Being a Johnathan

This past Sunday, I had the pleasure of being a Johnathan to somebody else. What I mean by this is, I was able to discuss with and give advice to someone who had gone through a rough break-up recently, using some of the same advice that Johnathan had given me when I first went through my divorce (see blog post Matters of the Heart).

When I met with Johnathan last summer, he told me that the reason he was able to give good advice and guidance was because he had been in a similar situation with his ex-wife. After we spoke, I had often thought: "maybe God let this happen to me, so that I could mentor somebody else through such a tough time".

But, honestly? I don't think I actually believed that.

Looking back, I can see sooo much good that came out of my divorce, including but not limited to growing closer to God, working with kids ministry, going to India in October, finding a loving, supportive girlfriend, reconnecting with friends, cementing a relationship with my niece and nephew, and growing my relationship with my parents.

But I don't think I had ever really thought that I would be able to use my story to give somebody else advice. When this friend of mine came up and asked if we could talk, I was a bit shocked. I knew she had recently gone through a break-up, and that it wasn't really pretty, but I thought she was actually doing good with it all.

Apparently, I was wrong.

They had only been dating for a few months before they broke up, but they had grown very close to one another during that time. She asked how I had moved on from a 6-year relationship so effectively when she was struggling with a 4-month relationship.

First off, I told her the same thing that Johnathan told me: you have to own your story. When people ask about your relationship, don't shy away from it. Be open and be honest, because digging out the bad parts are the only way you'll get true healing. It's similar to a physical wound: you have to be able to get all the dirt and mud and pus out of the wound to allow fresh air in so that it can properly heal. The same can be said for relationships; you have to get the negative out of the way before you can focus on the positive.

Secondly, I told her that something I did was recreate memories. She needed to replace the memories of doing something with her ex with memories of doing the same activity with somebody she trusts. That way the new, happy memory replaces the bad one.

A year later, I still have to do this occasionally. This weekend I'll be going to the Hot Air Balloon Festival -- it was the last thing my ex and I had done together, so every time I think about the festival, it reminds me of her. So, instead, I am going to it this year with my girlfriend and a handful of friends, and we are going to have a great time. That way I can have a happy memory to replace the bad one, so I don't think about my ex anymore when this festival comes up.

My friend told me that she had already begun doing that, and it seemed to be helping, but she wanted to know if there was anything else she could be doing.

Something I had to do, which may not really be relevant to her, was I had to learn to do holidays by myself again, to prove to myself that I could. I had done holidays with my ex for 6 years, and she had always been there to celebrate with me. Honestly, the thought of celebrating Christmas or Thanksgiving or even 4th of July without her was a bit strange. I didn't want to have to think about it, but I had to force myself to do it, to help myself realize that I didn't need to celebrate with anyone else. I could have fun celebrating a holiday by myself.

Was it easy? Not always, because when you show up to a family function without your used-to-be-significant-other, your family will question, and it just reopens the wound. But this gave me the opportunity to follow Johnathan's first word of advice: own my story.

The last thing he told me was that I had to forgiver her and let my anger go, because she didn't care. She had made her choice, and her choice didn't include me. She didn't care that I was angry with her. She didn't care that I didn't forgive her. She never asked my opinion on whether or not I was okay with the divorce.

She didn't care.

That was the most difficult for me to do. I had to realize that the person I had spent 6 years of my life on didn't give a single thought to me anymore. She didn't care that I was hurting. She didn't care that I was angry. She didn't care about how I was dealing with it all.

I didn't want to forgive her. I didn't want to let my anger go. But it was eating me away inside, and it wasn't doing me any good. And as I have said multiple times - she didn't care. My anger and frustration wasn't bothering her. Me not forgiving her wasn't a factor to her. She had made her choice, and it wasn't me.

When I finally had forgiven her and let my anger go, I felt overwhelming peace (again, read Matters of the Heart for more).

I told my friend that in order to move on, she needed to own her story, but she also needed to forgive him for hurting her, because it was clear that it was hindering her and that he didn't seem to care. He was waiting for her to reach out, thinking they were good. To him (which he has told me), everything between them was amicable. To her, everything was far from amicable. They were on opposite sides of the spectrum.

I like to think I helped her in some small way, and maybe I did. Who really knows? But I hope that if you're reading this and you've recently gone through a break-up, whether it's a romantic one or a platonic one, that these words of advice will be helpful to you.

I hope and pray that these tips will give you a new lease on life and they will help you to move on and be a happier person.

They worked for me, so maybe they'll work for you as well.