember that You're God, and I am not, so Thy will be done. Thy will be done. Thy will be done... I know You see me. I know You hear me, Lord. Your plans are for me, goodness You have in store...."

Or, "Brave" by Moriah Peters: "No one ever told me this would be easy, but I never knew that it could be this hard. Oh, the worry, the worry, the worry is weighing on me. Could you help me break down all these question marks and make me brave! I'll fight like a soldier. Brave! Rise like a warrior. Brave! Won't stop 'til the final day. Brave! I want to be stronger. Brave! Gonna be bolder. Brave! Look up and I see the way You make me brave!"

Or even, "More Than You Think I Am" by Danny Gokey: "I'm more than you dreamed, more than you understand. Your days and your times were destined for our dance... Be still and trust My plan. I'm more than you think I am, more than you think I am."

When I deal with these insecurities, fears, doubts and confusion, I have to remind myself that He is in control, He has great plans for me, and anything He has prepared for me is better than I could ever have planned for myself.

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" - Jeremiah 29:11 NIV.

So, I just have to trust in Him and let it all go; He's going to work it out. That's so much easier said than done, but it's definitely worth doing.

Mama's Boy

I want to take a few minutes and talk about someone who is very near and dear to me: my mother.

Recently, my mom was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease, and she's having a very hard time coping with it. I try to remind her of how strong she is and that God is guiding her path, even through this difficult time.

It's difficult to watch someone go through such a struggle. But, it's also difficult to believe someone who tells you how strong you are when you're going through a struggle and you don't feel like you're handling it very well.

Let me back up a little and give some background on my mother:

Before I was born, my parents were foster parents. They took in children who didn't have a forever-home, and loved them until they found one. Eventually, they adopted two of these children: my brothers, Jason and Michael.

Little did they know the struggles that would come from this. The younger of the two boys had a variety of issues: at just a few weeks old, he was addicted to crack; he is bipolar; he had asthma; he has the reading mentality of a 4th grader; he has the social skills of a middle-schooler; he has anger issues.

Watching my mom handle my brother when he gets into one of his moods is so inspiring. She's so incredibly strong, even when she breaks down. Of course she has days where she wants to call it quits, and she cries and asks "Why me?", but for the past 26 years, she has loved and cherished my brother, despite all of those issues he has/had.

He can flip from the nicest guy you've met to the meanest in the drop of a hat, and my mom handles it like a champ. She knows how to react towards him to make his mood mellow out. She knows how to calm him down when he gets frustrated or annoyed. She knows how to appease him when he's freaking out about something as trivial as the gender of his chickens. Because, to him, those are major issues - even though, to us, they're trivial and don't really matter, I have to constantly remind myself of his mental state. He's 26 years old, but doesn't always act like it.

And, sure, my mom has to remind herself of this as well sometimes, but generally, she handles him so much better than I do.

Then, when I was 2 years old, my mom got in a bad car wreck. She was thrown threw the window, and, long story short, she walked with a cane for the better part of 15 years. At one point, it had gotten so bad that my parents had to invest in an electronic wheelchair to make sure she was able to get around the house.

So, on top of trying to cope with the adoption of a crack-addicted, bipolar, mentally-disabled 3-year-old, my mother now had to teach herself how to walk again. I don't remember much of it because I was so young, but I do remember seeing her favorite cane leaning next to the door, next to the pew at church, or next to her chair.

But just knowing that she persevered and got to a point where she didn't need that cane or the electronic wheelchair anymore is so inspiring. When it all seemed hopeless, she pushed through and found a strength within herself. When others would have given up on themselves, she never did.

And now, she's dealing with Parkinson's. I think this one is hitting her the hardest of everything else: she easily gets dizzy; she has trouble texting or writing because her hands shake; she has to walk with her cane again; she can't drive more than 5 miles away from the house; she forgets words; for a while, she was scared to babysit my niece and nephew.

It was a culmination of a great many things that came crashing down in one big, massive tidal wave, spinning her world out of control, and making her wonder how she would ever get through it.

But I just have to say: I know my mother. I've watched her my entire life. She is one of the strongest women -- if not the strongest woman -- I have ever met. She barely ever complains, and when she does, it's because she's finally had enough. She handles problems and issues with grace and faith. Through everything she's gone, she has relied on God to help her. Her faith has been unwavering, despite it all.

She may not see it now, but I know... I just know that she will survive this. She will come out on top, like she always has. She will find a way to handle this with grace and elegance and love. Instead of letting Parkinson's use her, she will use it.

She used to write for a magazine about being a foster and adoptive parent to a bipolar child. Instead of focusing on how bad she had it, she used her experience to help others. I would not be surprised if she found a way to use her experiences with Parkinson's to aid others who can't or won't handle it nearly as well as I know she will.

Does she have days where she feels pity for herself? Sure, who doesn't? But, do the days that she's more concerned with helping others and being strong outweigh those? You better believe it.

My mom is my hero. She always has been. And, even though she's struggling now, she's going to triumph in the end.

When TV Gets Too Real

When I'm at the gym, I tend to either listen to Pandora or watch Hulu, depending on what I'm doing. If I'm lifting weights, it's Pandora; if I'm doing cardio, I watch Hulu. It helps the workout go by a little faster, and I can focus on the lyrics or dialogue instead of on my labored breathing or aching muscles.

Just the other day, I was watching an episode of a show called "Awkward", which is just as the title implies: about a group of friends and awkward situations they find themselves in. It's almost like a mini-soap opera.

Anyway, as I am finishing up my workout, right before the credits roll, one of the characters said something very profound:

"As much as I want to tell you not to go because it's what I want, I'm not. Instead, I'm just going to say this: don't do this for him. Don't do this for me. Do this for you. Do what's right for you. Choose yourself."

And black.

Hearing this from such a soap-operay type of show was quite strange, because it was actually very deep. And it made me think back to a time when I had to make a difficult decision to choose myself, to do what's right for me instead of what everyone was telling me to do.

I got some flak for my decision, but if those people who didn't support me then could see me now, they'd know just how wonderful of a decision it was. I'm so much happier; I'm in a better place physically, emotionally and definitely spiritually.

So here's my addition to that quote:

Don't let anybody make decisions for you. Figure out what you want for your life, pray about it and ask for discernment on where He wants you to go, and forge ahead. Sometimes it'll be terrifying (trust me on this), but God has great plans for you.

As people, we so often want to ask other people's opinions on what we should do. But you know something? They aren't the ones who have to deal with the circumstances of that decision. They aren't the ones who have to handle the repercussions if we choose something they want for us instead of us choosing what's best for ourselves.

Don't get me wrong: I definitely believe in asking for opinions or guidance. But I don't believe that we should base all of our decisions on what someone else says. Sometimes we will receive guidance leading one way, when in our hearts we know we're supposed to be heading down a completely different path.

Sometimes we may have to blaze a trail that's never been blazed before. Sometimes, we have to step out in faith in our God that He has called us to do something bigger, greater, more amazing than we could ever even consider, and that, because He has called us to it, He will help us blaze that trail.

In times of doubt and intimidation, we need to remember Jeremiah 29:11 NIV: "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"

God wants us to choose Him first and foremost, and part of that includes choosing ourselves. We have to listen to His guidance and choose for ourselves where we believe He is calling us to, not where everybody else is telling us we're supposed to be.

This can be difficult in today's society, where everybody has an opinion on everything and one miss-step can paint you in a bad light. But we have to remember that just because someone has an opinion on something doesn't necessarily mean it's true.

The only thing we can truly rely on is God's direction; He will never lead us astray. And honestly, I'd much rather be concerned with God's opinion of me and my life than anybody else's opinion.

So, I say again: choose  yourself. Listen to God, and base your personal decisions on where He is guiding you, instead of what someone else wants for you.

Choose God, then choose yourself based on His direction.

Family Matters

This past week and a half, I was on vacation with my girlfriend and her family. We had a great time; but, one conversation with her dad, that lasted until 2:30am, has stuck with me.

We discussed a variety of things from me asking for his blessing, to our relationship, to my job, to my girlfriends' job, to family. The conversation just continued to flow from one topic to the next. However, one particular topic we discussed was family, and this topic has been stuck in my mind ever since.

More specifically, how important family is.

Sometimes, I believe that we take family for granted. We know they'll always be there for us, no matter the circumstance, so we don't really think about the fact that we may be slowly burning bridges with them.

