New Year, New You

I absolutely deplore that saying: 'New Year, New You'. I truly don't believe the New Year has anything to do with making a change, whether it's a relationship, health, kindness or anything else. It's just another day when you think about it; all you update is the year at the end of the date. You can make a change at any time of the year.

But, I do like the idea of leaving negativity and bad memories behind in the past year and forging ahead with happy thoughts and a renewed sense of purpose in the New Year. And that's what I'm mostly looking forward to.

I've had a lot of bad things happen to me things this past year, namely getting a divorce. But I'm looking forward to 2016 with fresh eyes, and have decided to leave all the garbage that was associated with my divorce behind me in 2015.

When I received the papers on Dec 7, 2015, I had a long heart-to-heart with God that completely wore me out. But during that time, I asked Him to help me leave it all behind so that I could move forward and be happy again. I didn't want something that had happened so long ago to affect my future.

While I was praying, I asked Him to close that chapter in my life, and put all that negativity onto the papers and file it all away at once. And, I truly believe He answered my prayer. Once I filed those papers away, I felt so much happier, like a weight had finally been lifted off my shoulders and I could breathe again.

I was happy, and looking forward to my future.

2016 hasn't even begun yet, but there are so many things that I'm looking forward to experiencing in this next year. I'm deciding to be positive, not letting my circumstances hold me back, and to be a light for Christ no matter what trials come my way.

I'm looking forward to new relationships that I know will form, both friendships and romance. I'm looking forward to teaching my 4th, 5th and 6th graders and growing closer to them as they grow closer to Christ. I'm looking forward to going on the Winter Retreat with my church to spend a weekend with my kids. I'm looking forward to the possibility of going on a mission trip. I'm looking forward to attending at least one wedding, with the potential for two. I'm looking forward to where my career will lead me.

2016 is looking like a beautiful year, and it's not even started yet.

The reason of this post isn't to brag about how great I believe 2016 will be for me, but to inspire you to think the same. Many people have had a difficult 2015 - I know I have - but, I've learned that if we are willing to leave all that behind us and start fresh in the new year, we will have more happiness than we could ever imagine experiencing.

"I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference." - Robert Frost, The Road Not Taken

So, pack up your baggage; leave it in the past. Pick yourself up and forge a new trail.

Start out the new year with a new set of eyes. And I promise, happiness will find you.

Reason for the Season

During the holidays, it's easy to get wrapped up in all the festivities and forget the actual purpose behind them. It's easy to get so absorbed into planning the perfect Christmas meal, detailing the way Christmas morning will go, listing out all the presents to buy, and preparing to enjoy time with your loved ones that you actually don't enjoy the time with your loved ones. Instead, it becomes a chore. An exhausting, hectic, stressful chore.

I know the holidays have officially passed and most likely all the stress that came with them is slowly dissipating, but I still feel like people need a reminder of what the holiday's are all about.

They aren't about presents and food and, no, not even family. They're about one person and one person only, and that's Jesus Christ. The Christmas season is about celebrating the birth of our risen Savior, and unless we actually consciously acknowledge this fact, we can easily trudge through the holidays not truly thinking about what we're celebrating.

And this is one way that we can let the holidays drain us mentally, physically and emotionally.

When we forget to acknowledge that Christmas isn't about Santa or what we put under the tree, but is instead about the King of Kings who was born of a virgin, came to Earth to live and die for you and me, and has risen and is alive, waiting for us in Heaven, the holidays become a chore. They're no longer a celebration as much as an obligation.

I've noticed in my short life that when people focus more on what they're buying their kids and less on where their kids will spend eternity, the holidays become almost sour. Instead of reminding kids (and even adults) that Christmas is about Jesus' birth and not about a big man in a red suit, Christmas becomes draining.

I have to be honest; I have been guilty of this in the past, and yes, even partly this Christmas. But it's taught me exactly what I'm telling you - by forgetting the reason for the season, the holidays are exhausting.

It can become mentally draining for a variety of reasons, most of which I've noticed tend to boil down to what we will be buying others. We put too much thought into what we can buy others so that they'll know just how much we care for them, but in reality, if we truly cared for them, we'd be more concerned with their eternity than their Christmas present. I hate to say it but, I know that I've been guilty of this. Maybe not this year, but I definitely have in the past. I know I have been so focused on figuring out what I want to buy someone, I didn't even bother to wonder if they were a follower of Christ. And isn't that sad? I was more concerned about buying them something that would give them momentary happiness that I wasn't even focused on whether or not they would receive eternal happiness.

I completely missed the point of Christmas.

Another way I've noticed it's draining is physically. We wear ourselves out trying to cook and clean and entertain and organize and plan and shop and decorate, that we forget to actually enjoy the holiday seasons. Chances are good, your family knows that you don't live in a house that's immaculately spotless. And I've noticed that they usually don't care. As my mom always says, "they know we live here."

This one hit me hard because I like things in their place; some call it OCD, others call it organized. But I've had to realize that it doesn't matter if there's a dirty plate on the counter when someone comes over, or if there are shoes by the front door. Nobody really cares. If I focused as much attention on my risen Savior and telling others about Him as I do worrying about what food to prepare or if I cleaned enough, the world would be a much better place. And honestly, I'd enjoy the holidays so much more, because I would remember they're not about me and anything I do anyway.

Lastly, they can be draining emotionally. After you spend all that time thinking and planning on the perfect gift, just for the recipient to open it and not like it? Emotionally draining. I know for me, it makes me feel like all my hard work at picking that gift was for nothing. But that's not the point at all - we have the perfect gift already and that's Jesus Christ, so why are we so wrapped up in finding another one? We will never find another perfect gift, so why do we let others opinions on something that ultimately will be shoved under the bed or into the closet really affect us? Truly, I don't know. Maybe it's just because we're human. Who knows?

There are more things that can be draining about the holidays, ranging from monetary things to relationships. But the point I want to make is that we shouldn't focus on those things, because they will make us miss the true point of Christmas.

Christmas is a reminder that Jesus, our Lord and Savior, came down to Earth for us. He was born of a virgin, God made flesh, for us. He died on the cross for us. He was beaten, cursed, whipped, spit on and nailed to a cross for us. He took all our sin upon Himself so that we could one day be in Heaven with Him. He defeated death once and for all, and became the penalty for our sins. He conquered Hell and paved the way to Heaven. For us. For you and me. For everyone, even though none of us deserve His grace and love.

And if we get so wrapped up in the holidays and trying to perfect every single detail of it, we will miss the most important part of the Christmas season, which is the reminder that Christ died for us and He wants to spend eternity with us.

Don't let the holidays be draining. Don't let the holidays be a distraction.

Let the holidays be a time of celebration for all He has done for you, and you'll truly celebrate and have a joyous holiday season.

Joy to the World

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope." - Romans 15:13.

It's the time of year where joy seems to abound, even to those who are generally grumpy or cranky. It's almost impossible to be without some kind of joy at this time of year, simply because of the music on the radio, the happiness of those who love this season, and the jubilation and excitement from kids waiting for Santa.

Truthfully, I was one of those who wasn't feeling very joyous this year; I was a real Scrooge. But my best friend refused to allow me to continue being a Scrooge - she'd taken it upon herself to make me enjoy this season, instead of saying "Bah Humbug" to all the festivities.

It's a bit ironic that while I wanted to a be Scrooge (which I no longer am), I wanted to spread joy to those around me. Even if I wasn't particularly looking forward to this season of celebration, renewal and exultation, I wanted to make sure everybody else had a great season.

This brings me to the topic I wanted to discuss: bringing joy to those around us.

