Let It All Go

These past few weeks have been a roller coaster of emotion for me. I had thought I was trusting in God with everything concerning my future, but it appears that I have been secretly holding a minor part back, scared to let it fully go.

And isn't that normal? We want to think we don't need help. We don't want to admit insecurity, fear or doubt. But those are human feelings and emotions that everybody feels. So, why is such a bad thing to admit that we deal with those?

My human nature wants to handle everything myself, saying I don't need God's help. But that's a complete lie - a lie from the enemy, who wants me to focus more on myself and what I can do for my circumstances, instead of realizing that I can't do anything without God's help.

I've had to come to terms with the fact that I'm not fully trusting God. It was a hard fact. I was in a place where I let Him handle it until I got scared or nervous or confused, then I'd yank it back and try to fix it myself.

Proverbs 3:5-6 NIV has been a major instrument in this. Every time I yanked my life and future back and tried to handle it myself, this verse popped up: "Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight."

It got to the point where, when this verse popped up during the sermon yesterday at church, I muttered "I'm so sick of this verse" just loud enough for my girlfriend and my mom to hear me. My mom leaned over and circled "Trust in the LORD", and said: "Maybe if you'd start doing this, you wouldn't need this reminder so often."

Way to effectively slap me in the face, Mom.

But she's completely right. I hadn't realized it at the time, but now I know: I wasn't trusting the Lord. At least not fully. I was trusting Him, but with a contingency that, if I didn't like how it was being handled, I'd take it back.

Let me just say: God doesn't work on contingencies. It's either His way or our way; there is no in-between. And if we do it our way, it never works out how it should.

God knows exactly what He's doing, and I have to learn to trust Him, even if I don't fully understand what He's doing.

It could take days. It could take weeks. God forbid, it could even take years.

In the Bible, Joseph was a slave for years, then thrown into prison for multiple more years, and yet God still used him for His purposes. While Joseph was confused, full of doubt and insecurities - and most likely wondering what God was doing - he fully trusted that God was preparing him and was going to provide a way for him to be used. And, boy, did He.

How could Joseph, a slave and prisoner, trust in God fully, while I'm struggling with it? I'm not a slave. I'm not a prisoner. I don't have to deal with the kinds of struggles that Joseph went through, and yet he exemplified what it means to have a total dependence on God.

If there's ever a role model for you, it'd be Joseph.

God's timing is perfect. As my pastor likes to say: "God is a crockpot God; He works in our lives slowly. We can't microwave our life when He's slowly cooking our futures."

If I tried to rush into something now, I wouldn't be fully prepared. And that's another hard truth that I've had to realize: I would not be prepared on my own. God will take His time in order to prepare me mentally, physically, spiritually, intellectually, and emotionally. God will open doors when He knows I'm prepared for that next step.

The future is a scary place, because it's full of the unknown. I hate uncertainty. I don't mind spontaneity, but I at least like to know some kind of plan, no matter how rough of a sketch, just so I know a bit what I can expect.

I think that's why this is so difficult for me. Because, right now, I'm in the dark. I have no idea what's going to happen. I don't know where He is going to lead me. I don't understand why He is leading me down this path when there seems to be no end in sight. I'm scared of where He might potentially be calling me. I'm worried about the sacrifices I'll have to make in order to follow Him and His will for my life.

This is a daily struggle that I have to remind myself of, simply because my human nature wants to take control. But then I remember the song "Thy Will" by Hillary Scott and the Scott Family: "I'm so confused. I know I heard You loud and clear, so I followed through. Somehow I ended up here... Sometimes I've gotta stop, remember that You're God, and I am not, so Thy will be done. Thy will be done. Thy will be done... I know You see me. I know You hear me, Lord. Your plans are for me, goodness You have in store...."

Or, "Brave" by Moriah Peters: "No one ever told me this would be easy, but I never knew that it could be this hard. Oh, the worry, the worry, the worry is weighing on me. Could you help me break down all these question marks and make me brave! I'll fight like a soldier. Brave! Rise like a warrior. Brave! Won't stop 'til the final day. Brave! I want to be stronger. Brave! Gonna be bolder. Brave! Look up and I see the way You make me brave!"

