I firmly believe that people make time for things that matter to them. To me, that includes my friends, my family and my God. I hate to say it, but I have actually neglected each of these things before, thinking that other things were more important. And, oh, did I pay the price.
My previous relationship (see Matters of the Heart for details) had me neglecting all of these at one point or another, whether I realized it at the time or not. Looking back, I can see just how messed up the relationship was, and how it made me transition what was truly important in my life.
Growing up, a sense of family was ingrained into my identity. They were the people who would be there for you no matter what; the people who would defend you against all adversaries; the people who would offer their shoulder when you needed to cry; and, the people who would lift you up when you were at your lowest.
We were a tight-nit bunch, mostly because we lived in the country about 10 miles from town, and we had no neighbors. But that helped to make us even closer than the typical family.
Looking back on the past 6 years of my life, however, I have realized just how distant I had made them. My mom and I were always close, and my sister and I were practically best friends. But once I got into my previous relationship, they became minorities while my girlfriend-turned-wife-turned-ex became a majority. It got to the point where my own family wouldn't tell me things that I desperately needed to know, because they feared I wouldn't believe them.
Don't get me wrong; it wasn't all bad -- but before all of this, they knew they could tell me everything. Now, it was almost as if they had to censor their words to make sure I didn't revolt. And, sadly, they were right.
Moving past this, though, I also realized how far I had pushed away my friendships. I had begun cancelling plans with friends because my soon-to-be ex wanted to do something instead, and didn't want anybody else to join, or didn't like the people I invited. This made my friend-group drop from around 8 people to me barely able to hold onto 2. At the time, I didn't think anything was bad about this. I told myself I'd rather have 2 or 3 close friends than a bunch of acquaintances.
In all honesty, I was making excuses so I wouldn't feel bad about neglecting them and making them feel less important. But it didn't matter what I told myself; the truth was, I had hurt them, driven them away and made them feel as if being friends with me was something they had to strive for. If they wanted to be my friend, they'd reach out and try, right?
Remember from my first blog me saying some things are a two-way street? Same goes for this, except this time, I was the one refusing to get behind the wheel.
And last, but certainly not least, was my God. When we first started dating, my ex and I were on-fire for God. But once we got married and things got busy, we began making excuses as to why we couldn't go, until it became a habit of not going. Finally, thankfully, we had decided enough was enough and we dove back into it. We joined a small group at the church, which helped us reconnect with God and the church.
But, now the issue was, we had to actually attend a group on a weekly basis. We barely wanted to go to church; why would we want to attend a small group? This caused consistent arguments between us, me wanting to go and her not (or vice versa, depending on the day).
I have always believed that people make time for things that are important to them. If they have to cancel plans with friends, they would reschedule with them so they can still hang out. If they can't attend church, they listen to a podcast later. If they can't go to Thanksgiving, they at least make a phone call.
But to me, I wasn't living this. Instead, I was preaching it to others but not living it myself. I didn't want to paint myself in a negative light (nobody does, right?), so I made it where I was never in the wrong. If somebody wanted to hang out with me, talk to me, or see me, they would have reached out. I didn't have to be in charge of all of that. And that was my mistake, and what almost ruined a lot of my relationships.
Thankfully, I learned my lesson before it was too late. I realized that I needed to make an effort. I had to make my friends and family realize they were important to me. I had to remind myself why God was so important to me; He died for me, after all. I think I can go without an extra hour of sleep.
I now have great friends whom, when I can't hang out, I make it a point to reschedule so they know they are important to me. My family and I are close again (probably even closer than before), and I know they've got my back no matter what, and I've got theirs. And my God and I, we are best friends again. I'd rather cancel plans than miss church or small group.
People make time for things that are important to them. If they don't make time for something, it most likely isn't important to them. Learn from my mistake; don't let what's important to you slip through your fingers. Because if you do, you may not be able to catch it before it falls.
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