My church decided to do something they called the #giveJoy initiative. In essence, they gave $100 to each small group (basically Sunday School), and each group could use it in any way they wanted in order to spread joy to those around them, including to help those within the church. I was excited about this opportunity to bless someone, but I had no idea that I would also be the one being blessed.

That sounds cliche: it's a blessing to bless others. But, truly, I wasn't even thinking about how I would be impacted because of a mere $100.

I contacted the woman my small group was paired with, and within minutes I had learned so much about her that my heart was breaking for her. She desperately needed help, and I was honored that my group had been selected to help her and her daughter have a great Christmas season.

It's only been 6 days since our initial conversation, but she has impacted my life so much more than we have impacted hers. But let me back up some.

During our initial conversation, she explained that her husband walked out on her and her daughter in January, so she lost her insurance coverage. Then she lost her job in September. Plus, her daughter's in a growth spurt, so she needs new clothes, but because she doesn't have a job, she can't afford anything. On top of this, they had only recently begun going to our church and didn't know anybody, so she felt excluded and like nobody cared.

Well, after our talk, I spoke with my small group about how we could spend our $100. Let me tell you - with a $15 off coupon and shopping on the clearance rack, $100 can go a long way. We went shopping on Sunday afternoon and bought her daughter probably 20 different outfits, a Bible, and then just some girly stuff just for fun. Then we decided to buy her mom a Bible of her own, a DVD player, another member of my group donated a TV, and a spa package - most of which was covered by our own pockets.

She and her daughter have also become honorary members of our small group - they may not fit the 'criteria' for our group, but we don't care. They now have people they know at church so they don't feel like outsiders. They have some backing when they need prayer warriors. And the mom has even decided to volunteer with the kids ministry on Wednesday nights. They're getting plugged in, and diving deeper towards God. All in 6 days!

Not to mention, we have also helped line her up with a few job interviews, thanks to the mother of one of our small group members. So hopefully soon, she will also have a job again and be on her way to getting back on her feet.

Now, how in the world could all of that impacted and blessed me, you ask?

Because, seeing her gratitude for everything has shown me to be thankful no matter what, even when I want to be a Scrooge. Seeing her lean on God through her trials has taught me to never remove my focus from Him, even when it's so tempting. Seeing a smile on her face when it was evident she hadn't smiled in a long time brought joy to my soul. Seeing her daughter light up every time she talks about the friends she's made at church and how excited she is to talk about God makes my heart swell.

Bringing joy to them has brought joy to my life, as cliche as that sounds.

So, when you're going through a tough time where you don't want to be joyous, I recommend being a blessing and bringing joy to someone else. Because chances are good, you'll get a heavy dose of it, too.

Puddle. On. The. Floor

The Bible makes it very clear that children are a gift from God, a blessing that we should cherish forever. Growing up, I wasn't a big kid person. If I had my way, I'd hang out with people older than me, simply because I got along with them better.

Don't get me wrong, I always wanted kids of my own, but I never really wanted to be around other people's kids. Especially if the parent wasn't going to discipline the child or just let the kid act crazy and pretend like they don't see it. That drives me crazy, and I always told myself that when I finally did have kids, mine would not be like that.

Isn't that what anybody who doesn't have kids thinks? "My kids will NOT misbehave. If they do, they will get in trouble." Or: "I can't believe that mom/dad isn't stepping in and handling this situation." Or, my personal favorite: "If I were his parent,...", fill in the blank.

Truthfully, I have no idea how my kids will be or how I will react to certain things. I was naive to think that I knew the correct way to raise a child when I hadn't even had the opportunity, and would much rather steer clear of any kids to whom I wasn't related.

My perspective of children changed drastically just over 3 years ago. My niece was born on June 1, 2012 and, though I was excited to be an uncle, I had no idea what that would entail. I honestly didn't think anything in my life would change.

Oh, how wrong I was.

I went to the hospital to see her, and awkwardly waited my turn to hold her, as she was passed from mom to dad to aunts and other uncles and Omah (my mom) and Opah (my dad) and everybody else who was there. I didn't really know how to react when it was finally my turn. Honestly, I was terrified; I'd never held a newborn baby, and wanted to get the experience over with as soon as possible.

But the moment I held her in my arms, a love I couldn't explain then and still can't explain today overwhelmed me. And when she blindly reached out and grabbed my thumb in her tiny hands? Let me tell you something - my heart stopped, and I completely melted. I was a puddle on the floor in the middle of all these people, some I knew and others I had never met. That little girl completely stole my heart.

Now she's 3, turning 4 in June (I still can't believe it's already been 3 1/2 years!), and she is one of my favorite people in the world. When I find out that she's in town, I get all giddy with excitement; I can't wait to see her! She completely transformed my life in the most unexpected way, and she will probably never know exactly how much she's impacted me. She is the sweetest, sassiest, funniest, kindest, most imaginative 3-year-old diva I have ever had the pleasure of knowing, and I can't wait to watch her grow up, even though a big part of me wishes I could dip her in wax and freeze her in this moment.

But this post isn't all about my sweet, beautiful Arabella. It's also about her little brother, Khale. He was born on September 17, 2014, and he's my best bud. He is truly the happiest baby I have ever met - the only time he really gets upset is when he's hungry, which I believe is just a Dearborn trait.

But that little boy, with his head full of curls, drool dripping down his face, a goofy grin no matter what, and wonder-filled eyes has also captured a place in my heart. When I see him, it's an act of Congress to make me give him to somebody else. I like to call myself the baby-whisperer when I handle him, because I'm one of the only people who can calm him down, and he almost always falls asleep when I'm holding him.

Again, I can't wait to see him grow up and see him take the world by storm, but at the same time, if I could, I'd lock him in a state of permanent adolescence so he never got older.

Those two kids have transformed my life. They are two of my most favorite people in the world, because they're so full of life, wonder and imagination. I have nothing but love for them, and can't wait to see them any chance I get. My favorite is when I get home from a hard day to find that they came to visit - they instantly make my day better.

Do I get on the floor and play trains, or dragons, or horses, or anything else those crazy kids come up with? You're darn right. I'm not willing to miss out on any opportunity to show them how much I care for them. I want them both to know undoubtedly that "Uncle Airwin" loves them and will always be there for them, no matter what trials come up. They can count on me.

As I said previously, the Bible makes it clear that children are a blessing from God, and I have to agree with that 100%. They have blessed my life in more ways than I can count or even begin to list here. I don't know where I'd be without those two stink-pots in my life.

So, take time to cherish those kids around you, whether you're their parents, their aunt/uncle, their cousin, or they're just a kid you know. Don't miss out on all the wonders of life that we as adults can so easily glaze over when the pressures and stress of work, bills and life itself arise. Have wonder-filled eyes like a 1-year-old, and the imagination of a 3-year-old.

Because, truly, it can change your entire perspective.

Yes, No, Later, Different

Prayers are powerful. After all, they're the way we speak to God, and sometimes the way God answers. But what happens when we feel as if our prayers go unanswered? Some people get upset (actually, most likely a lot of people), while others may not even think about it again unless the prayer was pretty significant.

Well, my pastor spoke on this sometime in March 2015, and it really hit home. He said that we need to remember that God always answers our prayers, whether we realize it or not. My pastor said that there are four different ways that God answers prayers: Yes, No, Later, Different. And when I really took a minute to think about it, I fully realized what he meant, and how true that was.

Let's start with the obvious: Yes.

'Yes' is the answer we all most likely want to hear to our prayers. But, let's be real. Receiving a 'yes' to every prayer we pray is probably not actually in our best interest. As my pastor said when he first spoke about this: if we knew everything God knew, we wouldn't ask for everything we ask for. This sounds really confusing, and I will admit that I didn't completely grasp what he was saying until he explained later.

