Matters of the Heart

My soon-to-be ex-wife and I had a 5 year plan, including that after about 5 years of marriage, we would start trying for children. Well, to me, that meant that at about 3 years, we would begin mentally preparing ourselves. Around our 3 year anniversary, I decided it was time for me to begin mentally preparing to have children, because chances are good that it would happen within the next 2 years or so.

3 days after our anniversary, my world tumbled and crashed to the ground. I was ready to have children, and now that opportunity was ripped away. I felt like I was dying.

When I explained it to my sister, I used an analogy that I knew she would understand: Marriage is like climbing a tree with your best friend. Divorce is like having the branch you were standing on break, and you begin falling, not knowing when you're going to hit the ground and afraid of what you'll hit on your way down. But eventually you do hit the ground, and it knocks the wind out of your lungs and you can't breathe, and you feel like you'll die before you regain your breath. That's exactly how I felt. 3 days after our 3 year anniversary, I was falling out of the tree, my best friend having snapped the branch I was standing on.

Divorce sucks. Plain and simple. There's no reason to mince words about it. Divorce. Sucks. It drains you mentally, physically and emotionally, and unless you've gone through it, you can't even relate to the agony of it all, regardless of how hard you try. And I don't know if that's better or worse.

But worse yet is knowing that no matter how hard you try to fix things between you and your spouse, it's a two-way street, and sometimes there is only one car on the road. That's the worst of it: knowing that the person you dreamed of eternity with has decided that your time is no longer valuable. That you are a hindrance to them. That you can't truly make them happy, despite how much you tried. That they're happier apart from you than they ever truly were with you. That they're happy with their decision, even though they've ripped out your heart, slashed it wide open and squashed it into the ground. Yeah, that's so much worse.

You also don't realize just how lonely you are, until the person you did everything with has now cut you out of their life. Something, whether it's good or bad, will happen, and I'll reach for my phone to text my soon-to-be ex, and have to catch myself. I still do this, and I don't think it's a bad thing. But it's a painful thing, because your go-to person, who you trusted with everything, is now nonexistent in your reality. It's like drowning and there's no life raft in sight.

But, it can also be good. No, the heart-ache and the disappointment and, yes, even resentment towards the other person is not good for you. The possibility of depression, self-doubt, or even self-hatred is definitely negative. The fact that you may lose friends and have a divide in your family because they don't understand or agree with what you're going through, even if it's not your fault? Yeah, not exactly a trip to Disney World.

But, good can come out of divorce if you're willing to let God use it for good.

I struggled with this for quite some time. I never wanted to be that person who was divorced. I always felt like that was a taboo thing, and I wanted no part of it. I didn't want people to look at me and think 'oh, he's one of those'. I was ashamed for a decision I had no part in. I lost friends because of something I didn't choose. I learned the true colors of some of my family because of something I was now associated with, because they jumped to conclusions instead of listening to me. I was now part of a negative stigma. I was getting a divorce.

I moved back in with my parents, where I stayed in my room most of the time. I would only venture out when I was hungry, or had to go to work. Other than that, I was slowly becoming a recluse. A depressed, self-pitying recluse. For the longest time, none of my friends or family knew about what I was going through, because I was too ashamed to say anything. I was hoping and praying that it was all a horrible dream and that eventually I would wake up. But, that never happened. It was my reality, and it sucked.

Everything had changed in my life. We had just signed on to lead a young professionals small group, but now I wasn't steady enough to lead myself, much less a group. I contacted the director and explained what happened. After a few moments of conversation, she asked if I'd be interested in speaking with her husband. It turned out he had gone through a similar situation with his previous wife. His wife had walked out on him also. Reluctantly, I agreed, and she put me in contact with him. He wanted to meet me and get to know me a little better, and hopefully help me get through this. That was the absolute last thing I wanted. I had no interest in meeting him. I didn't want to talk about what I was going through. If you don't mention it, it doesn't exist, right? Wrong. So very wrong.