This is extremely detrimental to the family unit, because if we take our family for granted, then they feel their value and importance is diminished: they're simply there because they're family.

I know I've struggled with this in the past, and hopefully I am doing a much better job of showing my family just how important they are to me. I don't want my family to have any doubt as to how important they are to me; I truly cherish each and every one of them. Yes, even those who drive me crazy or are super strange.

My family would not be the same without them in it.

And this also includes people who have become like family to me. These range from my girlfriend's family, some of my best friends, and also to some people at my church and work. I hope they all know just how important they are to me, and that I look forward to seeing them every chance I get.

This is a struggle, though. It's easy to fall into a mindset of complacency where we begin taking people for granted, especially those who are always there. It's easy to put our jobs, our enjoyments or our own schedules above others, because it's what we want. But, I believe, the only thing that should be above family is God. Our relationship with God should come first, and our relationship with our family (and those we consider family) should come second. From there, we can branch out to other things.

It's a fine line to tread, so we must be careful.

We must check ourselves when it comes to our relationships, to make sure that we aren't over-stepping and taking someone for granted. It's easy to fall into a pattern of expectation, where, since the family member is always there for us, we expect them to be there for us, and when they aren't or can't be, we get upset with them.

That's just not right. How can we be mad or upset at someone because they didn't follow our expectations?

Because we have begun taking them for granted, and so we're 'disappointed' when they don't fall in step with what we want or desire. That's where the detriment to a relationship comes from, because then we start seeing them as 'flaky', 'inconsistent', or 'untrustworthy'. All because they didn't fit our expectations of what we think they should do for us.

All because we took them for granted, and we aren't happy when they don't fit our mold.

I suggest taking time to make our family know just how important they are to us, because we don't know how long they'll be in our lives. This could be a simple gesture of just helping around the house, or something grandiose like celebrating them spontaneously.

When we do get the opportunity to see them - because, let's be real, sometimes we don't see family as often as we'd like - we need to make a point of making them know just how excited we are to see them. Chances are good they've missed us just as much as we've missed them.

Don't let another day go by without letting those you love know how much they mean to you. Let them know that you'll be there for them whenever you can, and realize that they'll be there for you when they can. But don't hold resentment towards them when they don't fall into your expectations, because they're only human, and sometimes things come up.

We can't take family for granted. It's a treasure from God, one that we should cherish forever.

Life is fleeting; nobody will be here forever, so take the time to make those you love feel their importance. Be sure to let them know how much they are valued by you.

It doesn't matter how cheap or expensive, easy or time-consuming it is; sometimes the best gestures are the simplest. And sometimes the simplest are the most cherished.

When you have to say goodbye, make that hug or kiss count. Don't do a simple peck on the cheek or a quick squeeze. Hold on tight; don't be the first to let go. You never know when you'll get another.

Make sure your family knows, because in the end, your family - and those you consider family - are what really matter.

Intentionally Speaking

Proverbs 12:18 NIV says: "The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing."

Working with kids at my church, babysitting my niece and nephew, being an 'adopted uncle' to some boys at church, and hanging out with my girlfriends' siblings, I have learned one major thing: watch what you say.

When you are surrounded by kids, you have to make sure you word things in a way that is innocent to their ears so that they don't  begin saying something they shouldn't. But honestly, if a child shouldn't say it, neither should we.

If we get onto a kid for saying something, why do we feel it's alright for us to say it, just because we are an adult?

I have caught myself saying things along the lines of the casual: "Well, that's retarded."
Or even the jovial: "Okay, short-bus."
Or even the laughing: "You're such an idiot."

But when we hear kids say these things, our tunes change. We tell them to watch their mouths, or 'you shouldn't say that'.

Why is it okay for an adult to say those kind of things, but a child can't? After all, kids are always listening. They're learning from us what they're supposed to say and do, and this includes those casual derogatory statements we all make without even thinking about it. So, how can we get onto them when they're just copying us?

This can also be geared towards harsher words that we, as society, have deemed a cuss-word. Personally, I try not to cuss, and most of the people I know don't cuss. But, why is it that the adults who cuss don't see the problem with it, but once a child says the same word, our reaction is either: 1) "How cute!?" or 2) "Don't say that!" ?

None of that makes sense to me. I don't believe in double standards, and once you boil it down, that's all this is: a double standard. Adults can do one thing while telling kids to do another.

Proverbs 20:23 NIV talks on this very clearly: "The LORD detests double standards; He is not pleased by dishonest scales."

Interesting. The Lord detests double standards. And yet, as a society, we seem to live with them, almost willingly.

As I continue to learn more about what kids ministry entails, I have intentionally changed the way I speak. I don't want to be considered a double standard. I don't want a kid to hear me say something unintentionally derogatory, and think that's okay. I don't want anyone to hear me say something that could be deemed derogatory, and think "well, if that's how Christian's act, I don't want to be one."

If we say something is 'retarded', that's derogatory to the people who have any type of retardation, whether mentally or physically.

If we say something is 'gay', that's derogatory towards homosexuals of both genders.

If we joke about someone being 'slow' or 'riding the short-bus', that's derogatory towards those who deal with those handicaps daily.

As a society, we need to be intentional in what we say. We need to guard our tongues, and make sure that we aren't being derogatory, whether intentionally or unintentionally. We must speak words of kindness and love, instead of ones that have the potential to harm others.

As Christians, we must live and speak in a way that guides people to Christ. That's our sole purpose on Earth: to lead people to Christ and help grow His kingdom.

"But you will receive power when the Holy Spirits has come upon you, and you will be witnesses in Jerusalem and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the end of the earth.' - Acts 1:8 ESV.

It's hard to do this when we're living a double standard by saying one thing, then getting onto kids for doing the same thing.

So, why don't we start leading by example by guarding our tongues, speaking intentionally, and raising a generation who doesn't throw derogatory terms out like moon pies at a Mardi Gras parade?

Proactive Living Can Produce Miracles

When we go through hardships or trials, we ask for people to pray in support of us. We ask for people to pray for strength, courage, endurance, patience, whatever we need in order to survive the hardship or trial we are facing.

And that's all well and good.

But, what happens when we ask for prayer, but don't follow up on praying ourselves?

Recently, a lot of changes have been thrown at my life, from whether or not I'm supposed to leave my current career to pursue a new career and passion I feel God is giving me, to whether or not I'm supposed to move out on my own, to when is the right time to move my relationship forward, to daily things I struggle with, to minor things that a simple prayer could easily remedy.

There is a constant stream of needs in my life that require prayer. When one thing resolves itself, it seems another pops up. When that one gets fixed, something else decides to rear its ugly head. It's an endless cycle, and in today's society, it's almost too easy to simply pass the issue to someone else and try to make it their problem.

With the past weekend's tragedies in Orlando from Christina Grimmie being shot after her concert, to the mass murder at the gay nightclub, to the unfortunate and untimely death of a 2-year-old from an alligator attack, social media is buzzing with posts about praying for these people and their families. Prayer for encouragement, peace and strength to get through such a tragic loss.

But when does it become just another thing we say, but don't actively do? Facebook is currently flooding with posts about asking for prayer; but, how often do we share those posts but never actually commit to praying for the families who have to deal with the tragedy? How often do we post something just for the attention it will give us, instead of for true purposes where someone truly needs it? How often have we talked about the tragedies that have happened and complained about the state our world is in, but never actually done anything to fix it?

How often do we talk about the issues, but don't actually pray for them?

On a lighter note, how often do we ask for prayer for ourselves, but then realize that we aren't even really praying for that area in our lives? How often do we talk about what we are dealing with, questioning in our lives, or feel like we're being called to, but don't actually pray about it? How often do we graciously accept others prayers, but don't actively pray ourselves?

How often do we tell someone we will pray for them, then forget? How often does life get so crazy, we forget that we promised to keep someone in our prayers? Personally, it happens more than I'd like to admit. I'll tell someone I'll pray for them, do it once, then completely forget to continue praying for them, because something else has come up.

That is a major issue.

We must realize that we are not here to share a tragic news story in order to get a ton of 'likes' on Facebook. We aren't supposed to post that we're praying for someone, just to show others how holy and righteous we are. We shouldn't ask for prayer for something we aren't willing to actively pray for ourselves. We shouldn't pray for someone once, then consider it a done deal.