Later in the sermon, he came back to this statement and explained it like this: "My kids constantly ask me for candy. I know how much they love and want it, but I know it's bad for them. If I said yes all the time, I know they'd get a ton of cavities. They're too young to realize that that's a possibility, because they don't know what I know. So, in this case, a 'yes' is not in their best interest."

When he explained it that way, I realized exactly what he meant. God knows everything that is going to happen, and so He knows when to say yes to our prayers, as frustrating as that is for us who desperately want something.

Personally, I know exactly how this is. When my divorce was happening, I desperately was praying for Him to heal our marriage, help us get past it all and get back to where we were before this. But, He knew why the divorce had to happen, and He graciously declined to provide a 'yes' to my situation. He knew that there was better in store for me because of my divorce, doors He had been holding open but that I had rushed past without even seeing.

This is a great segue to the next answer, which is probably the one we all hate receiving: No

'No' is the answer I absolutely HATE hearing when I'm praying, especially when I think I know what's best for me. But again, God takes my hand and shows me exactly why He told me 'no'. Sometimes I don't learn for a while, and others, it's perfectly evident.

In regards to my divorce, He gave me a definite 'no', which completely crushed me. But if you've been following my blog, or even read only one post, you'll know that God knew SO much more than I did, and that His 'no' was one of the greatest blessings I've ever received. I don't really have much to say about receiving a 'no', except that we need to realize that God tells us 'no' because He has something better in store, always.

And sometimes, He tells us 'Yes, but later'. This is one I don't necessarily care for either, as it's something I'm currently dealing with. I guess I should be thankful that it's a 'yes', but at the same time, I'm frustrated because it's also a 'later'.

This is also one of the easiest, I believe, to mistake for a 'yes'. I'll explain that later.

When my pastor was speaking on this, he made sure to say that sometimes God tells us "Yes, but later". Basically, God may want to give us whatever it is we ask Him for, but, again, because He knows so much more than we do, He also knows when we're ready to receive this 'yes'.

I've often been told I have patience a mile long, but I have to admit that when I really want something and I know God's telling me 'later', it's easy for me to get impatient. That's definitely not a good place to be in; I constantly have to pray for His guidance, His timing, His will be done. I know He's telling me that eventually I will receive my 'yes', and I know that currently I'm not ready to receive it. But, I want it so desperately.

It's easy to fool yourself into thinking that God's telling you 'yes', when really He's clearly saying 'later', because you want something so bad that you're listening to your head and not to God. But at the same time, if you're conscious enough about this possibility, it will also bring you closer to the Lord, because it'll make you want to verify with Him before you move forward.

Lastly, is 'Different'. This one hit me the hardest when my pastor was speaking, because I had never thought of it in such a way.

Basically, it's when God answers your prayers (giving you a 'yes'), but it's in a different way than you expect. Because, as we know, God knows SO much more than we do, and He knows exactly what we need. And sometimes, we don't ask for the right things, or for things in the right way.

I absolutely hated hearing about this one, but at the same time, I'm so thankful I did.

I've never mentioned in my blog before, but my grandma passed away in March 2014 due to Alzheimer's. I prayed daily for her to be healed, and when she passed away, I was so angry at God. I was so mad that He ignored my prayer; He let her die, instead of healing her and letting her stay with us.

I was angry, but I hid it well. I let it simmer inside of me, and unless I wanted you to know, you were clueless. My own family couldn't tell how angry I was.

But as my pastor explained that sometimes God answers our prayers in a different way than we expect, I was so overcome with emotion that I literally began to bawl in my seat. I realized then that God had answered my prayer; He had healed her. He allowed her to pass on so that she was no longer suffering, and that she could now be in Heaven with Him for all eternity, where she was no longer ill. He healed her in a way that, yes, I didn't want to happen. But He healed her all the same.

As horrible as it is, it took me a year to realize this. It took me a year to finally let my anger go and realize that He had answered my prayer, and that He had answered it better than I could have hoped. Because right now, I know she's dancing and singing and praising her Saviour with all that she has, with no sign of Alzheimer's, and I couldn't be more thankful for that.

If you get anything out of this post, I hope you realize that God does always answer prayers, even if they're not in the way we expect. I hope you know that He knows so much more than we do, and He knows exactly what we need, when we need it. I hope you decide to be patient, waiting for His guidance, instead of rushing head-first into something just because you think it's right, or that you're ready.

It's a lesson I've had to learn the hard way; I hope it's not the case for you.

Food, Family, Friends. Oh my!

Thanksgiving: one of my favorite holidays of the year for two simple reasons - food and family.

If you know me, you know that I am a total fatty. I LOVE food. I'm usually up to try anything, at any time. I don't like letting food go to waste. You're not gonna finish that ice cream? Pass it on over. When I'm in a new city, I always want to try something that I can't find anywhere else. Some call it adventurous (or weird - whatever); I like to think of it as advantageous. I'm taking advantage of the opportunity to eat something that I'll probably never find anywhere else.

My second reason is family. I have a HUGE family, and I love every one of them. I honestly could not imagine my life without my 4 siblings and their significant others and kids, my loving parents, and my incredibly large extended family. I mean, it's enormous: I have over 30 first and second cousins. And almost every Thanksgiving, the majority of us get together.

But that's not all that Thanksgiving is about. It's not about Black Friday sales either. How is it that literally one day after we talk about everything we're thankful for, we feel the need to go out and buy more stuff? But I digress.

No, to me, Thanksgiving is a reminder that we should be thankful year-round. Yes, it's an entire month devoted to remembering what you're thankful for, but I think it should be more than that. I think it should be a reminder to be thankful for every day, every opportunity, every blessing, and, yes, even every pitfall in life. Because this means you're still alive. It means God has granted you another day to be alive; another day with those you love; another day doing things that bring you joy; another day to relish in His glory; another day of just living.

Other than my love for food and my family, I feel it necessary to talk about other things I'm extremely thankful for, just to highlight where I currently am. I'm sure this list will update by next year, and hopefully grow longer.

As a friend of mine wrote in her blog, there are some things I'm truly thankful for, while there are others that I'm merely appreciative of. Yes, I stole that from you (because I know you're reading this, and you know who you are).

I had to sit and think on this for a while before I could determine everything I wanted to list. I don't want this blog post to get too long, but I want to highlight the things that are most important to me. So, let's do this:

1) My God. First and foremost, always and forever. He has stood by my side from the moment He began to piece me together in my mother's womb, and He will be there with me until my dying breath. Then I'll be with Him for all eternity. He has led me to people whom I would never have met otherwise, helping me develop friendships that I truly cherish. He has led me to do great things, and also to things others would think are controversial, but I know that He was right there with me. He has stood with me when I was on the mountaintop, and He sang praises over me; and He helped me traverse the valleys in life, when I was at my lowest, bringing me out the other side, as broken and bruised as I was. He has never given up on me, and I know He never will. When I turned away, He has always been waiting for me to return, arms stretched wide, preparing to give me the biggest bear-hug that I have ever received. He is my God, and I am His child. Forever, and always. And for that, I am truly thankful.

2) My best friend. I've already written about her once before, and she's going to hate me for writing about her again, but I believe if you're truly thankful for someone, you need to make sure they know. She and I have been through so much together. As I wrote previously, she has been my anchor in the storms of my life. She has helped me stay secure through everything I've been going through, not allowing me to drift away. Not only that, but she and I have the kind of friendship where we can literally talk about anything and I know she won't judge me for anything I say. Make fun of me? Most likely. Judge me? Definitely not. She has one of the kindest hearts I've ever had the privilege of getting know. Her love and passion for God, her job, missions and children are incredible. She literally lights up from the inside out when she's talking about anything she's passionate about, and that passion is so inspiring. She has seen me at my weakest and held my hand through it all, and she's seen me at my greatest and applauded my triumphs. In a world where everyone and everything is telling you who you are, it's incredibly rare to find someone who is genuine. But thankfully, that's exactly what my best friend is. She's one of the most amazing and awe-inspiring people I have ever met, and I hope she never thinks otherwise.