Begrudgingly, I met with him. I don't know why he stuck with me, because I was clearly a wreck, but he did. When we spoke, he gave me some words of advice that I'll never forget. He said: "You have to own your story. That's the only way to heal. Don't hide away from it." Don't hide? Own it? Why would I want to do that? That sounded completely absurd. Then he gave me a book to read titled "Enemies of the Heart". I read it in a week. It made me realize something: I was harboring anger in my heart for my soon-to-be ex-wife, even though I didn't want to admit it. Because of this, I was holding on to something that was nonexistent, and I was giving her power over me. When I finished the book, I realized that the first step in moving on with my life was to forgive her. So that's what I did. I didn't say anything verbally to her. I didn't text or email her. I just forgave her in my heart. And suddenly, I was at peace.

It sounds crazy, doesn't it? But I was. I was at peace with my situation. Forget what people said about me. Forget about how people perceived me. Forget about all the assumptions that I'm sure were in many people's minds. I was at peace, and that's all that mattered. Did I still hate the situation? Absolutely. I still do. Do I miss her like crazy? All the time. She was my best friend, after all. And a part of me will always love her, despite what she put me through. Nothing will ever change that.

If you've read this far, I'm surprised. But you're probably wondering when the good from all this bad will come in, and how does divorce lead to good things? Well, here we go.

After meeting with this guy at church, I made the conscious decision that I was not going to allow myself to sink into depression, even though I was almost there. I refused. I decided that I could either sink into depression, allowing people to feel pity for me (and, oh, how tempting that was), or I could dive into the church. Thankfully, I chose the latter.

I told the guy from church that I wanted to get plugged in, but didn't know what I could contribute. Long story short, I began working in the kids ministry in the media department during the 8am service. But now I needed to find something to do during the 9:30am service, since I went to the 11:15am service. Again, long story short, I now am a lead teacher for 12 - 15 4th grade boys during the 9:30am service.

Now, let's jump back to the beginning of this blog post. I was mentally preparing myself to have a child, but with a single word, that plan was ripped away. I didn't know when, if ever, I'd have a child, even though I was so ready for it. However, because of what I went through, God provided a way for me to get deeper into my church. He allowed me to get connected in a way I never had been, nor probably ever would have been, before. He allowed me to see who my true friends were, and allowed me to meet a completely new set of friends who don't care about my past but love me regardless. He allowed me to reconnect with old friends, whom I hadn't seen or even spoken to in so long simply because my ex didn't care for them. And, oh, how I missed those friendships!

But above all else, he gave me 12 to 15 kids. In His own way, He gave me children. I love those boys more than they will ever know, even when they drive me up the wall, are crawling under tables, or trying to play hide and seek while I'm trying to teach them. I love my new-found friendships, the friendships that were restored, and the ones who have stood by me through all this crap. I love being plugged into a church and knowing that I'm doing more with my life than simply hiding in my bedroom. Despite all my misfortunes, I can honestly say, I love my life and wouldn't change anything about it.

Maybe God used this to show me just how useless I was being, how miserable I really was, and what I really wanted out of life. Maybe it was His way of showing me what He had planned for me, while I had previously been making excuses so I wouldn't have to get uncomfortable. Now those excuses were gone; I had nothing holding me back. And He used me to fulfill a greater purpose than I'd ever have thought I was worthy of doing. And He still is.

Divorce sucks. I've said it once and I'll say it again. Divorce sucks. It can rip you apart until you don't even recognize yourself. But sometimes, if you let it, it can lead you to even greater happiness. Sometimes, if you're willing, God will take those broken pieces and turn you into a masterpiece, like only He can.

Don't follow in my footsteps and slowly become a depressed recluse. Instead, dive into the church. I promise, you won't regret it. I sure don't. Who knows? You might find a family who's ready to take you as you are, even to the point of helping you unpack your baggage.