Or even, "More Than You Think I Am" by Danny Gokey: "I'm more than you dreamed, more than you understand. Your days and your times were destined for our dance... Be still and trust My plan. I'm more than you think I am, more than you think I am."

When I deal with these insecurities, fears, doubts and confusion, I have to remind myself that He is in control, He has great plans for me, and anything He has prepared for me is better than I could ever have planned for myself.

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" - Jeremiah 29:11 NIV.

So, I just have to trust in Him and let it all go; He's going to work it out. That's so much easier said than done, but it's definitely worth doing.

Mama's Boy

I want to take a few minutes and talk about someone who is very near and dear to me: my mother.

Recently, my mom was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease, and she's having a very hard time coping with it. I try to remind her of how strong she is and that God is guiding her path, even through this difficult time.

It's difficult to watch someone go through such a struggle. But, it's also difficult to believe someone who tells you how strong you are when you're going through a struggle and you don't feel like you're handling it very well.

Let me back up a little and give some background on my mother:

Before I was born, my parents were foster parents. They took in children who didn't have a forever-home, and loved them until they found one. Eventually, they adopted two of these children: my brothers, Jason and Michael.

Little did they know the struggles that would come from this. The younger of the two boys had a variety of issues: at just a few weeks old, he was addicted to crack; he is bipolar; he had asthma; he has the reading mentality of a 4th grader; he has the social skills of a middle-schooler; he has anger issues.

Watching my mom handle my brother when he gets into one of his moods is so inspiring. She's so incredibly strong, even when she breaks down. Of course she has days where she wants to call it quits, and she cries and asks "Why me?", but for the past 26 years, she has loved and cherished my brother, despite all of those issues he has/had.

He can flip from the nicest guy you've met to the meanest in the drop of a hat, and my mom handles it like a champ. She knows how to react towards him to make his mood mellow out. She knows how to calm him down when he gets frustrated or annoyed. She knows how to appease him when he's freaking out about something as trivial as the gender of his chickens. Because, to him, those are major issues - even though, to us, they're trivial and don't really matter, I have to constantly remind myself of his mental state. He's 26 years old, but doesn't always act like it.

And, sure, my mom has to remind herself of this as well sometimes, but generally, she handles him so much better than I do.

Then, when I was 2 years old, my mom got in a bad car wreck. She was thrown threw the window, and, long story short, she walked with a cane for the better part of 15 years. At one point, it had gotten so bad that my parents had to invest in an electronic wheelchair to make sure she was able to get around the house.

So, on top of trying to cope with the adoption of a crack-addicted, bipolar, mentally-disabled 3-year-old, my mother now had to teach herself how to walk again. I don't remember much of it because I was so young, but I do remember seeing her favorite cane leaning next to the door, next to the pew at church, or next to her chair.

But just knowing that she persevered and got to a point where she didn't need that cane or the electronic wheelchair anymore is so inspiring. When it all seemed hopeless, she pushed through and found a strength within herself. When others would have given up on themselves, she never did.

And now, she's dealing with Parkinson's. I think this one is hitting her the hardest of everything else: she easily gets dizzy; she has trouble texting or writing because her hands shake; she has to walk with her cane again; she can't drive more than 5 miles away from the house; she forgets words; for a while, she was scared to babysit my niece and nephew.

It was a culmination of a great many things that came crashing down in one big, massive tidal wave, spinning her world out of control, and making her wonder how she would ever get through it.

But I just have to say: I know my mother. I've watched her my entire life. She is one of the strongest women -- if not the strongest woman -- I have ever met. She barely ever complains, and when she does, it's because she's finally had enough. She handles problems and issues with grace and faith. Through everything she's gone, she has relied on God to help her. Her faith has been unwavering, despite it all.

She may not see it now, but I know... I just know that she will survive this. She will come out on top, like she always has. She will find a way to handle this with grace and elegance and love. Instead of letting Parkinson's use her, she will use it.

She used to write for a magazine about being a foster and adoptive parent to a bipolar child. Instead of focusing on how bad she had it, she used her experience to help others. I would not be surprised if she found a way to use her experiences with Parkinson's to aid others who can't or won't handle it nearly as well as I know she will.