3) My career. I am in such amazement as to how my career has developed. I began college as a musical theatre major, and switched to Communication, simply because all my credits would have rolled over. I had absolutely no interest in going into Communication, but God had another plan. He knew where I needed to be, and He guided my steps. Now I work at an amazing news station, where I am the Director of Programming and the Digital Sales Coordinator. I also get to attend events, meet amazing people, and have the time of my life. I absolutely love the career that was practically created for me. Not many people can say they actually have a career in the field they went to school for, and I am incredibly thankful for the opportunity that I do. I wake up each morning looking forward to work, simply because I love it so much! Sometimes it can get stressful or annoying, but that comes with any career/job.

4) My divorce. Now, this is a tough one to write about, because why in the world would I be thankful for my divorce? If you've read my very first blog post, you'll already know some of my reasoning. Because of my divorce, I was able to reconnect with my best friend, whom I had missed for so long. Because of my divorce, I dove into the church. My relationship with the One True Living God grew SO much because I desperately needed Him. He also led me to where my heart is the happiest: kids ministry. Without my divorce, I have no doubt that I'd have kept making excuses as to why I couldn't volunteer. And how stupid is that? But because of my divorce, I was able to put those excuses to rest, find where I fit in at the church, and devote my time and energy to those kids. Yes, I get to the church at 7:45am on Sundays and don't leave until 1pm, and I'm incredibly tired, but it's so worth it to see those kids grow deeper in their relationship with Christ. Because of my divorce (and this is probably the weirdest one, but hear me out), I moved back in with my parents. How is that a good thing, you ask? Because I had grown distant from my parents. But now that I was living with them again, we have bonded even closer than before. My dad and I have so many inside jokes, and watch movies, and talk TV shows, and discuss work; my mom and I cook and sing and clean and just act stupid together. Not only that, though. Because I moved back home, I was able to see my niece almost every day before she moved away; I was able to secure that relationship with her. I love that munchkin so much, and now I know that she won't forget that. Every time she visits, she asks for her "Airwin", and just hearing her voice brings joy to my life. I also see my nephew at least 3 times a week now, whereas before, I saw him maybe once a month. That boy and I are besties; if I'm having a rough day, it instantly gets better when I see that goofy-grin with drool slipping down his chin. I love that boy, and I make a point to let him know it. He visibly brightens when I walk in the room, and starts reaching for me, and I love seeing that kind of reaction from him. And I know that if I hadn't moved back home, I would have just been "my dad's brother" to him and to my niece. For all these reasons, I'm so thankful for my divorce, as weird as that sounds.

5) Lastly, kids ministry. As I have mentioned in a prior post, I am the lead teacher for 4th grade boys on Sundays, and the assistant teacher for 6th grade boys on Wednesdays. Those kids have stolen my heart. They drive me crazy, but they are my kids. They wear me out every Sunday and Wednesday, but I wouldn't give it up for the world. I love seeing their eyes brighten when we talk about God. I love seeing their eagerness to dive deeper into His word. I love seeing them dance around, singing as loud as they can, praising their Savior. It warms my heart every Sunday/Wednesday, and serves as a constant reminder that I need to keep a child-like faith. People who know me know that I refer to them as my kids, because that's what they are. Currently in my stage of life, I don't have the opportunity to have children - but, in actuality, I have between 12 and 15 children. And I love them each dearly, and am going to hate when they move out of my class. But that just means that I get a whole new bunch of kids that I get to nurture and grow and share Christ with, and that I get to adopt as my own.

I know this was a long post all about being thankful, and I feel it was necessary. If you read the entire thing, congratulations. I'd give you a cookie, except I can't bake. So... sorry.

But seriously, take this time to be with your family. Be thankful for everything you have. Be thankful for things that may seem like pitfalls. Be thankful for things that bring you joy, and even for things that bring you sorrow. Be thankful for friends. Be thankful for God and His guidance.

And don't hoard up all your thankfulness and only distribute it and show it to others during the Thanksgiving season. Make sure people know year-round how thankful you are of them, because they may not be here tomorrow. Be thankful for your job all the time, even if it's just as a buggie-gatherer, because at least you have a job. Be thankful for your trials, because sometimes we learn the most when we're flat on our face on the floor with no where else to go.

Just be thankful for every day you have, no matter what happens, because we're not guaranteed another.

God is a Compass

With all the stuff I've gone through recently, I have learned that we are not supposed to be the tour guide of our lives; we are only supposed to be sitting in the passenger seat and enjoying the ride, as God leads us where He wants us.

But this is so much harder to do than people realize. We, as humans, have a desire to be in control of everything we can about our lives: we want to decide where we work, who we marry, how many kids we'll have, what we do with our money, where we will live, and so much more. But what we must realize is that our plans can't even begin to measure up to what God has planned for us.

They say if you want to hear God laugh, tell Him your plans. I don't believe this is because God thinks our plans are ridiculous, or stupid, or un-achievable. I believe that God knows where we need to be and how we need to get there.

I know for myself, I like to believe that I know what I'm doing and I don't need anybody to help me. However, I'm sure God is often shaking His head and saying "No, come this way. This is a better path." But because I'm a fallen human, I ignore his direction and do my own thing, just to realize that the path I had thought looked so inviting was actually full of pitfalls and set-backs.

But because God is gracious, He always picks me up, dusts me off, and leads me back to the correct path, even after I completely ignore His direction. He knows what I need for my life, but rather than force me to go down the path He has chosen, He waits patiently for me to choose it for myself. And I believe He celebrates when we choose to follow where He guides.

The Bible is clear where God stands with our futures and the paths He wants for us. Jeremiah 29:11 states: "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

He wants us to succeed in life; He wants us to live fulfilling lives; He wants us to find joy with His creation. He doesn't want to harm us, hinder us, or scare us. He wants the best for us, just like any loving father would for his children. Except, God is the ultimate loving Father. He will never turn away from us, despite how many times we may turn away from Him; He will happily be waiting for us to come back, with a smile on His face and His arms open.

Sometimes I think we put Him in our pocket (or a box, if you will), and forget He's even there until we get into a tight spot. Then we go back to Him and ask Him where He was, when He was waiting for us right where we left Him.

Looking back on the past 6 years of my relationship, I realize that I was running away from His direction. I was completely blind, stumbling down a tunnel, trying my hardest to prove that I could handle it on my own. What I didn't realize was that as I fumbled around, I was getting even farther away from the lighted path, my hands and feet were getting cut by thorns that I refused to acknowledge, and my hope was growing dim. I was stranded in a wilderness with no way out, but unwilling to show that I was in need of help.

But how foolish was I? The answer? Completely. I was completely foolish to believe that I knew better than the God of the universe. I was completely foolish to believe that I could guide my steps better than the God who actually knows which steps I need to take. I was foolish in letting my heart and head cloud my judgment, leading me down a path that was clearly marked as "Danger".

As I've said before, I believe that everything happens for a reason; I don't believe in consequences. And the same holds true for this. I believe that if I hadn't gone down this path, disregarding God's warnings, I wouldn't have grown closer to Him and learned to lean on Him in times of need. The Bible states that He uses all things for His good (Romans 8:28), so who am I to say that He couldn't use my straying down the wrong path to lead me to a closer relationship with Him?

With everything that I have gone through with my divorce, I have learned to trust His guidance. Though I still sometimes make rash decisions, I try to speak to my God first and foremost. I try to listen to what He is telling me about everything, so that He can guide my steps. I'd much rather Him lead me through a dimly lit path where I can't even see what's in front of me, than step out on my own on the well-lit path and fall into a carefully concealed pit.