With everything that I'm currently dealing with, it's easy to ask for prayer and then turn a blind-eye and think "well, they've got it covered." But that's not right. I have to catch myself when I have these kind of thoughts, because I don't want to become complacent. I don't want to count on other people's prayers to help resolve things I'm dealing with, because for all I know, it was just their way of showing that they're a righteous person, but tomorrow they'll completely forget about my problems. Them praying for me to receive peace, discernment and encouragement is great, but wouldn't it also be even better if I prayed for peace, discernment and encouragement in my situations, as well?

Prayer is the only way to have true peace, because the peace we receive is from Christ: "Peace I leave with you; My peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." - John 14:26 NIV.

God desires a relationship with all of His children, myself included. By allowing someone else to pray for me while I'm not praying for myself, I am neglecting that relationship. It's something we, as Christians, must be proactive about. We must be proactive about our relationship with Christ, and part of this is prayer. The Bible is very clear on this: "Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done." - Philippians 4:6.

We are called to pray about everything, whether for ourselves or for others. We must be proactive.

Instead of focusing on the tragedies of this world and how we can use it for our own gain, we should focus that attention instead on prayer. Instead of just talking nonstop about something we desire, want, feel, or need, we should focus all that energy into prayer. Instead of asking for prayer, then turning away once we know someone else is praying, we should join with them in prayer.

The Bible specifically tells us that when we collectively pray for something, it will be done if we have faith:

"Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven." - Matthew 18:19 NIV.

"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." - Mark 11:24 NIV.

How amazing would it be if our world became one that didn't obsess with having the most Instagram followers, the most Facebook likes, or the most Twitter re-tweets, but rather, collectively joined together in prayer for one another during major tragedies like those in Orlando this past weekend or for decisions that must be made in individual lives?

How astounding would our world be if we were proactive about our relationships with Christ, giving it all to Him, and actually praying for one another without the confines of what good it will do us?

If we join together as a society in prayer instead of focusing on how many likes, tweets or followers we can get for a news article, miraculous things can happen.

Detours and Derailments

Sometimes our lives take a derailment that we weren't expecting, and it can completely throw us off course. This can be absolutely terrifying, especially if you're like me and have your future planned out. If you've worked hard for something, just to believe that you're being called to something else. If you want to follow His guidance, but are scared of the steps.

Let me back up.

Sometime around April, I began feeling like I was supposed to have a bigger part in kids ministry. Not believing that this meant I was supposed to give up my job at the TV station, I stepped up and volunteered more until where I am now: a central part of the kids ministry, where the directors know that whenever they need someone to help out, I'll be there.

Currently, I do media at 8am on Sundays for kids; teach 4th grade boys at 9:30am on Sundays; substitute for 11:15am teachers as needed; recruit people to volunteer with kids ministry; help lead worship on Wednesday nights; teach 5th grade boys on Wednesday nights; and, have gone to one camp, and have another two in the near future.

But, despite all of that, I still felt like I wasn't doing enough. The more I volunteered, the more I thought that next step would be fulfilling, and I would finally be satisfied, but I was wrong. It was just another thing to do - which, I'm not complaining, because I love volunteering - but with that on top of my full-time job, trying to lead a small group, have a social life, act as an 'adoptive uncle' to some kids from the church, and still get plenty of God-time and sleep in, I was slowly becoming mentally exhausted.

Part of me felt like I was supposed to do something drastic. Part of me felt like I was supposed to quit my job at the TV station and work full-time in kids ministry. But, surely that wasn't really the case. I had worked so hard to get where I am now in my career, that surely God wouldn't be calling me to give it all up. It didn't make any sense. I'd have to find another way to cope with all my responsibilities.

This past Sunday, my pastor started a series about the life of Joseph, and at one point, he covered Proverbs 3: 5-6: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths." Then the pastor continued and said: "God is always preparing you for what He has prepared for you."

At the time, it didn't really hit me. Honestly, when I heard this, I thought back to a conversation my girlfriend and I had had a day or two before concerning her job. She wasn't sure if she was supposed to be looking elsewhere or if she was supposed to stay. She was confused and unclear as to where her future was headed. To me, it made perfect sense that this passage of Scripture would speak to her.

Silly me.

It turns out, she was thinking about me during that sermon, and thought that it made perfect sense that the sermon would speak to me.

As I said, I didn't put much thought into it. Then, though small groups are 'on hiatus' until Fall, my group had decided they wanted to continue meeting during the summer, but to watch sermons on RightNow Media and discuss them. After searching the site, we finally settled on one called "Discovering God's Will" by Andy Stanley.

The sermon was going great - it was very impactful and insightful. I felt myself learning more about how to discern what God wanted for me, and my thoughts kept returning to kids ministry. Oddly enough, they never once went to my current job. They were constantly focused on kids ministry and how I could further that.

Then, he mentioned Proverbs 3: 5-6, and I lost concentration.

My heart started to pound; my hands grew clammy; I felt like I couldn't breathe; my stomach was tightening until I felt like I was going to be sick; I felt like someone had reached into my chest, grabbed my heart and began to twist; a headache was beginning to form behind my eyes. I was tempted to stand up and walk out, just to get away from it.

After all of that, I knew what God was telling me: "Stop making excuses. You aren't satisfied, because you aren't listening to what I'm telling you. I don't want you to just volunteer; I have big plans for you in kids ministry, so start paying attention!"

Let me just say, this thought absolutely terrified me. It was thrilling and exhilarating, because I would absolutely love to work with these kids as a full-time job. But it's also terrifying to feel like you've worked so hard to get somewhere in life, just to realize that God is directing you somewhere else.

I had worked so hard to finish college with a degree in broadcast; I had started off at the bottom of the totem-pole as a part-time programmer to where I am currently the Director of Programming, a graphic designer, and a digital sales coordinator. And now, to believe God is calling me to a completely different direction? Terrifying.

How is this possible? Why would He do this to me? Why would He lead me down one path, just to completely alter it to another?

I have absolutely no answers. It didn't, and still doesn't, make any sense. I'm completely lost.

On Monday when I woke up, I decided that I knew what God was telling me, and there was no point in continuing to deny what He's told me: I reached out to the kids director at my church and asked if there were any positions available at the church.

With two words, my life went into a tailspin: "Unfortunately, no."

What? What are you talking about? Why would God tell me something, then completely close that door? Again, it didn't make any sense. I was lost in a tornado of confusion. Not know what else to say, I asked that if any openings arise, they keep me in mind, and his response was "Absolutely". At least that was something.

Then I did my morning devotion and you can probably guess what it was on. If you guessed Proverbs 3: 5-6, you're correct.

Now, I don't believe in coincidence. I don't believe there are accidents. Everything happens for a reason. God allows, or denies, everything that happens for some purpose, whether we realize it or not. And this was no different.

My confusion got swept away. He reminded me that I don't have to understand what's going on. I don't have to understand why He's put this desire in my heart if the opportunity isn't there. Maybe I was only supposed to start this process by allowing my church to know I was interested, and I'm not supposed to rush into it. Maybe He's got something great prepared for me further along.

I. Don't. Know.

I don't understand what God is doing in my life, but He's been consistently reminding me that I don't need to know what He's doing. He's got a great plan for me, and He's going to make my path straight. All I have to do is follow His lead, and I will safely make it through this tornado of confusion.

I still have doubts and questions about it. It's hard to fathom that God would decide to alter my life so drastically, but I know He had a reason for bringing me to the TV station, and that He now has one for potentially taking me away. As Proverbs says, I'm not leaning on my own understanding, because I don't understand it at all.

And God knows this. He knows I'm confused. He's been sending me gentle reminders to show me that He's still got this. In my moments of doubt, I receive confirmation that He's handling this.

For example (and I'm mainly putting these here to remind myself when I have doubts):

1. When I was doing my quiet time at work during my lunch break on Monday, I was reading the footnotes of Joshua and came across: "Like He did at the Red Sea, Yahweh brought His people through a crossing that they could not undertake in their own strength. Every big act for God begins with a small step of faith." -- I took a small step of faith. Now it's God's turn to do a big act with my small step.

2. When I got home from work on Monday, I had a letter from the church (which I have never received mail from the church - normally I just get an email - so this was super weird) for an invitation to a special event for certain leaders who have had a big impact at the church to discuss the "church's expanding vision". -- Could this be an answer? Could they be expanding and this is what God is getting me prepared for? I don't know, and until I attend the meeting in August, I won't, so I've decided not to read too much into it.