Does she have days where she feels pity for herself? Sure, who doesn't? But, do the days that she's more concerned with helping others and being strong outweigh those? You better believe it.

My mom is my hero. She always has been. And, even though she's struggling now, she's going to triumph in the end.

When TV Gets Too Real

When I'm at the gym, I tend to either listen to Pandora or watch Hulu, depending on what I'm doing. If I'm lifting weights, it's Pandora; if I'm doing cardio, I watch Hulu. It helps the workout go by a little faster, and I can focus on the lyrics or dialogue instead of on my labored breathing or aching muscles.

Just the other day, I was watching an episode of a show called "Awkward", which is just as the title implies: about a group of friends and awkward situations they find themselves in. It's almost like a mini-soap opera.

Anyway, as I am finishing up my workout, right before the credits roll, one of the characters said something very profound:

"As much as I want to tell you not to go because it's what I want, I'm not. Instead, I'm just going to say this: don't do this for him. Don't do this for me. Do this for you. Do what's right for you. Choose yourself."

And black.

Hearing this from such a soap-operay type of show was quite strange, because it was actually very deep. And it made me think back to a time when I had to make a difficult decision to choose myself, to do what's right for me instead of what everyone was telling me to do.

I got some flak for my decision, but if those people who didn't support me then could see me now, they'd know just how wonderful of a decision it was. I'm so much happier; I'm in a better place physically, emotionally and definitely spiritually.

So here's my addition to that quote:

Don't let anybody make decisions for you. Figure out what you want for your life, pray about it and ask for discernment on where He wants you to go, and forge ahead. Sometimes it'll be terrifying (trust me on this), but God has great plans for you.

As people, we so often want to ask other people's opinions on what we should do. But you know something? They aren't the ones who have to deal with the circumstances of that decision. They aren't the ones who have to handle the repercussions if we choose something they want for us instead of us choosing what's best for ourselves.

Don't get me wrong: I definitely believe in asking for opinions or guidance. But I don't believe that we should base all of our decisions on what someone else says. Sometimes we will receive guidance leading one way, when in our hearts we know we're supposed to be heading down a completely different path.

Sometimes we may have to blaze a trail that's never been blazed before. Sometimes, we have to step out in faith in our God that He has called us to do something bigger, greater, more amazing than we could ever even consider, and that, because He has called us to it, He will help us blaze that trail.

In times of doubt and intimidation, we need to remember Jeremiah 29:11 NIV: "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"

God wants us to choose Him first and foremost, and part of that includes choosing ourselves. We have to listen to His guidance and choose for ourselves where we believe He is calling us to, not where everybody else is telling us we're supposed to be.

This can be difficult in today's society, where everybody has an opinion on everything and one miss-step can paint you in a bad light. But we have to remember that just because someone has an opinion on something doesn't necessarily mean it's true.

The only thing we can truly rely on is God's direction; He will never lead us astray. And honestly, I'd much rather be concerned with God's opinion of me and my life than anybody else's opinion.

So, I say again: choose  yourself. Listen to God, and base your personal decisions on where He is guiding you, instead of what someone else wants for you.

Choose God, then choose yourself based on His direction.

Family Matters

This past week and a half, I was on vacation with my girlfriend and her family. We had a great time; but, one conversation with her dad, that lasted until 2:30am, has stuck with me.

We discussed a variety of things from me asking for his blessing, to our relationship, to my job, to my girlfriends' job, to family. The conversation just continued to flow from one topic to the next. However, one particular topic we discussed was family, and this topic has been stuck in my mind ever since.

More specifically, how important family is.

Sometimes, I believe that we take family for granted. We know they'll always be there for us, no matter the circumstance, so we don't really think about the fact that we may be slowly burning bridges with them.

This is extremely detrimental to the family unit, because if we take our family for granted, then they feel their value and importance is diminished: they're simply there because they're family.

I know I've struggled with this in the past, and hopefully I am doing a much better job of showing my family just how important they are to me. I don't want my family to have any doubt as to how important they are to me; I truly cherish each and every one of them. Yes, even those who drive me crazy or are super strange.

My family would not be the same without them in it.

And this also includes people who have become like family to me. These range from my girlfriend's family, some of my best friends, and also to some people at my church and work. I hope they all know just how important they are to me, and that I look forward to seeing them every chance I get.