Instead of diving headfirst into anything, I try to seek His direction. I ask my friends to pray for me to receive spiritual guidance in all endeavors, because I am so tired of making mistakes. I pray before I read my Bible, asking God to speak to me through it. I ask Him to give me wisdom in all matters of my life, no matter how insignificant they may appear. Because I know He cares about the minutest of details.

Currently, I am struggling with this because I am requesting guidance for a certain aspect of my life, and seem to be receiving conflicting answers. I've talked to a few people and I know where they stand. But, I'm scared that I don't know what God is saying.

At times I feel like He's telling me "Yes, this is what I have planned for you, stop hesitating!" But then doubt doubt and fear enter, and it seems that I hear Him telling me "No, steer clear. Don't follow that path; that's not what I have planned for you." What if I'm wrong about what He wants for me? What if I'm giving my own opinions and making myself believe they're what God is saying?

What if I'm making a rash decision based on what everyone else is telling me?

And so I pray. I pray that God will silence those other voices so I can hear exactly what He wants for me. I pray that He will speak to me in ways that will make all hesitation, doubt and fear fade away. I pray that He will guide my steps in all things, leading me exactly where He wants me. And I pray that whenever He finally decides to reveal the next part of my path, I will obediently listen and take that step, even if that means I'm grasping onto Him with trembling hands.

I can't say for certain what my next step is, but I know that God will lead me into taking it when His timing arrives. All I need to do is pray, listen, and act when He tells me to.

As my title states, I like to think of God as a compass. He points us in the right direction, if we only ask Him for guidance. So, I have chosen to move to the passenger seat and give God the wheel. I know the road He takes me on will be so much more fulfilling than any I could have traveled down on my own.

Let God be your compass and point you down the right path. After all, He already knows the way.

UPDATE:

So, God basically slapped me in the face last night. He made me realize that I wasn't listening to Him; I was listening to everyone else, and the consequence was that His voice was the one that I had drowned out.

So word of advice, make sure you know to whom you're actually listening. And make sure if you're listening to people, it aligns with what God is saying.

All Because of a Note

One thing that I think is important to talk about is friendship, and just how valuable having a great friend-base is to each person. And right now, I want to talk about one particular friendship of mine. I have referenced this friendship once in a past post when talking about how I had removed people from my life simply because my ex didn't like them, but honestly, it was mainly just one person I had axed.

I won't give out any names, but this person will know who they are as they read this post. And she most likely already does.

But the reason I wanted to talk about this friendship is to highlight just how important this particular person is to me. Yes, I cut this friend out of my life to accommodate my ex's wishes, but recently, I have also discovered that this friend removed herself because my relationship with my ex was draining on her, and she just couldn't handle it anymore.

And looking back, I completely understand that. I can't fault her for that; she was doing what was best for her, just as I was doing what I thought was best for me.

But after everything that happened with my ex, this one particular friend was the only one to reach out and see how I was doing. We hadn't spoken for 3 years, and yet, she was still concerned for my well-being.

Let me tell you something: that right there is true friendship. And after everything I had gone through, I really needed a true friend. Someone who was in my corner when the rest of the world was piling up against me. Someone who knew the situation, but didn't judge me because of any of it, but instead loved me through it. Someone who picked me up when I got beaten down, patted me on the back and pushed me back into the fray because she hadn't given up on me.

That's what a true best friend is. And thankfully, I had met mine when I was 12 years old.

Why she stuck with me through that horrible time, I'll probably never know. But I hope she knows just how much I appreciated that. Just like the guy from my church who stuck with me when I was a wreck, she was an anchor in the storm that was swirling around me. She helped me find stable ground again so that I didn't sink.

She has been one of my best friends for over 12 years now, and even with all our ups and downs, she has stuck it out. Why? I'll never truly understand. But the great thing about it is, I don't even have to know. All I need to know is that no matter what, I can count on her.

I've helped her through a few things, but I honestly believe that she's helped me through even more. She has proven herself time and time again to me, and that has done nothing but strengthen our friendship.

Without her steady and loyal friendship, I honestly don't know where I'd be right now. Even during those 3 years where we didn't speak, I firmly believe that I was in her thoughts, as she prayed for my well-being and my future, even if at the time it seemed that my future wouldn't include her.

That, to me, is the definition of true friendship. She didn't (and never has) expected anything from me; she was simply a great friend, even when I wasn't. And I can just hope that one day I'll be as good a friend back to her as she has been to me.

As Sarah Dessen says in her book Someone Like You, "Life is an awful, ugly place to not have a best friend."

Though I may mess with her constantly, be snippy, play jokes on her, be sarcastic, be sweet, be charming, be naive, or just be plain stupid, I know that she's not going anywhere. Even when she pretends that she's fed up with me, and even when she really is, I know that I don't have to worry about our friendship.

I know that she accepts me for who I am and would never even think about changing anything about me. She loves me like Christ loves the church, despite all my faults and shortcomings. And for this, I love her. As I said, I can only pray that one day I will be as good of a friend to her as she is to me.

We all need a best friend. We all need someone who we know will be there for us through all the crap that life tries to throw at us. We all need someone who can take our sass and dish it right back without getting offended. We all need someone who will carry us through the pits and valleys of life, and who will dance and sing with us when we're standing on top of the world.

We all need someone who will help steady us when we are walking through rocky terrain. And I am so thankful that I found all of those things in my best friend when I was only 12 years old.

And to think, it all started with her passing me a note.

Music to My Ears

I must be crazy. If you've been following these blog posts, then you most likely read the one where I spoke about insecurities eating me up inside.

There's one in particular that I want to talk about today: singing.

Let's back up a minute.

I currently lead 4th grade boys on Sunday mornings at my church. For a while, I was questioning if this is where I was supposed to serve. When I mentioned that I didn't feel like I was reaching the boys, one of my friends stated the following: "People don't just miraculously become a Christian overnight. It takes years of preparation; someone has to fertilize the soil so that they can grow. You may not be the one who leads them to Christ, but you could be the one who plants the seed. And the year you have with them, you're watering them and helping them flourish, even if they haven't sprouted yet."

I had never thought about it quite like that, but he was right. Someone has to get them planted in the Word, and I was more than happy to be their gardener.

Since that conversation, I've slowly come to realize that kids ministry is where I'm supposed to be serving. It's a party every Sunday, and something I look forward to. As I have said in previous blog posts, I love those kids more than they will ever even know, and they are so dear to me. I truly want what's best for them, and to help them grow in their relationship with Christ, whether it's begun yet or not.

Well, now that I had established that I wanted to be in kids ministry, I figured I should also help out on Wednesday nights at the 5th/6th grade students ministry. I showed up for my first volunteer night 3 weeks ago, and was quickly disappointed.

The kids weren't nearly as excited to be there as they were on Sundays. And the main issue I noticed? The music was lacking. The worship leaders weren't excited to be there, and so the kids fed off that boredom and weren't excited either. Most of the kids attended on Sundays where we did dance moves, jumped, waved our hands in praise and just had a great time. But they refused to do any of this, because the energy in the room was so lackadaisical.

When we broke away to dive into the Word, I noticed that the kids were still a bit bored; they were yawning, putting their heads on the table, and purposefully not paying attention. They had gotten into a routine of being bored with Wednesdays, so they didn't expect anything exciting to happen. My co-leader and I spoke for 10 minutes without any feedback, and when we went back to worship, the kids begrudgingly walked back into the auditorium.

Something needed to change. These kids needed to be on fire for God, not feel like it was something they were just required to attend because their parents dropped them off!