3. My girlfriend saw a picture and felt compelled to share it with me. It said: "Further, since it is God who calls us, we can expect to have a burden for whatever it is He wants us to do. For the Apostle Paul, for example, it was preaching the gospel to those who are not Jews. Another way we can identify our calling is to become aware of the burden God has placed on our hearts." -- Well, I can definitely tell you what the burden I feel for my life is.

4. I've spoken to a handful of my family and a few of my closest friends concerning this and their reactions have all been the same: "You would do incredible at that!"; "Your passion for those kids is so evident!"; "I've been wondering when you were going to make that decision!"

5. I was having doubts about my ability to be full-time in kids ministry, and randomly (yeah, right) came across a picture that said: "Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the Ark... professionals built the Titanic."

So, though I don't know where my life is going to lead me, though I don't know when He's going to open doors for me to take another step of faith, I'm trusting in Him that He will take my hand and guide me to the correct doors.

It's terrifying and exhilarating, frightening and exciting, all these crazy emotions at once. But, again, I don't have to lean on my own understanding (hallelujah, because I don't understand any of it), and I can rest assured that God will provide the way if this is truly His will for me.

No Such Thing As A Mistake

While we are on the topic of perfection, there is another topic I feel compelled to talk about. It's something that almost no one even knows about me, because I was... ashamed?... to speak about it.

For about the past 15 years, give or take a few, I have had body issues. This stemmed from being mildly chunky in my adolescence. I wasn't very athletic, so I didn't stay very trim and toned like a lot of the other guys in my class. Even though I was never obese, I was slightly overweight - and when you're in 6th grade and everyone is trying to be cool, they tend to pick on someone who is a bit heavy.

When everyone else is getting taller and thinner while you're staying about the same height, but getting a little wider, you easily become the butt of a lot of jokes. That's what happened to me all through middle school, and part of high school.

Eventually, it got to the point where I would skip breakfast (though, I was never a big breakfast eater anyway), refuse to eat lunch at school, opting to eat a snack when I got home, then eat dinner. I'd skip two meals, trying to see if it would help.

Let me tell you - it didn't. If anything, it slowed down my metabolism and made me gain even more weight.

Finally, I got a little taller and my weight stretched with me. I got slimmer. I was doing better with my self-image, not all that concerned with it - but only because I had slimmed down, and was now mostly proportionate for my weight.

And then came college.

Every freshman is scared of the freshman 15, but I was only mildly worried about it. True, I didn't want to gain the freshman 15 and relive middle- and high-school, but I also didn't want to miss out on anything. If there were snow-cones at school, I got two. If the ice cream truck came by, you can bet I had at least one. On chicken nugget Monday, I was definitely in that line.

And, because of this, I did gain a little weight - not a ton, but some. And my obsession with my body image came back. I began comparing myself to athletic guys at school. I started trying to go to the gym more often, even though I didn't know how half of the equipment worked - I mostly just did the treadmill. I cut back on my ice cream and snow-cone intake.

I was doing whatever I could in order to have the perfect body. But, nothing seemed to work. So, I gave up. I resigned myself to being a bit chunky - even though, if we're being perfectly honest, I wasn't really all that chunky. I had a little stomach flab, but who doesn't? Unless you have 0% body fat, which is NOT healthy, you are going to have a little flab somewhere.

If only I could tell that to my adolescent, teenage, and college self.

Well, then I got in a long-term relationship. Even though she never complained about how I looked, I began worrying that she was going to leave me for some 'hotter' guy. Because, as far as I knew, that's all that mattered to her - looks.

I began going to the gym again, learning the different machines, figuring out what worked and what didn't. I would try to find healthy recipes so that I could eat what I love, but learn to make a healthy alternative.

As I was doing this, she was not doing anything, and was slowly gaining weight. She tried to come to the gym with me multiple times, but always made some excuse as to why she couldn't. Her shoulder hurt this week. Her knee the next. She was too tired. She had too much to do.

That's fine - I was happy to go to the gym by myself. I'd been doing so for about 6 months already.

But then came the comments:
"You're looking a little pudgy."
"Have you even worked your arms in the past month?"
"You clearly skipped leg day."
"You shouldn't eat that."
"What's the point of going to the gym? It's not working. You're just wasting money."

As sad as it is, these were coming from my (now ex) wife. And because I valued (see the past tense?) her opinion, I took her comments to heart.

And I was back in middle school.

I've struggled to get my mind right to where I don't worry about how I look for a very long time. It's not the easiest thing to do, especially when tabloids are showing the 'hottest' new actors or singers or whatever, and they're showing off their six-packs or their bulging biceps. Or when people you know fawn over said celebrities, because of how they look.

Or when you're at the gym, and you see other guys about your size who are ripped, and you wonder: "how did they do that? Are they using steroids? Am I missing something?"

So, I began putting in 2 hours of work at the gym a day, eating as much salad as I could, making apples and oranges and grapes my snack of choice. And it seemed to work for a little bit, but I still wasn't happy. I was still comparing myself to all these other people, whom I didn't even know.

How sad is that?

I'm tired of comparing myself to other guys. I'm me. God made me who I am, and as my girlfriend reminded me when I mentioned this to her, He doesn't make mistakes.

I went to a pool party yesterday, and almost didn't remove my shirt because I was 'ashamed' of the small amount of flab on my stomach, and because I don't have pecs. But then two of my best guy friends removed their shirts, and they had flab on their stomachs and didn't have pecs either. And they didn't care. They were just having a good time at the pool.

That got me thinking, if they can do it, why can't I? So, I took a chance, and removed my shirt.

And you know what their reactions were? They didn't comment on my flab. They didn't make fun of me because I didn't have pecs.

They told me they were glad they brought sunglasses because I was blinding them with how pale I was.

Yeah. They didn't even mention my stomach or my chest. They didn't make fun or jab or criticize or tell me I needed to eat better or go to the gym more. They literally only joked about how pale I was, asking if I was Irish.

Then, last night as I was browsing the internet, one of my Facebook friends had shared a picture from Tumblr. I tried to find it, but no dice.

It read: "The next person you see, go tell them they're ugly. Point out their flaws. Tell them they need to fix their imperfections. Criticize them until they cry.... That's hard, isn't it? So, why do we do that to ourselves?"

And it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was doing exactly that. I was pointing out my flaws instead of focusing on anything else that's good about how I look.

Then, another friend shared this picture from a fitness model on Facebook:

Her caption says: "You girls requested for me to share this after posting on snap last week :) Picture on the left was taken one day before the wedding and the picture on the right was taken... 2 minutes after! Someone recently said to me that we all have our good angles and we all have our bad angles, so why do we let our bad angles carry so much more weight than our good angles? If you focus on how bad you look in the bad angles, at least focus on how good you look in the good ones too!!"

That is SO true. And it was another slap in the face to me, because I realized that I was only focused on my bad angles, and wasn't highlighting my good ones.

So, let me just say this: I have decided not to obsess over my body image anymore. It's going to be a struggle, but I know it's one that's worth it. Yes, I'll still try and eat healthy, but I'm not going to be super upset if there's not a salad or an apple or something. And yes, I'll still go to the gym, but instead of doing 2 hour work-outs and killing myself, I'm going to do shorter work-outs just to keep myself in a healthy state.

As Ephesians 2:10 (NLT) says: "For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things He planned for us long ago."

There are so many other great things that we are called to do than focus on our body image. We are called to so much more. We are called to do His will - and chances are good, we don't have to have the perfect body in order to do that.

God can work with us however with are.

Perfectly Imperfect

Something I've struggled with is the idea of having to be perfect. For the longest time, I was more concerned with how people perceived me, instead of whether or not their perception of me was accurate or even remotely close to how I should've been perceived.

And I could partially blame it on social media or celebrities or whatever. People see things they like or admire, and so it's easy to envy those things, thinking you don't measure up.

This happened with me. I wanted people to envy me, in a sense. I wanted to have the nicest hair, the coolest clothes, the fastest car, the perfect speech, the healthiest skin, the cleanest house, the calmest demeanor. I was more focused on how people saw my outward appearance, that I wasn't really focused on maintaining my inner appearance.

I would spend money on nice clothes or dermatology appointments to get clearer skin. I'd google the hottest hair style trends for guys, and go get mine cut to resemble it. If I flubbed over words when talking to someone, I felt like an embarrassing failure. If people came over and my house wasn't spotless, I thought they were judging my imperfection.