This is a struggle, though. It's easy to fall into a mindset of complacency where we begin taking people for granted, especially those who are always there. It's easy to put our jobs, our enjoyments or our own schedules above others, because it's what we want. But, I believe, the only thing that should be above family is God. Our relationship with God should come first, and our relationship with our family (and those we consider family) should come second. From there, we can branch out to other things.

It's a fine line to tread, so we must be careful.

We must check ourselves when it comes to our relationships, to make sure that we aren't over-stepping and taking someone for granted. It's easy to fall into a pattern of expectation, where, since the family member is always there for us, we expect them to be there for us, and when they aren't or can't be, we get upset with them.

That's just not right. How can we be mad or upset at someone because they didn't follow our expectations?

Because we have begun taking them for granted, and so we're 'disappointed' when they don't fall in step with what we want or desire. That's where the detriment to a relationship comes from, because then we start seeing them as 'flaky', 'inconsistent', or 'untrustworthy'. All because they didn't fit our expectations of what we think they should do for us.

All because we took them for granted, and we aren't happy when they don't fit our mold.

I suggest taking time to make our family know just how important they are to us, because we don't know how long they'll be in our lives. This could be a simple gesture of just helping around the house, or something grandiose like celebrating them spontaneously.

When we do get the opportunity to see them - because, let's be real, sometimes we don't see family as often as we'd like - we need to make a point of making them know just how excited we are to see them. Chances are good they've missed us just as much as we've missed them.

Don't let another day go by without letting those you love know how much they mean to you. Let them know that you'll be there for them whenever you can, and realize that they'll be there for you when they can. But don't hold resentment towards them when they don't fall into your expectations, because they're only human, and sometimes things come up.

We can't take family for granted. It's a treasure from God, one that we should cherish forever.

Life is fleeting; nobody will be here forever, so take the time to make those you love feel their importance. Be sure to let them know how much they are valued by you.

It doesn't matter how cheap or expensive, easy or time-consuming it is; sometimes the best gestures are the simplest. And sometimes the simplest are the most cherished.

When you have to say goodbye, make that hug or kiss count. Don't do a simple peck on the cheek or a quick squeeze. Hold on tight; don't be the first to let go. You never know when you'll get another.

Make sure your family knows, because in the end, your family - and those you consider family - are what really matter.

Intentionally Speaking

Proverbs 12:18 NIV says: "The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing."

Working with kids at my church, babysitting my niece and nephew, being an 'adopted uncle' to some boys at church, and hanging out with my girlfriends' siblings, I have learned one major thing: watch what you say.

When you are surrounded by kids, you have to make sure you word things in a way that is innocent to their ears so that they don't  begin saying something they shouldn't. But honestly, if a child shouldn't say it, neither should we.

If we get onto a kid for saying something, why do we feel it's alright for us to say it, just because we are an adult?

I have caught myself saying things along the lines of the casual: "Well, that's retarded."
Or even the jovial: "Okay, short-bus."
Or even the laughing: "You're such an idiot."

But when we hear kids say these things, our tunes change. We tell them to watch their mouths, or 'you shouldn't say that'.

Why is it okay for an adult to say those kind of things, but a child can't? After all, kids are always listening. They're learning from us what they're supposed to say and do, and this includes those casual derogatory statements we all make without even thinking about it. So, how can we get onto them when they're just copying us?

This can also be geared towards harsher words that we, as society, have deemed a cuss-word. Personally, I try not to cuss, and most of the people I know don't cuss. But, why is it that the adults who cuss don't see the problem with it, but once a child says the same word, our reaction is either: 1) "How cute!?" or 2) "Don't say that!" ?

None of that makes sense to me. I don't believe in double standards, and once you boil it down, that's all this is: a double standard. Adults can do one thing while telling kids to do another.

Proverbs 20:23 NIV talks on this very clearly: "The LORD detests double standards; He is not pleased by dishonest scales."

Interesting. The Lord detests double standards. And yet, as a society, we seem to live with them, almost willingly.