Well, it ended and when I was leaving, I felt like I needed to voice my opinion to the kids ministry director. I was a bit hesitant to say anything though; it was only my first night volunteering and I was already complaining. That couldn't bode well.

I told him my concerns and he told me that he was appreciative of my feedback, because none of the other leaders gave him feedback concerning Wednesdays; they simply showed up, did their jobs, and went home. To me, church isn't a job that you come, clock-in, put in your time, and peace out when you're done. It's something you invest your time into to make sure that everybody who comes to the church learns the truth of Christ, feels welcome for being there, and actually enjoys it. It shouldn't be laborious.

I didn't have a resolution on how we could remedy this, but I figured that I was good since I had at least told him where I think they needed some work.

On my way out of the parking lot, I felt this overwhelming need to go back into the building and speak with the children's ministry leader again. I didn't know exactly what I was going to say, but I felt like it was necessary that I go speak to him; God would provide me with whatever He wanted me to say.

What I didn't realize was that God was about to use me to volunteer to help the kids ministry in a way that would definitely take me out of my comfort zone. He wanted me to volunteer to help leading worship as a singer.

Wait, what? Me? Sing in public? What in the world are You talking about, God? You know I don't do that!

But... I was. I had volunteered. I had offered to help lead worship so that I could inspire the kids and get them excited to be there on Wednesdays. I already knew all the songs and all of the dance moves because of Sunday. But I had never done it on the stage, with a microphone so my voice would be broadcast throughout the room.

I was terrified.
I was excited.
I was nauseous.
I was insane.

I couldn't believe I had just volunteered for this. But at the same time, I was at peace about it, because I knew that it was God working through me. I had (and still have) major insecurities about my singing voice. I'm terrified about the day I actually have to lead - it hasn't happened yet. But I'm also looking forward to it.

As weird as it sounds, I'm so excited to get on that stage and lead those kids, because I know that God will be reaching those kids through me, even if I sound and look like a fool. I plan to get those kids dancing, singing and just plain excited for Wednesday nights. I'm going to make them desire to be at the church, instead of simply feel obligated to be there.

And, I can assure you, hearing those kids voices and seeing them praising their Savior, will be the best reward.

It will be music to my ears and delight to my eyes. And I truly cannot wait.

Misery Loves Company

Have you ever noticed that when one bad thing happens, it usually is followed by another, and then another, and then another, until you're buried under a pile of bad things, just trying to find something good in the middle of your mess?

That happened to me just recently.

On Oct 13, I took the day off of work because all the papers were ready for me to sign to move forward with the divorce. That was a terrible day, one I truly never wanted to happen. I signed at 9 that morning and was done by 10. Then I just drove around aimlessly, not wanting to go home, not wanting to stop, because I knew that if I did, I'd do nothing but think about what I had just done. But there was nothing I could do to change it; my soon-to-be ex-wife didn't want anything to do with me. She had made her choice, and because I loved her, I wasn't going to force her to stay.

I ended up wandering the mall for a few hours, not really looking at anything, but making sure to keep myself distracted.

Finally, that day had ended and I thought I was on the path to a happier life.

But then, on Oct 16, my boss blew up on me and blamed me for things that I had no influence over. Instead of getting with the correct person, he verbally attacked me since I was the closest person around, and was the only one who had any idea of what he was referencing. Again, I was in the middle of drama that I had no control over, and I was so tempted to fight back.

Instead, I dove into Scripture and bit my tongue. The Bible says to honor your boss, and do not complain about him: "Servants, obey your boss. Respect him with all your heart and try to please him as you would Christ. Obey not only when he is looking at you, as if you were pleasing a man. But obey as the servants of Christ, and do with all your heart what God wants you to do. Work gladly as if you were working for the Lord and not for men." - Ephesians 6: 4-6.

This was the last thing I wanted to do, but I knew that arguing wouldn't get me anywhere. Instead, I decided to focus on my work, show him that I wasn't the culprit, and allow my work to speak for me. By doing this, the drama at work seemed to calm down, and again, I thought I was on the path to some light in the midst of all my darkness.

But then, drama erupted in my church small group, of which I am a co-leader. Without going into too much detail, it finally came to a head where I had to tell the person creating all the drama that they needed to leave, because the group was not going to tolerate the drama they wanted to ensue.

As I said before, one bad thing led to another which led to another, until I was drowning in a sea of despair. I didn't have any real time to cope with the signing of the papers before something else was thrown my way. Then, while I was still reeling from being chewed out for something I didn't do, I now had to put that aside and deal with drama that could tear up my church group.

I don't believe in coincidences or chance. I believe everything happens for a reason; therefore, I don't think it was just a random occurrence that my church pastor preached about our Shield of Faith the Sunday before everything happened. He specifically said that the shield was supposed to be close enough that we could grab it when we're in the middle of the battle; it should always be at hand. He also said that the shield was to protect us from all types of adversary - our Shield of Faith should be something we can stand behind when the enemy is attacking us.

Also, he pointed to how sometimes we are tempted in the garden (Eve in the garden; Genesis 3:6), when everything is going great; but that we can also be tempted in the desert (Jesus in the desert; Matthew 4), when we are at our weakest.

During all of this, I was clearly in the desert, and I could feel myself being so tempted by many things. With the papers, I was tempted by depression; to lock myself away and just let the world move on without me. But, at the last moment, I pulled my Shield of Faith in front of me and protected myself from that blow.

Then, with my boss, I was tempted to not honor him. Instead, all I really wanted to do was argue, tell him he was wrong, and he needed to start paying attention to who was really at fault. Again, I realized at the last moment that this was not the way I needed to handle this - instead, I grabbed my Shield of Faith.

Lastly, with the person in my church group, I was very tempted to just walk away and let somebody else handle it. But, that wasn't the way it should've gone down. Instead, I needed to handle it directly and calmly, and try to find a good, Christ-like compromise.

Misery loves company, or so the saying goes. But I believe, God uses the misery in our lives to help us grow closer to Him. I have no doubt that's one reason that I had to deal with all of those things so close together. Coincidence or not, God used my pastor to teach me to grab my Shield of Faith during the difficult times, then he tested me to see if I would listen.

I won't say that I always do, because that would be a lie. But for these three instances, I feel like I actually paid attention, and because of this, my faith has grown stronger that ever.

Father Time Has Lost His Watch

I firmly believe that people make time for things that matter to them. To me, that includes my friends, my family and my God. I hate to say it, but I have actually neglected each of these things before, thinking that other things were more important. And, oh, did I pay the price.

My previous relationship (see Matters of the Heart for details) had me neglecting all of these at one point or another, whether I realized it at the time or not. Looking back, I can see just how messed up the relationship was, and how it made me transition what was truly important in my life.

Growing up, a sense of family was ingrained into my identity. They were the people who would be there for you no matter what; the people who would defend you against all adversaries; the people who would offer their shoulder when you needed to cry; and, the people who would lift you up when you were at your lowest.

We were a tight-nit bunch, mostly because we lived in the country about 10 miles from town, and we had no neighbors. But that helped to make us even closer than the typical family.

Looking back on the past 6 years of my life, however, I have realized just how distant I had made them. My mom and I were always close, and my sister and I were practically best friends. But once I got into my previous relationship, they became minorities while my girlfriend-turned-wife-turned-ex became a majority. It got to the point where my own family wouldn't tell me things that I desperately needed to know, because they feared I wouldn't believe them.

Don't get me wrong; it wasn't all bad -- but before all of this, they knew they could tell me everything. Now, it was almost as if they had to censor their words to make sure I didn't revolt. And, sadly, they were right.