I wanted to be the epitome of perfection.

This desire is good to a sense; as Christians, we are to strive to be like Christ, who was perfect in every way. But, I wasn't focused on being like Christ in my perfection. I was concerned with being perfect in everyone else's eyes, hiding away anything I deemed 'imperfect'. I didn't want to show those imperfections for fear of being judged as less than perfect.

I was more focused on myself than letting Christ shine through me. And by Him shining through me, I could've had perfection, but in a different sense.

Thankfully, I've realized my mistake and have worked hard to correct it. Now, don't get me wrong - I still like to have nice clothes and clear skin, but I don't stress over them anymore. In fact, I barely go shopping anymore. I like for my hair and beard to look a certain way, but I try not to obsess over it. I like to have good speech, but when I flub over words, I laugh and just roll with it.

Finally, I have accepted that I'm human. And, as any other human, I am not perfect. I have imperfections, but they do not define who I am.

Instead, I've come to realize, through everything, that what truly defines who I am is what's on the inside.

"But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires." - Romans 13:14.

Do I still struggle with this at times? Definitely. Am I working on correcting this? Always. As I've said multiple times already, I'm not perfect. I'm going to stumble and fall. I'm going to make mistakes. I'm not going to be perfect, because that's an impossibility for me alone.

But Christ lived a perfect life, and has given me the credit for it. He's given you the credit for it. We can never be perfect, so Christ stepped in and took our place, then let us shine as if we had achieved perfection, when really it was all Him.

I've realized that in order to be outwardly clean and pure and perfect, I need to be inwardly clean and pure and perfect. This isn't an easy task, as I'll never be completely perfect inwardly either. And though appearing perfectly clean on the outside is much easier than being perfectly clean on the inside, it doesn't change the fact that the inward appearance is more important.

"You blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and the plate, that the outside also may be clean. Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs, which outwardly appear beautiful, but within are full of dead people's bones and all uncleanness. So you also outwardly appear righteous to others, but within you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness." - Matthew 23:26-28.

Through modeling my inward life after Christ, my outward life becomes clean and pure and perfect. By allowing Christ to shine through me, dust out the cobwebs of my soul, and let light in, it shines outward, erasing any imperfections from me. It's not because of anything I did, but because of who Christ is and what He has done for me.

My perceptions of what makes someone 'perfect' have been altered, making me realize that I'm definitely not perfect. I'm just human. And I don't have to strive to be anything but. Christ has done that for me, and I just have to trust in Him. I just have to let Him work in me, dig out the imperfections and help me correct them.

Every day, it's a new battle as He sifts through my life and pulls out nuggets of imperfection, and does what is necessary to remove them so I'm more like Him. Will He ever be done removing imperfections from me? Not until I join Him in glory.

But until that day comes, I'm happy allowing Him to dig into my life and weed out the bad stuff, leaving me as a perfectly imperfect human who desperately needs a Savior.

Unknown Impact

There are days where I question if I'm supposed to be volunteering in kids ministry. Then there are days where I'm thrilled to be a part of it in the many ways I am. And then there are days where I wish I could work in kids ministry as a full-time job.

As I've mentioned before in a few blog posts, this time a year ago I was attempting to mentally prepare myself to have children - even though there's no true preparation for that step - when my plans to have children was put on hold indefinitely.

I was devastated. But, through God's grace, He pulled me into kids ministry at my church.

Let me just say - this was a turning point for me. Growing up, I always preferred to talk to people older than me rather than deal with people my own age or younger. I didn't want anything to do with kids; to me, they were annoying and obnoxious.

But again, God had different plans. He completely changed my outlook to the point where now I'd prefer to hang out with kids than to hang out with people my own age or older - usually.

In His own way, He gave me 15 - 30 kids, all boys. Though they're not truly mine, they might as well be: I'd fight for those boys, defend them when necessary, and pour a ton of effort into their lives to make sure they understand that they are loved.

I don't  know the home lives of any of these boys, but I know not every one of their home lives can be great. Some of them have demons they wrestle with, some of them may have bad or abusive parents, some may have absent parents. Some may have parents who never really wanted them, so they send them to church to have a few hours of peace. Honestly, I don't know. For all I know, I could be wrong about all of the above.

What I do know is that regardless of their home lives, I can still impact them. I can still show them they have importance, they're loved - not only by me, but more importantly, by God, their futures are bright.

Some of these boys have commented that I'm the older brother they never had. I love it because I am the youngest of my family, so I never had younger siblings. I like the fact that, though I'm twice their age, they look up to me, respect me, and consider me a friend, even though I'm first and foremost their teacher.

We have fun. We laugh. We make jokes. We act stupid. We get in arguments. We've annoyed one another. I've seen a few of them cry. I've helped others through difficulties. I've defended them.

In a weird way, in the past year we have become a family of sorts.

And this past week, I have never been more proud of these boys. I felt more like a proud parent than a proud teacher.

Last Wednesday (May 11), we had baptism and communion night at Mission 56, where any kid who wanted to be baptized could. Then we would follow it by doing communion for any of the kids who had decided to follow Christ, whether before that night or on that night.

Two of my 5th grade boys decided to follow Christ, and to acknowledge it through baptism that night. I was unaware that they had made this decision - they had spoken to the Kids Ministry pastor about it, unbeknownst to me.

When Pastor Brandon announced who was going to get baptized that night, I was sitting behind my kids, wondering who it would be. Brandon had told me there were two kids being baptized, but he didn't elaborate as to who those would be.

Then he called their names, and I realized. It was two of my boys. I was, and am, so proud! I couldn't stop smiling at their decision, feeling like a proud parent (or older brother) watching them get into the water, listen to Pastor Brandon, then go under the water and rise as a new creation.

I took pictures and video of it - again, like a proud parent. I was beaming the entire time. I was so thrilled for them!

A few days later, Sunday May 15, another wonder happened. Brandon came up to me and informed me that a kid whom I had had in my class only about 4 times (he is a 2nd grader, whereas I teach 4th and 5th, unless the 2nd grade teacher is out) was going to be baptized at the end of one of the services. And, rather than have his normal teacher be there for it, he had requested that I be next to the baptistery when it happened.

Another boy, whom I hadn't truly 'adopted' as my own yet because he wasn't in my class, had adopted me. Instead of wanting his 2nd grade teacher, whom he'd had for the past year, to be there for the baptism, he had asked me. Me. Who had only had him in my class maybe 4 times. Me? Me.

When I heard this, I teared up. Without realizing it, I had reached this boy in just 3 or 4 meetings. I had made an impact on him to the point he wanted me to be there to help him celebrate his decision to follow Christ.

I am so proud of these boys, and have such love for them! I'm so thrilled to see where God leads them in their walk with Him. I'm so excited to see how He uses them and their abilities. I can't wait for them to do something amazing for Christ and come to tell me all about it.

Like I said before, there are times when I want to quit. But then, there are times like the ones mentioned above which remind me of how much of an impact I'm having on these kids, even when I don't see it. I didn't know I was going to reach a 2nd grader, but somehow, I made an impact on him in just a short amount of time.

If I can reach him in 4 days, what could I do in a year? Two? Six? How many people could I influence in that amount of time? How many kids can I lead to, or closer to, Christ?

That's the greatest thing I can think of ever doing - leading someone to Christ, whether I'm just the one planting the seed or the one watching it sprout. I'm so thrilled for them, and I look forward to hearing more stories of my kids making that decision in the years to come.

Opinions: Everyone's Got One

Growing up, my future desires changed, just like any other child's would. What I was going to be when I grew up would shift from writer to actor to policeman to singer to graphic designer to history teacher to publisher to scientist to fireman, and on and on. But it has always come back to 'writer'.

I have always wanted to be a fiction writer. I have always loved words, how they can stimulate whatever response the writer wanted. One singular sentence can make the reader feel a ton of emotions ranging from sadness to anger to confusion. One page can make a reader invest in a character so deeply that they feel as if they're living vicariously through that character. One book can change a person's outlook on life.

And it all stems from the writers' imagination.

But what happens when you have a desire to do something, and the person you thought would be the most supportive in those aspirations was the one who essentially told you your dreams were hopeless?

I struggled with whether or not I wanted to bring this up, because I've been trying to forget about all that happened and move forward. But sometimes, in order to move forward, you have to acknowledge what happened in the past so you can let it go. And that's part of my motivation behind this post.