As I continue to learn more about what kids ministry entails, I have intentionally changed the way I speak. I don't want to be considered a double standard. I don't want a kid to hear me say something unintentionally derogatory, and think that's okay. I don't want anyone to hear me say something that could be deemed derogatory, and think "well, if that's how Christian's act, I don't want to be one."

If we say something is 'retarded', that's derogatory to the people who have any type of retardation, whether mentally or physically.

If we say something is 'gay', that's derogatory towards homosexuals of both genders.

If we joke about someone being 'slow' or 'riding the short-bus', that's derogatory towards those who deal with those handicaps daily.

As a society, we need to be intentional in what we say. We need to guard our tongues, and make sure that we aren't being derogatory, whether intentionally or unintentionally. We must speak words of kindness and love, instead of ones that have the potential to harm others.

As Christians, we must live and speak in a way that guides people to Christ. That's our sole purpose on Earth: to lead people to Christ and help grow His kingdom.

"But you will receive power when the Holy Spirits has come upon you, and you will be witnesses in Jerusalem and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the end of the earth.' - Acts 1:8 ESV.

It's hard to do this when we're living a double standard by saying one thing, then getting onto kids for doing the same thing.

So, why don't we start leading by example by guarding our tongues, speaking intentionally, and raising a generation who doesn't throw derogatory terms out like moon pies at a Mardi Gras parade?

Proactive Living Can Produce Miracles

When we go through hardships or trials, we ask for people to pray in support of us. We ask for people to pray for strength, courage, endurance, patience, whatever we need in order to survive the hardship or trial we are facing.

And that's all well and good.

But, what happens when we ask for prayer, but don't follow up on praying ourselves?

Recently, a lot of changes have been thrown at my life, from whether or not I'm supposed to leave my current career to pursue a new career and passion I feel God is giving me, to whether or not I'm supposed to move out on my own, to when is the right time to move my relationship forward, to daily things I struggle with, to minor things that a simple prayer could easily remedy.

There is a constant stream of needs in my life that require prayer. When one thing resolves itself, it seems another pops up. When that one gets fixed, something else decides to rear its ugly head. It's an endless cycle, and in today's society, it's almost too easy to simply pass the issue to someone else and try to make it their problem.

With the past weekend's tragedies in Orlando from Christina Grimmie being shot after her concert, to the mass murder at the gay nightclub, to the unfortunate and untimely death of a 2-year-old from an alligator attack, social media is buzzing with posts about praying for these people and their families. Prayer for encouragement, peace and strength to get through such a tragic loss.

But when does it become just another thing we say, but don't actively do? Facebook is currently flooding with posts about asking for prayer; but, how often do we share those posts but never actually commit to praying for the families who have to deal with the tragedy? How often do we post something just for the attention it will give us, instead of for true purposes where someone truly needs it? How often have we talked about the tragedies that have happened and complained about the state our world is in, but never actually done anything to fix it?

How often do we talk about the issues, but don't actually pray for them?

On a lighter note, how often do we ask for prayer for ourselves, but then realize that we aren't even really praying for that area in our lives? How often do we talk about what we are dealing with, questioning in our lives, or feel like we're being called to, but don't actually pray about it? How often do we graciously accept others prayers, but don't actively pray ourselves?

How often do we tell someone we will pray for them, then forget? How often does life get so crazy, we forget that we promised to keep someone in our prayers? Personally, it happens more than I'd like to admit. I'll tell someone I'll pray for them, do it once, then completely forget to continue praying for them, because something else has come up.

That is a major issue.

We must realize that we are not here to share a tragic news story in order to get a ton of 'likes' on Facebook. We aren't supposed to post that we're praying for someone, just to show others how holy and righteous we are. We shouldn't ask for prayer for something we aren't willing to actively pray for ourselves. We shouldn't pray for someone once, then consider it a done deal.

With everything that I'm currently dealing with, it's easy to ask for prayer and then turn a blind-eye and think "well, they've got it covered." But that's not right. I have to catch myself when I have these kind of thoughts, because I don't want to become complacent. I don't want to count on other people's prayers to help resolve things I'm dealing with, because for all I know, it was just their way of showing that they're a righteous person, but tomorrow they'll completely forget about my problems. Them praying for me to receive peace, discernment and encouragement is great, but wouldn't it also be even better if I prayed for peace, discernment and encouragement in my situations, as well?