Moving past this, though, I also realized how far I had pushed away my friendships. I had begun cancelling plans with friends because my soon-to-be ex wanted to do something instead, and didn't want anybody else to join, or didn't like the people I invited. This made my friend-group drop from around 8 people to me barely able to hold onto 2. At the time, I didn't think anything was bad about this. I told myself I'd rather have 2 or 3 close friends than a bunch of acquaintances.

In all honesty, I was making excuses so I wouldn't feel bad about neglecting them and making them feel less important. But it didn't matter what I told myself; the truth was, I had hurt them, driven them away and made them feel as if being friends with me was something they had to strive for. If they wanted to be my friend, they'd reach out and try, right?

Remember from my first blog me saying some things are a two-way street? Same goes for this, except this time, I was the one refusing to get behind the wheel.

And last, but certainly not least, was my God. When we first started dating, my ex and I were on-fire for God. But once we got married and things got busy, we began making excuses as to why we couldn't go, until it became a habit of not going. Finally, thankfully, we had decided enough was enough and we dove back into it. We joined a small group at the church, which helped us reconnect with God and the church.

But, now the issue was, we had to actually attend a group on a weekly basis. We barely wanted to go to church; why would we want to attend a small group? This caused consistent arguments between us, me wanting to go and her not (or vice versa, depending on the day).

I have always believed that people make time for things that are important to them. If they have to cancel plans with friends, they would reschedule with them so they can still hang out. If they can't attend church, they listen to a podcast later. If they can't go to Thanksgiving, they at least make a phone call.

But to me, I wasn't living this. Instead, I was preaching it to others but not living it myself. I didn't want to paint myself in a negative light (nobody does, right?), so I made it where I was never in the wrong. If somebody wanted to hang out with me, talk to me, or see me, they would have reached out. I didn't have to be in charge of all of that. And that was my mistake, and what almost ruined a lot of my relationships.

Thankfully, I learned my lesson before it was too late. I realized that I needed to make an effort. I had to make my friends and family realize they were important to me. I had to remind myself why God was so important to me; He died for me, after all. I think I can go without an extra hour of sleep.

I now have great friends whom, when I can't hang out, I make it a point to reschedule so they know they are important to me. My family and I are close again (probably even closer than before), and I know they've got my back no matter what, and I've got theirs. And my God and I, we are best friends again. I'd rather cancel plans than miss church or small group.

People make time for things that are important to them. If they don't make time for something, it most likely isn't important to them. Learn from my mistake; don't let what's important to you slip through your fingers. Because if you do, you may not be able to catch it before it falls.

What's the Point in Dreaming If We Don't Dream Big?

Insecurities like to run rampant in me.

Am I good enough? Will 'so-and-so' like me? Will what I write actually sound intellectual? Will it even be well-written? What about my singing voice? Am I even good, or are my parents just telling me that to build me up? This shirt doesn't really look good, does it? What if they laugh? I can't tell my story; nobody will care. My haircut is horrible; maybe I should wear it a different way. But why? It's still not going to look good.

These types of questions have haunted me for most of my life. Growing up, I was the outgoing and extroverted child who wanted to know everything there was to know about the world. I wanted to meet everyone, hear their story, and learn from them. I wanted to go everywhere, do everything, see everything. But growing up with this type of curiosity made me an outsider. It wasn't the "norm". Most people in my little town were happy just getting to know their backyard, if that. Who cared about the yard, or the kid, or the dog across the street?

Me, that's who.

Being different in today's society is something that's considered 'brave', 'noble', or even 'cool'. Not when I was growing up. It was simply 'different'. And we all know different can't possibly be good.

The younger me, who enjoyed learning everything, slowly became an introvert with a small group of friends, who preferred books to people. The curiosity inside me never died; I simply refused to put it on display. Instead, I turned to writing, reading, painting, dreaming, singing, and acting. Those last two were only displayed whenever I knew nobody I knew would be present.

But even then, insecurities would eat me up. I may not have known anyone in the crowd, but I was so sure somebody out there was critiquing my singing or acting abilities. I refused to put my writing online for the longest time, because I quickly learned that people are more confident and brash when they're hiding behind a keyboard and a made-up domain name.

Growing up, I was bullied. As far as I knew, nobody knew; I only just recently told my parents about it. I didn't want anybody to know, but I'm sure that my friends and family could slowly see the light dying within me. My thirst to know about everything around me slowly changed until I preferred staying in my room, reading a book, writing a story (which I always hid so nobody would read it), or attempting to draw. I stopped exploring outside. I still lusted to travel, but I didn't really acknowledge it - pretending to be happy just looking at pictures of far-away places, instead of actually planning to go there.

Don't get me wrong -- wanderlust and curiosity are not bad; in fact, I think they're wonderful! But they made me different than the other kids. As I said before, most of them were more concerned with who they were dating or the party on the weekend than where they could travel, what they could do, or who they could be. Many of them were content with graduating high school and.... that's it. They weren't looking forward to the future.

I couldn't wait to get out of high school. I hated it there, mostly because, as I mentioned before, I was bullied incessantly. It was almost a daily thing; I could count on it almost as sure as the sun would rise. But it was also because I had huge dreams I wanted to accomplish. My issue was -- I had even bigger insecurities.

The plans I had for my life were astronomical. They weren't possible for someone like me. Clearly, I needed to come up with something more low-key for my life, because who would really believe that I could do all the things I wanted? I couldn't travel everywhere; I couldn't become a best-selling author; I couldn't be a famous actor; I wouldn't see my name in bright lights or on the cover of a book. Those were impossibilities, and I definitely needed to rethink about my future.

Right?

Sadly, the insecure, introverted boy I had become believed all of that. But, they were all lies -- lies told to me from my classmates, from teachers, from people I had naively called friends, from family, and even from myself. They say that we are our own biggest critic, and I'd have to agree. I critiqued (and still do) myself way too harshly, and many times I believe the critiques, despite the evidence right in front of me.

No, I'm not a famous actor. I don't have a best-selling book. I don't travel everywhere. I've never seen my name in lights.

But, after years of lies, I have finally found the truth. If I really wanted any of those things (which, yes, I want some, but not all of those), nobody is stopping me, except myself. It's a daily battle to fight the insecurities inside and keep them silent. Even now, as I write this blog post, insecurity is creeping in, asking if anybody actually cares enough to read it. But, I have to remember that it doesn't matter if nobody reads this. The fact stays the same that whether people read it or not, my insecurities do not define me. I am more than my self-doubt.

I am currently working on a manuscript that will hopefully become a published novel. I'd love to see my name on the cover of a book when I go into my favorite bookstore. I no longer have a desire to be an actor, but am planning on eventually getting back into community theatre. You see, though I have insecurities and deal with them constantly, I am learning not to listen to them; instead, I am listening to what I want for my life and believing that I am good enough to do anything. No longer do I listen to what others tell me I am, or what they think I can or can't accomplish. They don't have any say in what I decide to do, who I am, or what I can achieve.

Insecurities are usually based on things that are ingrained in us from childhood; I know mine definitely are. But, we cannot allow them to rule our lives, or else we will eventually find that we are dead inside, comparing ourselves to people who most likely don't even think about us.

Instead, we need to explore the world, learn everything we can, and go out of our way to make sure that nobody we come in contact with feels insecure because of us. And if they already do, remedy it. If they feel insecure because of somebody else, remind them that they are important. Their dreams do matter. They matter. They can do or be anything they want, despite what the world says about them.

Dream big. Remember that you're more than what others think of you. Decide that your life is yours, not theirs, and they no longer have a handle on directing it. Realize that you are made for wondrous things, whether you know what those are or not. Nobody can tell you who you are, except for you. Don't let others voices drown out your own.

Speak out, live life, and encourage others. Be weird. Be outgoing. Be different.

Be you.