I began a manuscript for a book when I was a sophomore in high school. Honestly, at the time, I wanted to be published ASAP, because I was slightly jealous of Christopher Paolini (the author of Eragon), because he had been published before he turned 19. I wanted to beat that. That's probably not the best motivation for being published, but there it is.

Now, looking back, I realize that putting that much pressure on myself to be published before I turned 19 was completely destroying the story. I was writing just to get something written, in the hopes that it'd turn out good. I wasn't concerned with fine-tuning my craft.

So, I began that manuscript. And I finished it, edited it, finished that, edited it some more, finished that. And 19 came and went. And I wasn't published. My story wasn't even polished enough for an editor to look at. I had some work to do.

Then I met my ex, and I told her my aspirations. She was all for it, very supportive and encouraging. Until I asked her to read the story.

Let me pause here. If a writer, especially an unpublished writer, asks someone to read their manuscript, they're not asking for you to praise it as glorious or for you to critique it into the grave. They're asking for an honest opinion, because they trust your opinion.

Now, my ex was an avid reader. She could read 500 page books in a matter of days. My first clue that something was wrong was when it took her two weeks to read a chapter of my manuscript. Obviously, it was me and my writing. Right? It had to be.

Let's fast forward. Turns out, she thought it was absolute garbage. She had no desire to read it. It 'wasn't the genre she liked to read', so she 'couldn't get into it'. When I asked her to try it again, and just give me an opinion, she finally just said, "Babe... you're just not that great with words."

I. Was. Devastated.

Then she continued, "I mean, even in person you can't tell a story very well. You're not that great of a communicator."

Dreams. Crushed.

What was the point in trying to be a writer when it was evident that I had no talent for it? If my ex, whom I had been with for about 3 years at this time, thought I wasn't skilled enough to be a writer, then she must be right. I had asked for her honest opinion, and that's what she had given me.

For the next 3 years of our relationship, I barely picked up a pen and paper. I barely touched my manuscript. When I did, I'd get upset and develop writer's-block. I'd clam up, close my computer and pout. I'd rip up my previous attempts at writing, convincing myself that nothing I wrote was even close to being good.

When I would start a joke or begin to tell a story, I would say something along the lines of, "Babe, you're better at this than me. Why don't you tell it?"

One singular opinion had completed destroyed my dreams. In the year since she left, I have had to dig myself out of many holes that she had dug and thrown me in. Some of them, I had simply crawled into because I believed what she told me about myself. Instead of listening to myself and what I knew about myself, I let her opinions drag me down and wash away the truth.

But then I reconnected with my amazing, beautiful, loving best friend who turned into my wonderful, committed, Godly girlfriend. She has helped me pull myself out of those pits, fill them in, and leave them behind.

She's so encouraging when it comes to my writing, to the point where I started writing again. She was the motivation behind me starting this entire blog. I don't know how she knew, but I truly believe she knew I couldn't just dive back into writing stories - I had to begin small, by writing a blog post. I had to remind myself about the joy of writing.

After a couple months, I picked up my old manuscript that was 'absolute garbage', and have fine-tuned it. Without me even having to ask, she has requested to read it when I'm finished with it. She believed in my dreams even when I didn't, and is constantly helping me push myself towards fulfilling them.

Then just yesterday, I met with the pastor of my church in order to help organize an event. I was there with two girls from my small group to pass around ideas and figure something out. When we left, one of the girls texted me and said: "You did amazing! Thank you so much for leading this charge. God has blessed you with the gift of communicating!"

I almost started crying in my car. Those were words that I never thought I'd hear (or read, as the case was). This particular friend didn't know my struggles with my ex concerning my aspirations. She didn't know that my ex had told me that I was bad at communicating, and that for 4 years I had believed it.

She didn't know that that singular comment would bring me close to tears. Unknowingly, she helped me fill another hole that I didn't even know was still waiting for me to backslide into.

Through all of this, I hope you have gotten one thing out of it: don't let anybody - I don't care who they are or how you know them - don't let them tell you something negative about yourself. And above all, don't believe it.

My mom always taught me that the reason people say negative things towards others is because they're jealous of that particular trait.And I believe that wholeheartedly. Did I forget that for a season? Yes. Have I remembered that? Yes. Will I continue to remind myself of that when someone tells me something negative about myself? Most definitely.

I had to learn a hard lesson, which almost completely derailed my dreams. Don't let that happen. Don't follow in my footsteps in that - just learn from my mistake.

Find people who speak encouragement into you. Find people who believe in your dreams. Find people who, whether they know it or not, help you be a better you.

But above all, love and know yourself enough that when negative comments come your way, you know they're just someone's opinion. An opinion doesn't mean it's true.

Being a Johnathan

This past Sunday, I had the pleasure of being a Johnathan to somebody else. What I mean by this is, I was able to discuss with and give advice to someone who had gone through a rough break-up recently, using some of the same advice that Johnathan had given me when I first went through my divorce (see blog post Matters of the Heart).

When I met with Johnathan last summer, he told me that the reason he was able to give good advice and guidance was because he had been in a similar situation with his ex-wife. After we spoke, I had often thought: "maybe God let this happen to me, so that I could mentor somebody else through such a tough time".

But, honestly? I don't think I actually believed that.

Looking back, I can see sooo much good that came out of my divorce, including but not limited to growing closer to God, working with kids ministry, going to India in October, finding a loving, supportive girlfriend, reconnecting with friends, cementing a relationship with my niece and nephew, and growing my relationship with my parents.

But I don't think I had ever really thought that I would be able to use my story to give somebody else advice. When this friend of mine came up and asked if we could talk, I was a bit shocked. I knew she had recently gone through a break-up, and that it wasn't really pretty, but I thought she was actually doing good with it all.

Apparently, I was wrong.

They had only been dating for a few months before they broke up, but they had grown very close to one another during that time. She asked how I had moved on from a 6-year relationship so effectively when she was struggling with a 4-month relationship.

First off, I told her the same thing that Johnathan told me: you have to own your story. When people ask about your relationship, don't shy away from it. Be open and be honest, because digging out the bad parts are the only way you'll get true healing. It's similar to a physical wound: you have to be able to get all the dirt and mud and pus out of the wound to allow fresh air in so that it can properly heal. The same can be said for relationships; you have to get the negative out of the way before you can focus on the positive.

Secondly, I told her that something I did was recreate memories. She needed to replace the memories of doing something with her ex with memories of doing the same activity with somebody she trusts. That way the new, happy memory replaces the bad one.

A year later, I still have to do this occasionally. This weekend I'll be going to the Hot Air Balloon Festival -- it was the last thing my ex and I had done together, so every time I think about the festival, it reminds me of her. So, instead, I am going to it this year with my girlfriend and a handful of friends, and we are going to have a great time. That way I can have a happy memory to replace the bad one, so I don't think about my ex anymore when this festival comes up.

My friend told me that she had already begun doing that, and it seemed to be helping, but she wanted to know if there was anything else she could be doing.

Something I had to do, which may not really be relevant to her, was I had to learn to do holidays by myself again, to prove to myself that I could. I had done holidays with my ex for 6 years, and she had always been there to celebrate with me. Honestly, the thought of celebrating Christmas or Thanksgiving or even 4th of July without her was a bit strange. I didn't want to have to think about it, but I had to force myself to do it, to help myself realize that I didn't need to celebrate with anyone else. I could have fun celebrating a holiday by myself.

Was it easy? Not always, because when you show up to a family function without your used-to-be-significant-other, your family will question, and it just reopens the wound. But this gave me the opportunity to follow Johnathan's first word of advice: own my story.

The last thing he told me was that I had to forgiver her and let my anger go, because she didn't care. She had made her choice, and her choice didn't include me. She didn't care that I was angry with her. She didn't care that I didn't forgive her. She never asked my opinion on whether or not I was okay with the divorce.

She didn't care.

That was the most difficult for me to do. I had to realize that the person I had spent 6 years of my life on didn't give a single thought to me anymore. She didn't care that I was hurting. She didn't care that I was angry. She didn't care about how I was dealing with it all.

I didn't want to forgive her. I didn't want to let my anger go. But it was eating me away inside, and it wasn't doing me any good. And as I have said multiple times - she didn't care. My anger and frustration wasn't bothering her. Me not forgiving her wasn't a factor to her. She had made her choice, and it wasn't me.