Prayer is the only way to have true peace, because the peace we receive is from Christ: "Peace I leave with you; My peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." - John 14:26 NIV.

God desires a relationship with all of His children, myself included. By allowing someone else to pray for me while I'm not praying for myself, I am neglecting that relationship. It's something we, as Christians, must be proactive about. We must be proactive about our relationship with Christ, and part of this is prayer. The Bible is very clear on this: "Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done." - Philippians 4:6.

We are called to pray about everything, whether for ourselves or for others. We must be proactive.

Instead of focusing on the tragedies of this world and how we can use it for our own gain, we should focus that attention instead on prayer. Instead of just talking nonstop about something we desire, want, feel, or need, we should focus all that energy into prayer. Instead of asking for prayer, then turning away once we know someone else is praying, we should join with them in prayer.

The Bible specifically tells us that when we collectively pray for something, it will be done if we have faith:

"Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven." - Matthew 18:19 NIV.

"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." - Mark 11:24 NIV.

How amazing would it be if our world became one that didn't obsess with having the most Instagram followers, the most Facebook likes, or the most Twitter re-tweets, but rather, collectively joined together in prayer for one another during major tragedies like those in Orlando this past weekend or for decisions that must be made in individual lives?

How astounding would our world be if we were proactive about our relationships with Christ, giving it all to Him, and actually praying for one another without the confines of what good it will do us?

If we join together as a society in prayer instead of focusing on how many likes, tweets or followers we can get for a news article, miraculous things can happen.

Detours and Derailments

Sometimes our lives take a derailment that we weren't expecting, and it can completely throw us off course. This can be absolutely terrifying, especially if you're like me and have your future planned out. If you've worked hard for something, just to believe that you're being called to something else. If you want to follow His guidance, but are scared of the steps.

Let me back up.

Sometime around April, I began feeling like I was supposed to have a bigger part in kids ministry. Not believing that this meant I was supposed to give up my job at the TV station, I stepped up and volunteered more until where I am now: a central part of the kids ministry, where the directors know that whenever they need someone to help out, I'll be there.

Currently, I do media at 8am on Sundays for kids; teach 4th grade boys at 9:30am on Sundays; substitute for 11:15am teachers as needed; recruit people to volunteer with kids ministry; help lead worship on Wednesday nights; teach 5th grade boys on Wednesday nights; and, have gone to one camp, and have another two in the near future.

But, despite all of that, I still felt like I wasn't doing enough. The more I volunteered, the more I thought that next step would be fulfilling, and I would finally be satisfied, but I was wrong. It was just another thing to do - which, I'm not complaining, because I love volunteering - but with that on top of my full-time job, trying to lead a small group, have a social life, act as an 'adoptive uncle' to some kids from the church, and still get plenty of God-time and sleep in, I was slowly becoming mentally exhausted.

Part of me felt like I was supposed to do something drastic. Part of me felt like I was supposed to quit my job at the TV station and work full-time in kids ministry. But, surely that wasn't really the case. I had worked so hard to get where I am now in my career, that surely God wouldn't be calling me to give it all up. It didn't make any sense. I'd have to find another way to cope with all my responsibilities.

This past Sunday, my pastor started a series about the life of Joseph, and at one point, he covered Proverbs 3: 5-6: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths." Then the pastor continued and said: "God is always preparing you for what He has prepared for you."

At the time, it didn't really hit me. Honestly, when I heard this, I thought back to a conversation my girlfriend and I had had a day or two before concerning her job. She wasn't sure if she was supposed to be looking elsewhere or if she was supposed to stay. She was confused and unclear as to where her future was headed. To me, it made perfect sense that this passage of Scripture would speak to her.

Silly me.

It turns out, she was thinking about me during that sermon, and thought that it made perfect sense that the sermon would speak to me.

As I said, I didn't put much thought into it. Then, though small groups are 'on hiatus' until Fall, my group had decided they wanted to continue meeting during the summer, but to watch sermons on RightNow Media and discuss them. After searching the site, we finally settled on one called "Discovering God's Will" by Andy Stanley.

