Jealousy Is a Nasty Bug

In my last blog post, I spoke about being thrown into the furnace, and how it would change me into a better person. I knew that my decision to go to India would change me for the better, and that God would test me by putting me in a fire so that He could remove the impurities from me, but I wasn't aware that it would happen almost immediately after posting about it.

Honestly, I think I believed that I wouldn't be tested until I actually arrived in India. Naive, huh?

I had my first test this past week.

I've never been a jealous person. Yes, I may look at something and wish I had it, but I have never been one to let it consume me to the point of jealousy.

Jealousy is a nasty bug. It can consume you until it's all you think about. It can debilitate you until all you can do is focus on somebody else's accomplishments, which hinders your own,

Recently, I had to deal with this in multiple facets.

With India, I'm trying to raise money in order to go serve. Sadly, to me it didn't seem like many people were willing to support financially. Prayerfully, yes. Financially, not so much. I was so worked up on how much money I needed to raise, and how little I had raised thus far that it was becoming all-consuming.

Which is ridiculous, especially since the trip isn't for another 6 months. I had only begun trying to raise money 2 weeks ago, and I was more focused on the fact that in 14 days I hadn't raised much, when I still had another 5-6 months to go. It was consuming me, to the point where I was sharing the post about t-shirt sales almost daily, but with different 'information' so that it would appear as if I had a reason to share it.

Eventually, my girlfriend confronted me and told me that though I had said I had given it up to God and was going to allow Him to provide the money, I wasn't behaving as if I had. I was still trying to control the situation, when I have absolutely no control over anybody else's bank account.

It got to the point where one of my friends announced she was going to Tanzania for 2 weeks this summer, and though I was genuinely proud and happy for her, I was jealous of the amount of support she was receiving. And you want to know what I was most jealous of? How many 'likes' she got on her Facebook announcement. In under an hour, she had received 98 'likes', whereas with all of my combined posts, I had barely received 40.

How ridiculous is that? I was jealous about people liking her status over mine. She didn't ask them for monetary support; she was announcing her trip, telling how excited she was, and asking for prayer. That was it! And I was jealous over that.

Sounds a bit petty, if you ask me.

As B.C. Forbes said, "Jealousy... is a mental cancer." It's true. It was killing me. I was so jealous about a few 'likes' on Facebook that I had lost the entire reason I was trying to raise money.

Deciding to realign myself with my purpose for this trip, I prayed and prayed again, asking God to take it over. And just like that, I was at peace about it. I haven't been focused on selling t-shirts to raise money. Yes, I still talk about it to people at work or church, but I don't try and find any reason necessary in order to post about it again.

And you know something? By giving it fully back to God, He has taken it and run with it. In one day, I went from only having sold 4 shirts to now having sold 23 shirts. Plus I have received 3 different monetary donations from others.

My jealousy in this circumstance has faded away, and I'm just letting God handle it. And handle it, He has.

But then, I was bombarded with another form of jealousy. Similar, but different. It was jealousy for someone else's accomplishments.

One of my friends shared a vine that a 'famous' Facebook-er had created. I watched it, and thought it was funny. Then I read the comments, and realized that this vine-r was also on "The Amazing Race". Then, reading more of his information, I saw where he had been approached by Disney to have a TV-show based around his vines.

For background, his vines include him lip-syncing and acting out Disney songs, whether from Disney Channel or classic Disney.

I don't know what the show would be about, but alas, he had been approached.

Seeing all of his success, I was overcome with jealousy again.

He is considered 'vine-famous', which is apparently a thing, for doing 20 second funny videos that people can relate to. The more vine-videos he did, the more people followed his Facebook, the more 'famous' he got. Hundreds of thousands of people comment on his videos, telling him how they love him, would love to get to know him, think he's hilarious, etc.

A small amount of jealousy began to take hold in me for this. I wasn't 'popular' in school, so the desire to be well-liked was always inside of me. I wanted to be considered 'famous', where people wanted to get to know me, or thought I was funny, or whatever. That's one of the reasons I wanted to be an actor growing up. I wanted to be someone who people looked up to, admired, and wished they could know.

How shallow is that?

But that was only a minor part of my jealousy. Growing up, I watched "The Amazing Race" and fantasized about going on it. I mean, seriously, you get to travel all over the world, try things that most people never get to, and possibly win a ton of money. Who wouldn't want to be on that show?

My sister and I had talked about going on it when we got older, but it never happened. Our lives took turns that were great, but that also derailed our plans of possibly auditioning for the show. Thinking about how he had this opportunity to do something I had often dreamed about heightened my jealousy to another level.

Then, to see that he was in talks to have his own Disney show? As I previously mentioned, I wanted to be an actor. Talk about major jealousy filling me.

I was soon overwhelmed with jealousy towards this guy I didn't even know, simply because of his success. Instead, I should've been proud of him. He grew up in Alabama, just like me. I should've been excited that somebody from my little podunk state was making something of themselves, but instead, I was jealous that that person wasn't me.

I had always dreamed about getting out of Alabama, moving to New York, or California, or Miami, or Chicago, or... anywhere! And now, I am still working in Alabama, at a job I love, surrounded by people who love me, and involved in a wonderful church. I am happy with where I am.

Or, I was until I saw that this 'vine-famous' guy was making something of himself. I had begun comparing myself to him. How come he was receiving all of this success while I was still working in Alabama? Why was he so different from me that he had all these incredible opportunities?

"Jealousy is the fear of comparison." - Max Frisch.

My jealousy had completely overshadowed the fact that I have it great. There are so many other people who could potentially be jealous of me, simply because I have a great job. Or a loving, supportive girlfriend. Or a great church home. Or wonderful family and friends.

But at the time, I was so consumed with comparing myself to this guy that I wasn't happy. I was becoming bitter. I was upset with everything. I wasn't sleeping well. There were so many things going wrong, to the point where I just had to face reality.

I had to realize that I can't be jealous of somebody for their accomplishments. They put themselves out there, at the risk of rejection. How can I be jealous of their success, when they're willing to risk rejection while I'm not? That's like being upset you didn't get a job when you didn't even submit a resume.

Again, I had to realign my thoughts and pray that God would take this jealousy away from me. I don't like feeling jealous of somebody, whether for something petty like Facebook 'likes', or based on their success.

I'm not called to be jealous of others. I'm called to love them. I'm called to be proud and supportive of them. And that's where I've decided to stay.

I am so genuinely happy for my friend who is going to Tanzania, and I can't wait to see how God uses her while she's there. And I am genuinely happy for this guy whom I have never met for all the success he is receiving. Not to mention the fact that he's a Christian, and uses his platform of being 'vine-famous' for the glory of God's kingdom.

Now, it's my turn to pray in support of him. If he does receive a Disney show, I pray that he keeps his morals and doesn't bow down to cultural ideals, instead of focusing on how God will use him. Instead of being jealous of his success, I am excited for the idea that a Christian would be approached to have a show on a network where he can influence so many people, kids and adults alike, for God's kingdom.

As I said before, jealousy is a bug. And if not treated, it can completely debilitate you, derailing your thoughts and actions.

So, take action and make sure that you don't get swept up in someone else's success or excitement that you forget about all the great things in your own life.