When I finally had forgiven her and let my anger go, I felt overwhelming peace (again, read Matters of the Heart for more).

I told my friend that in order to move on, she needed to own her story, but she also needed to forgive him for hurting her, because it was clear that it was hindering her and that he didn't seem to care. He was waiting for her to reach out, thinking they were good. To him (which he has told me), everything between them was amicable. To her, everything was far from amicable. They were on opposite sides of the spectrum.

I like to think I helped her in some small way, and maybe I did. Who really knows? But I hope that if you're reading this and you've recently gone through a break-up, whether it's a romantic one or a platonic one, that these words of advice will be helpful to you.

I hope and pray that these tips will give you a new lease on life and they will help you to move on and be a happier person.

They worked for me, so maybe they'll work for you as well.

Jealousy Is a Nasty Bug

In my last blog post, I spoke about being thrown into the furnace, and how it would change me into a better person. I knew that my decision to go to India would change me for the better, and that God would test me by putting me in a fire so that He could remove the impurities from me, but I wasn't aware that it would happen almost immediately after posting about it.

Honestly, I think I believed that I wouldn't be tested until I actually arrived in India. Naive, huh?

I had my first test this past week.

I've never been a jealous person. Yes, I may look at something and wish I had it, but I have never been one to let it consume me to the point of jealousy.

Jealousy is a nasty bug. It can consume you until it's all you think about. It can debilitate you until all you can do is focus on somebody else's accomplishments, which hinders your own,

Recently, I had to deal with this in multiple facets.

With India, I'm trying to raise money in order to go serve. Sadly, to me it didn't seem like many people were willing to support financially. Prayerfully, yes. Financially, not so much. I was so worked up on how much money I needed to raise, and how little I had raised thus far that it was becoming all-consuming.

Which is ridiculous, especially since the trip isn't for another 6 months. I had only begun trying to raise money 2 weeks ago, and I was more focused on the fact that in 14 days I hadn't raised much, when I still had another 5-6 months to go. It was consuming me, to the point where I was sharing the post about t-shirt sales almost daily, but with different 'information' so that it would appear as if I had a reason to share it.

Eventually, my girlfriend confronted me and told me that though I had said I had given it up to God and was going to allow Him to provide the money, I wasn't behaving as if I had. I was still trying to control the situation, when I have absolutely no control over anybody else's bank account.

It got to the point where one of my friends announced she was going to Tanzania for 2 weeks this summer, and though I was genuinely proud and happy for her, I was jealous of the amount of support she was receiving. And you want to know what I was most jealous of? How many 'likes' she got on her Facebook announcement. In under an hour, she had received 98 'likes', whereas with all of my combined posts, I had barely received 40.

How ridiculous is that? I was jealous about people liking her status over mine. She didn't ask them for monetary support; she was announcing her trip, telling how excited she was, and asking for prayer. That was it! And I was jealous over that.

Sounds a bit petty, if you ask me.

As B.C. Forbes said, "Jealousy... is a mental cancer." It's true. It was killing me. I was so jealous about a few 'likes' on Facebook that I had lost the entire reason I was trying to raise money.

Deciding to realign myself with my purpose for this trip, I prayed and prayed again, asking God to take it over. And just like that, I was at peace about it. I haven't been focused on selling t-shirts to raise money. Yes, I still talk about it to people at work or church, but I don't try and find any reason necessary in order to post about it again.

And you know something? By giving it fully back to God, He has taken it and run with it. In one day, I went from only having sold 4 shirts to now having sold 23 shirts. Plus I have received 3 different monetary donations from others.

My jealousy in this circumstance has faded away, and I'm just letting God handle it. And handle it, He has.

But then, I was bombarded with another form of jealousy. Similar, but different. It was jealousy for someone else's accomplishments.

One of my friends shared a vine that a 'famous' Facebook-er had created. I watched it, and thought it was funny. Then I read the comments, and realized that this vine-r was also on "The Amazing Race". Then, reading more of his information, I saw where he had been approached by Disney to have a TV-show based around his vines.

For background, his vines include him lip-syncing and acting out Disney songs, whether from Disney Channel or classic Disney.

I don't know what the show would be about, but alas, he had been approached.

Seeing all of his success, I was overcome with jealousy again.

He is considered 'vine-famous', which is apparently a thing, for doing 20 second funny videos that people can relate to. The more vine-videos he did, the more people followed his Facebook, the more 'famous' he got. Hundreds of thousands of people comment on his videos, telling him how they love him, would love to get to know him, think he's hilarious, etc.

A small amount of jealousy began to take hold in me for this. I wasn't 'popular' in school, so the desire to be well-liked was always inside of me. I wanted to be considered 'famous', where people wanted to get to know me, or thought I was funny, or whatever. That's one of the reasons I wanted to be an actor growing up. I wanted to be someone who people looked up to, admired, and wished they could know.

How shallow is that?

But that was only a minor part of my jealousy. Growing up, I watched "The Amazing Race" and fantasized about going on it. I mean, seriously, you get to travel all over the world, try things that most people never get to, and possibly win a ton of money. Who wouldn't want to be on that show?

My sister and I had talked about going on it when we got older, but it never happened. Our lives took turns that were great, but that also derailed our plans of possibly auditioning for the show. Thinking about how he had this opportunity to do something I had often dreamed about heightened my jealousy to another level.

Then, to see that he was in talks to have his own Disney show? As I previously mentioned, I wanted to be an actor. Talk about major jealousy filling me.

I was soon overwhelmed with jealousy towards this guy I didn't even know, simply because of his success. Instead, I should've been proud of him. He grew up in Alabama, just like me. I should've been excited that somebody from my little podunk state was making something of themselves, but instead, I was jealous that that person wasn't me.

I had always dreamed about getting out of Alabama, moving to New York, or California, or Miami, or Chicago, or... anywhere! And now, I am still working in Alabama, at a job I love, surrounded by people who love me, and involved in a wonderful church. I am happy with where I am.

Or, I was until I saw that this 'vine-famous' guy was making something of himself. I had begun comparing myself to him. How come he was receiving all of this success while I was still working in Alabama? Why was he so different from me that he had all these incredible opportunities?

"Jealousy is the fear of comparison." - Max Frisch.

My jealousy had completely overshadowed the fact that I have it great. There are so many other people who could potentially be jealous of me, simply because I have a great job. Or a loving, supportive girlfriend. Or a great church home. Or wonderful family and friends.

But at the time, I was so consumed with comparing myself to this guy that I wasn't happy. I was becoming bitter. I was upset with everything. I wasn't sleeping well. There were so many things going wrong, to the point where I just had to face reality.

I had to realize that I can't be jealous of somebody for their accomplishments. They put themselves out there, at the risk of rejection. How can I be jealous of their success, when they're willing to risk rejection while I'm not? That's like being upset you didn't get a job when you didn't even submit a resume.

Again, I had to realign my thoughts and pray that God would take this jealousy away from me. I don't like feeling jealous of somebody, whether for something petty like Facebook 'likes', or based on their success.

I'm not called to be jealous of others. I'm called to love them. I'm called to be proud and supportive of them. And that's where I've decided to stay.

I am so genuinely happy for my friend who is going to Tanzania, and I can't wait to see how God uses her while she's there. And I am genuinely happy for this guy whom I have never met for all the success he is receiving. Not to mention the fact that he's a Christian, and uses his platform of being 'vine-famous' for the glory of God's kingdom.

Now, it's my turn to pray in support of him. If he does receive a Disney show, I pray that he keeps his morals and doesn't bow down to cultural ideals, instead of focusing on how God will use him. Instead of being jealous of his success, I am excited for the idea that a Christian would be approached to have a show on a network where he can influence so many people, kids and adults alike, for God's kingdom.

As I said before, jealousy is a bug. And if not treated, it can completely debilitate you, derailing your thoughts and actions.

So, take action and make sure that you don't get swept up in someone else's success or excitement that you forget about all the great things in your own life.

Step of Faith

"The hardest part of any journey is taking that first step." - Unknown.

Nobody is sure of who said the above quote, but I can promise you that whoever it was knew what they were talking about. And I can completely relate.

Back in March, I saw in my church bulletin that they were offering a mission trip to India, to love on special needs orphans (who are considered unclean in India, and therefore, nobody wants anything to do with them), and to feed the homeless (who sleep on and dig through trash for food) in October 2016.

