Let It All Go

These past few weeks have been a roller coaster of emotion for me. I had thought I was trusting in God with everything concerning my future, but it appears that I have been secretly holding a minor part back, scared to let it fully go.

And isn't that normal? We want to think we don't need help. We don't want to admit insecurity, fear or doubt. But those are human feelings and emotions that everybody feels. So, why is such a bad thing to admit that we deal with those?

My human nature wants to handle everything myself, saying I don't need God's help. But that's a complete lie - a lie from the enemy, who wants me to focus more on myself and what I can do for my circumstances, instead of realizing that I can't do anything without God's help.

I've had to come to terms with the fact that I'm not fully trusting God. It was a hard fact. I was in a place where I let Him handle it until I got scared or nervous or confused, then I'd yank it back and try to fix it myself.

Proverbs 3:5-6 NIV has been a major instrument in this. Every time I yanked my life and future back and tried to handle it myself, this verse popped up: "Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight."

It got to the point where, when this verse popped up during the sermon yesterday at church, I muttered "I'm so sick of this verse" just loud enough for my girlfriend and my mom to hear me. My mom leaned over and circled "Trust in the LORD", and said: "Maybe if you'd start doing this, you wouldn't need this reminder so often."

Way to effectively slap me in the face, Mom.

But she's completely right. I hadn't realized it at the time, but now I know: I wasn't trusting the Lord. At least not fully. I was trusting Him, but with a contingency that, if I didn't like how it was being handled, I'd take it back.

Let me just say: God doesn't work on contingencies. It's either His way or our way; there is no in-between. And if we do it our way, it never works out how it should.

God knows exactly what He's doing, and I have to learn to trust Him, even if I don't fully understand what He's doing.

It could take days. It could take weeks. God forbid, it could even take years.

In the Bible, Joseph was a slave for years, then thrown into prison for multiple more years, and yet God still used him for His purposes. While Joseph was confused, full of doubt and insecurities - and most likely wondering what God was doing - he fully trusted that God was preparing him and was going to provide a way for him to be used. And, boy, did He.

How could Joseph, a slave and prisoner, trust in God fully, while I'm struggling with it? I'm not a slave. I'm not a prisoner. I don't have to deal with the kinds of struggles that Joseph went through, and yet he exemplified what it means to have a total dependence on God.

If there's ever a role model for you, it'd be Joseph.

God's timing is perfect. As my pastor likes to say: "God is a crockpot God; He works in our lives slowly. We can't microwave our life when He's slowly cooking our futures."

If I tried to rush into something now, I wouldn't be fully prepared. And that's another hard truth that I've had to realize: I would not be prepared on my own. God will take His time in order to prepare me mentally, physically, spiritually, intellectually, and emotionally. God will open doors when He knows I'm prepared for that next step.

The future is a scary place, because it's full of the unknown. I hate uncertainty. I don't mind spontaneity, but I at least like to know some kind of plan, no matter how rough of a sketch, just so I know a bit what I can expect.

I think that's why this is so difficult for me. Because, right now, I'm in the dark. I have no idea what's going to happen. I don't know where He is going to lead me. I don't understand why He is leading me down this path when there seems to be no end in sight. I'm scared of where He might potentially be calling me. I'm worried about the sacrifices I'll have to make in order to follow Him and His will for my life.

This is a daily struggle that I have to remind myself of, simply because my human nature wants to take control. But then I remember the song "Thy Will" by Hillary Scott and the Scott Family: "I'm so confused. I know I heard You loud and clear, so I followed through. Somehow I ended up here... Sometimes I've gotta stop, remember that You're God, and I am not, so Thy will be done. Thy will be done. Thy will be done... I know You see me. I know You hear me, Lord. Your plans are for me, goodness You have in store...."

Or, "Brave" by Moriah Peters: "No one ever told me this would be easy, but I never knew that it could be this hard. Oh, the worry, the worry, the worry is weighing on me. Could you help me break down all these question marks and make me brave! I'll fight like a soldier. Brave! Rise like a warrior. Brave! Won't stop 'til the final day. Brave! I want to be stronger. Brave! Gonna be bolder. Brave! Look up and I see the way You make me brave!"

Or even, "More Than You Think I Am" by Danny Gokey: "I'm more than you dreamed, more than you understand. Your days and your times were destined for our dance... Be still and trust My plan. I'm more than you think I am, more than you think I am."

When I deal with these insecurities, fears, doubts and confusion, I have to remind myself that He is in control, He has great plans for me, and anything He has prepared for me is better than I could ever have planned for myself.

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" - Jeremiah 29:11 NIV.

So, I just have to trust in Him and let it all go; He's going to work it out. That's so much easier said than done, but it's definitely worth doing.