Because, if you don't, then who will?

Matters of the Heart

My soon-to-be ex-wife and I had a 5 year plan, including that after about 5 years of marriage, we would start trying for children. Well, to me, that meant that at about 3 years, we would begin mentally preparing ourselves. Around our 3 year anniversary, I decided it was time for me to begin mentally preparing to have children, because chances are good that it would happen within the next 2 years or so.

3 days after our anniversary, my world tumbled and crashed to the ground. I was ready to have children, and now that opportunity was ripped away. I felt like I was dying.

When I explained it to my sister, I used an analogy that I knew she would understand: Marriage is like climbing a tree with your best friend. Divorce is like having the branch you were standing on break, and you begin falling, not knowing when you're going to hit the ground and afraid of what you'll hit on your way down. But eventually you do hit the ground, and it knocks the wind out of your lungs and you can't breathe, and you feel like you'll die before you regain your breath. That's exactly how I felt. 3 days after our 3 year anniversary, I was falling out of the tree, my best friend having snapped the branch I was standing on.

Divorce sucks. Plain and simple. There's no reason to mince words about it. Divorce. Sucks. It drains you mentally, physically and emotionally, and unless you've gone through it, you can't even relate to the agony of it all, regardless of how hard you try. And I don't know if that's better or worse.

But worse yet is knowing that no matter how hard you try to fix things between you and your spouse, it's a two-way street, and sometimes there is only one car on the road. That's the worst of it: knowing that the person you dreamed of eternity with has decided that your time is no longer valuable. That you are a hindrance to them. That you can't truly make them happy, despite how much you tried. That they're happier apart from you than they ever truly were with you. That they're happy with their decision, even though they've ripped out your heart, slashed it wide open and squashed it into the ground. Yeah, that's so much worse.

You also don't realize just how lonely you are, until the person you did everything with has now cut you out of their life. Something, whether it's good or bad, will happen, and I'll reach for my phone to text my soon-to-be ex, and have to catch myself. I still do this, and I don't think it's a bad thing. But it's a painful thing, because your go-to person, who you trusted with everything, is now nonexistent in your reality. It's like drowning and there's no life raft in sight.

But, it can also be good. No, the heart-ache and the disappointment and, yes, even resentment towards the other person is not good for you. The possibility of depression, self-doubt, or even self-hatred is definitely negative. The fact that you may lose friends and have a divide in your family because they don't understand or agree with what you're going through, even if it's not your fault? Yeah, not exactly a trip to Disney World.

But, good can come out of divorce if you're willing to let God use it for good.

I struggled with this for quite some time. I never wanted to be that person who was divorced. I always felt like that was a taboo thing, and I wanted no part of it. I didn't want people to look at me and think 'oh, he's one of those'. I was ashamed for a decision I had no part in. I lost friends because of something I didn't choose. I learned the true colors of some of my family because of something I was now associated with, because they jumped to conclusions instead of listening to me. I was now part of a negative stigma. I was getting a divorce.

I moved back in with my parents, where I stayed in my room most of the time. I would only venture out when I was hungry, or had to go to work. Other than that, I was slowly becoming a recluse. A depressed, self-pitying recluse. For the longest time, none of my friends or family knew about what I was going through, because I was too ashamed to say anything. I was hoping and praying that it was all a horrible dream and that eventually I would wake up. But, that never happened. It was my reality, and it sucked.

Everything had changed in my life. We had just signed on to lead a young professionals small group, but now I wasn't steady enough to lead myself, much less a group. I contacted the director and explained what happened. After a few moments of conversation, she asked if I'd be interested in speaking with her husband. It turned out he had gone through a similar situation with his previous wife. His wife had walked out on him also. Reluctantly, I agreed, and she put me in contact with him. He wanted to meet me and get to know me a little better, and hopefully help me get through this. That was the absolute last thing I wanted. I had no interest in meeting him. I didn't want to talk about what I was going through. If you don't mention it, it doesn't exist, right? Wrong. So very wrong.

Begrudgingly, I met with him. I don't know why he stuck with me, because I was clearly a wreck, but he did. When we spoke, he gave me some words of advice that I'll never forget. He said: "You have to own your story. That's the only way to heal. Don't hide away from it." Don't hide? Own it? Why would I want to do that? That sounded completely absurd. Then he gave me a book to read titled "Enemies of the Heart". I read it in a week. It made me realize something: I was harboring anger in my heart for my soon-to-be ex-wife, even though I didn't want to admit it. Because of this, I was holding on to something that was nonexistent, and I was giving her power over me. When I finished the book, I realized that the first step in moving on with my life was to forgive her. So that's what I did. I didn't say anything verbally to her. I didn't text or email her. I just forgave her in my heart. And suddenly, I was at peace.

It sounds crazy, doesn't it? But I was. I was at peace with my situation. Forget what people said about me. Forget about how people perceived me. Forget about all the assumptions that I'm sure were in many people's minds. I was at peace, and that's all that mattered. Did I still hate the situation? Absolutely. I still do. Do I miss her like crazy? All the time. She was my best friend, after all. And a part of me will always love her, despite what she put me through. Nothing will ever change that.

If you've read this far, I'm surprised. But you're probably wondering when the good from all this bad will come in, and how does divorce lead to good things? Well, here we go.

After meeting with this guy at church, I made the conscious decision that I was not going to allow myself to sink into depression, even though I was almost there. I refused. I decided that I could either sink into depression, allowing people to feel pity for me (and, oh, how tempting that was), or I could dive into the church. Thankfully, I chose the latter.

I told the guy from church that I wanted to get plugged in, but didn't know what I could contribute. Long story short, I began working in the kids ministry in the media department during the 8am service. But now I needed to find something to do during the 9:30am service, since I went to the 11:15am service. Again, long story short, I now am a lead teacher for 12 - 15 4th grade boys during the 9:30am service.

Now, let's jump back to the beginning of this blog post. I was mentally preparing myself to have a child, but with a single word, that plan was ripped away. I didn't know when, if ever, I'd have a child, even though I was so ready for it. However, because of what I went through, God provided a way for me to get deeper into my church. He allowed me to get connected in a way I never had been, nor probably ever would have been, before. He allowed me to see who my true friends were, and allowed me to meet a completely new set of friends who don't care about my past but love me regardless. He allowed me to reconnect with old friends, whom I hadn't seen or even spoken to in so long simply because my ex didn't care for them. And, oh, how I missed those friendships!

But above all else, he gave me 12 to 15 kids. In His own way, He gave me children. I love those boys more than they will ever know, even when they drive me up the wall, are crawling under tables, or trying to play hide and seek while I'm trying to teach them. I love my new-found friendships, the friendships that were restored, and the ones who have stood by me through all this crap. I love being plugged into a church and knowing that I'm doing more with my life than simply hiding in my bedroom. Despite all my misfortunes, I can honestly say, I love my life and wouldn't change anything about it.

Maybe God used this to show me just how useless I was being, how miserable I really was, and what I really wanted out of life. Maybe it was His way of showing me what He had planned for me, while I had previously been making excuses so I wouldn't have to get uncomfortable. Now those excuses were gone; I had nothing holding me back. And He used me to fulfill a greater purpose than I'd ever have thought I was worthy of doing. And He still is.

Divorce sucks. I've said it once and I'll say it again. Divorce sucks. It can rip you apart until you don't even recognize yourself. But sometimes, if you let it, it can lead you to even greater happiness. Sometimes, if you're willing, God will take those broken pieces and turn you into a masterpiece, like only He can.

Don't follow in my footsteps and slowly become a depressed recluse. Instead, dive into the church. I promise, you won't regret it. I sure don't. Who knows? You might find a family who's ready to take you as you are, even to the point of helping you unpack your baggage.