Detours and Derailments

Sometimes our lives take a derailment that we weren't expecting, and it can completely throw us off course. This can be absolutely terrifying, especially if you're like me and have your future planned out. If you've worked hard for something, just to believe that you're being called to something else. If you want to follow His guidance, but are scared of the steps.

Let me back up.

Sometime around April, I began feeling like I was supposed to have a bigger part in kids ministry. Not believing that this meant I was supposed to give up my job at the TV station, I stepped up and volunteered more until where I am now: a central part of the kids ministry, where the directors know that whenever they need someone to help out, I'll be there.

Currently, I do media at 8am on Sundays for kids; teach 4th grade boys at 9:30am on Sundays; substitute for 11:15am teachers as needed; recruit people to volunteer with kids ministry; help lead worship on Wednesday nights; teach 5th grade boys on Wednesday nights; and, have gone to one camp, and have another two in the near future.

But, despite all of that, I still felt like I wasn't doing enough. The more I volunteered, the more I thought that next step would be fulfilling, and I would finally be satisfied, but I was wrong. It was just another thing to do - which, I'm not complaining, because I love volunteering - but with that on top of my full-time job, trying to lead a small group, have a social life, act as an 'adoptive uncle' to some kids from the church, and still get plenty of God-time and sleep in, I was slowly becoming mentally exhausted.

Part of me felt like I was supposed to do something drastic. Part of me felt like I was supposed to quit my job at the TV station and work full-time in kids ministry. But, surely that wasn't really the case. I had worked so hard to get where I am now in my career, that surely God wouldn't be calling me to give it all up. It didn't make any sense. I'd have to find another way to cope with all my responsibilities.

This past Sunday, my pastor started a series about the life of Joseph, and at one point, he covered Proverbs 3: 5-6: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths." Then the pastor continued and said: "God is always preparing you for what He has prepared for you."

At the time, it didn't really hit me. Honestly, when I heard this, I thought back to a conversation my girlfriend and I had had a day or two before concerning her job. She wasn't sure if she was supposed to be looking elsewhere or if she was supposed to stay. She was confused and unclear as to where her future was headed. To me, it made perfect sense that this passage of Scripture would speak to her.

Silly me.

It turns out, she was thinking about me during that sermon, and thought that it made perfect sense that the sermon would speak to me.

As I said, I didn't put much thought into it. Then, though small groups are 'on hiatus' until Fall, my group had decided they wanted to continue meeting during the summer, but to watch sermons on RightNow Media and discuss them. After searching the site, we finally settled on one called "Discovering God's Will" by Andy Stanley.

The sermon was going great - it was very impactful and insightful. I felt myself learning more about how to discern what God wanted for me, and my thoughts kept returning to kids ministry. Oddly enough, they never once went to my current job. They were constantly focused on kids ministry and how I could further that.

Then, he mentioned Proverbs 3: 5-6, and I lost concentration.

My heart started to pound; my hands grew clammy; I felt like I couldn't breathe; my stomach was tightening until I felt like I was going to be sick; I felt like someone had reached into my chest, grabbed my heart and began to twist; a headache was beginning to form behind my eyes. I was tempted to stand up and walk out, just to get away from it.

After all of that, I knew what God was telling me: "Stop making excuses. You aren't satisfied, because you aren't listening to what I'm telling you. I don't want you to just volunteer; I have big plans for you in kids ministry, so start paying attention!"

Let me just say, this thought absolutely terrified me. It was thrilling and exhilarating, because I would absolutely love to work with these kids as a full-time job. But it's also terrifying to feel like you've worked so hard to get somewhere in life, just to realize that God is directing you somewhere else.

I had worked so hard to finish college with a degree in broadcast; I had started off at the bottom of the totem-pole as a part-time programmer to where I am currently the Director of Programming, a graphic designer, and a digital sales coordinator. And now, to believe God is calling me to a completely different direction? Terrifying.

How is this possible? Why would He do this to me? Why would He lead me down one path, just to completely alter it to another?

I have absolutely no answers. It didn't, and still doesn't, make any sense. I'm completely lost.

On Monday when I woke up, I decided that I knew what God was telling me, and there was no point in continuing to deny what He's told me: I reached out to the kids director at my church and asked if there were any positions available at the church.

With two words, my life went into a tailspin: "Unfortunately, no."

What? What are you talking about? Why would God tell me something, then completely close that door? Again, it didn't make any sense. I was lost in a tornado of confusion. Not know what else to say, I asked that if any openings arise, they keep me in mind, and his response was "Absolutely". At least that was something.

Then I did my morning devotion and you can probably guess what it was on. If you guessed Proverbs 3: 5-6, you're correct.

Now, I don't believe in coincidence. I don't believe there are accidents. Everything happens for a reason. God allows, or denies, everything that happens for some purpose, whether we realize it or not. And this was no different.

My confusion got swept away. He reminded me that I don't have to understand what's going on. I don't have to understand why He's put this desire in my heart if the opportunity isn't there. Maybe I was only supposed to start this process by allowing my church to know I was interested, and I'm not supposed to rush into it. Maybe He's got something great prepared for me further along.

I. Don't. Know.

I don't understand what God is doing in my life, but He's been consistently reminding me that I don't need to know what He's doing. He's got a great plan for me, and He's going to make my path straight. All I have to do is follow His lead, and I will safely make it through this tornado of confusion.

I still have doubts and questions about it. It's hard to fathom that God would decide to alter my life so drastically, but I know He had a reason for bringing me to the TV station, and that He now has one for potentially taking me away. As Proverbs says, I'm not leaning on my own understanding, because I don't understand it at all.

And God knows this. He knows I'm confused. He's been sending me gentle reminders to show me that He's still got this. In my moments of doubt, I receive confirmation that He's handling this.

For example (and I'm mainly putting these here to remind myself when I have doubts):

1. When I was doing my quiet time at work during my lunch break on Monday, I was reading the footnotes of Joshua and came across: "Like He did at the Red Sea, Yahweh brought His people through a crossing that they could not undertake in their own strength. Every big act for God begins with a small step of faith." -- I took a small step of faith. Now it's God's turn to do a big act with my small step.

2. When I got home from work on Monday, I had a letter from the church (which I have never received mail from the church - normally I just get an email - so this was super weird) for an invitation to a special event for certain leaders who have had a big impact at the church to discuss the "church's expanding vision". -- Could this be an answer? Could they be expanding and this is what God is getting me prepared for? I don't know, and until I attend the meeting in August, I won't, so I've decided not to read too much into it.

3. My girlfriend saw a picture and felt compelled to share it with me. It said: "Further, since it is God who calls us, we can expect to have a burden for whatever it is He wants us to do. For the Apostle Paul, for example, it was preaching the gospel to those who are not Jews. Another way we can identify our calling is to become aware of the burden God has placed on our hearts." -- Well, I can definitely tell you what the burden I feel for my life is.

4. I've spoken to a handful of my family and a few of my closest friends concerning this and their reactions have all been the same: "You would do incredible at that!"; "Your passion for those kids is so evident!"; "I've been wondering when you were going to make that decision!"

5. I was having doubts about my ability to be full-time in kids ministry, and randomly (yeah, right) came across a picture that said: "Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the Ark... professionals built the Titanic."

So, though I don't know where my life is going to lead me, though I don't know when He's going to open doors for me to take another step of faith, I'm trusting in Him that He will take my hand and guide me to the correct doors.

It's terrifying and exhilarating, frightening and exciting, all these crazy emotions at once. But, again, I don't have to lean on my own understanding (hallelujah, because I don't understand any of it), and I can rest assured that God will provide the way if this is truly His will for me.