After working with 4th and 5th graders for the past year, I have come to realize that kids ministry is where my heart is, and this trip sounded absolutely perfect. It fit in exactly with what I felt like God was telling me to do.

But, I didn't want to make a hasty decision. I don't believe in circumstances, but just because it aligned with something I'm passionate about didn't necessarily mean that God was telling me to go.

I prayed about it. And prayed. And prayed some more. And, you know what? I prayed some more. I didn't want to take this decision lightly, for numerous reasons. One of these reasons being that it is quite expensive. Another, I'd have to take off work. Another, I'd miss out teaching my kids for two Sundays, and one Wednesday.

I spoke with people at the church, my girlfriend, my best friend, my parents, and my small group, asking for guidance. And you know what they all told me? It was my decision - one I had to make based on what I felt God was telling me to do. Now, don't get me wrong, they definitely helped by giving their insight or their opinions, but it's always so much easier to have someone just tell you what you're supposed to do, than to have to decide it for yourself. Especially on something like this.

When I was at the Rock and Worship Roadshow is when I mentioned the trip to my best friend. I told him my concerns about missing my kids for two Sundays and a Wednesday, and his response really hit me. He said: "You have those kids for, what, 52 days a year? And your Wednesday kids for 20 to 26? I think they'll survive without you for one or two days. But those kids in India need someone like you."

Well, if that's not a slap in the face, I don't know what is.

But I still hadn't made up my mind. Was it possible that his comment wasn't actually guidance telling me to go, but simply letting me know that my kids wouldn't be upset without me there for a few days?

As the weeks went by, I was still praying about it, and the deadline for the deposit was quickly approaching.

The Sunday before I had to make a final decision (April 10), I had 27 kids in my class at church. 27 kids. Ranging from 1st to 4th grade. All boys. Is this death? Was this really happening? My assistant wasn't able to make it, so I had 27 boys all by myself! Thankfully one of the worship leaders stepped in to help after leading worship, but for approximately 40 minutes, I had 27 boys. By. Myself.

But you know something? That was the best my boys had been in a long time. They even all brought their Bible's (which, how all of them can bring their Bible's when there are 27 of them, but only half can bring them when there's only 6 is beyond me), and earned a donut party.

Later, the woman who helped me with the boys commented that, despite the amount of kids I had, I showed true patience with them, showing them Christ' love. Her words were: "If your patience was wearing thin, or you were getting aggravated, you're really good at hiding it, because you looked so calm and in command. You are a natural with kids."

I must say, that was a massive compliment to my ego, and confirmation that kids ministry is where I need to be.

Well, on Tuesday April 12, I was praying again asking if I'm supposed to take this step of faith and head to India for 9 days. And I was bombarded with reminders of what my best friend said, what the lady at church on Sunday had said, what people in my small group had said, what my girlfriend had said, what my parents had said. And I made my decision.

I'm going to India from Oct 21, 2016 to Oct 30, 2016.

But now that I had made this decision, there was still that doubt: Am I just going because I want to go? Am I just going along with what others want me to do? Am I actually being called to India?

This past Sunday, I went to the interest meeting and paid my deposit. As soon as the money left my hands, an overwhelming "what have I done?!" moment came over me.

I had just paid to go to India.... What was I thinking?!

Pushing through, I taught my kids and went to main church. Our pastor was continuing a sermon-series that he had begun 3 weeks ago titled the Summit Series. Basically, the series is about the mountains of the Bible and what we can learn from them. Long story short, he was talking about Abraham being told by God to sacrifice Isaac, and how if Abraham hadn't obeyed God's direction, he wouldn't have seen God's provision (the ram stuck in the thicket). Then he ended it with: "God will test your faith. He will throw you into a furnace in order to make you something new."

Slap in the face number two. If nothing else, this was just more confirmation that I was supposed to go, despite my fear. Abraham didn't understand why God was telling him to sacrifice Isaac, but he knew who God was, and knew that no matter what happened, God would take care of him, even possibly to the point of bringing Isaac back to life (Hebrews 11:19).

As my pastor said, Abraham didn't understand the plan, but he knew his God, and that was enough.

Well, dang. If that isn't motivation and encouragement, I don't know what is. I may not know what God is going to do through me when I'm in India, but I know my God. He is going to take care of me. If He truly wants me to go to India, He will provide a way.

I was reading my Bible on Monday during lunch, and came across: "You have tested us, O God; you have purified us like silver melted in a crucible." - Psalms 66:10. We had previously covered this verse, and I had written to the side: "our ordinary faith must go through fire to become extraordinary faith; crucible = furnace".

Slap in the face number three. Have you ever gotten slapped so many times you feel like your head was spinning? That's where I was now.

I thought I was in a good place with India, but God knew better. He knew that I needed to be slapped around again in order to make me realize that He was about to test me in a hard way. But, it was also to remind me that He had this all under control.

I'm still going to India, and I have no idea what kind of furnace He's going to throw me into. But I know that whatever it is, it'll be for my own good and that He will use it to grow my faith and help me get closer to Him.

As scary as it sounds to be thrown into a furnace and knowing that your faith is going to be tested, I kind of look forward to it with a raw anticipation, knowing that it's going to purify and change me into something better than I am now, as only a test of faith can do.

I still have to raise money to get to India, and if you'd like to help, I'd greatly appreciate it! You can donate money or buy a t-shirt (picture below) at this link: Support Daniel's Mission Trip to India.

And just remember: whenever God is testing you, He's got it all handled. You have nothing to fear, as difficult as that is.

Full of Flavor

Last night, I was helping my mom cook dinner. It was already late, so we decided to do something relatively simple: fettuccine alfredo.

First off, let me just say this: it was absolutely delicious (and we made WAY too much).

Now that I've said that, let's move on.

The noodles were finished, and we were starting on the sauce when we realized that with the amount of pasta we had made, there wasn't nearly enough sauce. What were we going to do? It was already late, and neither of us wanted to go to the store. Plus, the pasta was already ready, and we didn't want it to get cold.

Searching the pantry for something - anything - we could use, my mom saw a can of Cream of Chicken Soup. She had never tried using this before, but she explained that it would give the sauce a chicken flavor, since we didn't have any meat to put in it, plus it would thicken up the alfredo sauce so that there would be enough.

Long story short, we mixed it in with the alfredo sauce and bell peppers, then mixed it into the pasta. And it was delicious.

You're probably wondering: why is he writing about fettuccine alfredo?

Because... when I was sitting here trying to think of something to write about, I remembered last night making fettuccine alfredo with Cream of Chicken Soup, and got inspired.

It made me begin thinking about how when things don't necessarily go the way we expect them, sometimes, if we are brave enough to try something new, something great can come from it.

I had never tried mixing Cream of Chicken Soup and alfredo mix together, but it gave the sauce a unique flavor that wasn't too overpowering or odd, but that paired together perfectly. We were out of other options, and had to take our chances.

It could have happened where the Cream of Chicken Soup completely ruined the sauce, making the pasta taste horrible. But, we had to take that chance, because otherwise there wouldn't be enough sauce. And that small risk worked out wonderfully.

Sometimes I need to remind myself that things don't always work out how I planned them, but sometimes mixing in a little of the unexpected can make things better than I could have ever dreamed.

Growing up in the church, I often heard: "If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him your plans". As silly of a quote as it is, it's completely true. God has great plans for all of us, but more often than not, we want to plan our own lives. We want to take the reins, when really we're supposed to just enjoy the ride.

There may be a detour that we weren't expecting, and it can be a bit scary or unnerving at the time, but we have to remember that God is in control. He knows the future before it happens, and He is constantly guiding our steps. Those scary or unnerving experiences can add flavor to our life in a way that we never expected. They can also teach us something new.

Like with the pasta, I learned that you can mix alfredo and Cream of Chicken Soup and the sauce comes out tasting better than before.

It's quite possible, if we allow Him, God can mix a few things into our plans that may appear iffy until the finished product. Or, even scarier yet, He may completely derail our plans because He knows there's something better out there for us.

This is something I've experienced, and I can honestly say that He has derailed me from things that I thought were great plans for my life, when in reality they were debilitating. They were not at all where my life was supposed to head, despite the fact that in my fantasy, they were ideal.

He had greater plans for me, and, though I didn't say this at the time I was going through them, I'm so glad that He loves me enough to derail my plans, or even take me on a detour. Because now my life is better than I could have dreamed up.

My life is full of flavor.