The sermon was going great - it was very impactful and insightful. I felt myself learning more about how to discern what God wanted for me, and my thoughts kept returning to kids ministry. Oddly enough, they never once went to my current job. They were constantly focused on kids ministry and how I could further that.

Then, he mentioned Proverbs 3: 5-6, and I lost concentration.

My heart started to pound; my hands grew clammy; I felt like I couldn't breathe; my stomach was tightening until I felt like I was going to be sick; I felt like someone had reached into my chest, grabbed my heart and began to twist; a headache was beginning to form behind my eyes. I was tempted to stand up and walk out, just to get away from it.

After all of that, I knew what God was telling me: "Stop making excuses. You aren't satisfied, because you aren't listening to what I'm telling you. I don't want you to just volunteer; I have big plans for you in kids ministry, so start paying attention!"

Let me just say, this thought absolutely terrified me. It was thrilling and exhilarating, because I would absolutely love to work with these kids as a full-time job. But it's also terrifying to feel like you've worked so hard to get somewhere in life, just to realize that God is directing you somewhere else.

I had worked so hard to finish college with a degree in broadcast; I had started off at the bottom of the totem-pole as a part-time programmer to where I am currently the Director of Programming, a graphic designer, and a digital sales coordinator. And now, to believe God is calling me to a completely different direction? Terrifying.

How is this possible? Why would He do this to me? Why would He lead me down one path, just to completely alter it to another?

I have absolutely no answers. It didn't, and still doesn't, make any sense. I'm completely lost.

On Monday when I woke up, I decided that I knew what God was telling me, and there was no point in continuing to deny what He's told me: I reached out to the kids director at my church and asked if there were any positions available at the church.

With two words, my life went into a tailspin: "Unfortunately, no."

What? What are you talking about? Why would God tell me something, then completely close that door? Again, it didn't make any sense. I was lost in a tornado of confusion. Not know what else to say, I asked that if any openings arise, they keep me in mind, and his response was "Absolutely". At least that was something.

Then I did my morning devotion and you can probably guess what it was on. If you guessed Proverbs 3: 5-6, you're correct.

Now, I don't believe in coincidence. I don't believe there are accidents. Everything happens for a reason. God allows, or denies, everything that happens for some purpose, whether we realize it or not. And this was no different.

My confusion got swept away. He reminded me that I don't have to understand what's going on. I don't have to understand why He's put this desire in my heart if the opportunity isn't there. Maybe I was only supposed to start this process by allowing my church to know I was interested, and I'm not supposed to rush into it. Maybe He's got something great prepared for me further along.

I. Don't. Know.

I don't understand what God is doing in my life, but He's been consistently reminding me that I don't need to know what He's doing. He's got a great plan for me, and He's going to make my path straight. All I have to do is follow His lead, and I will safely make it through this tornado of confusion.

I still have doubts and questions about it. It's hard to fathom that God would decide to alter my life so drastically, but I know He had a reason for bringing me to the TV station, and that He now has one for potentially taking me away. As Proverbs says, I'm not leaning on my own understanding, because I don't understand it at all.

And God knows this. He knows I'm confused. He's been sending me gentle reminders to show me that He's still got this. In my moments of doubt, I receive confirmation that He's handling this.

For example (and I'm mainly putting these here to remind myself when I have doubts):

1. When I was doing my quiet time at work during my lunch break on Monday, I was reading the footnotes of Joshua and came across: "Like He did at the Red Sea, Yahweh brought His people through a crossing that they could not undertake in their own strength. Every big act for God begins with a small step of faith." -- I took a small step of faith. Now it's God's turn to do a big act with my small step.

2. When I got home from work on Monday, I had a letter from the church (which I have never received mail from the church - normally I just get an email - so this was super weird) for an invitation to a special event for certain leaders who have had a big impact at the church to discuss the "church's expanding vision". -- Could this be an answer? Could they be expanding and this is what God is getting me prepared for? I don't know, and until I attend the meeting in August, I won't, so I've decided not to read too much into it.

3. My girlfriend saw a picture and felt compelled to share it with me. It said: "Further, since it is God who calls us, we can expect to have a burden for whatever it is He wants us to do. For the Apostle Paul, for example, it was preaching the gospel to those who are not Jews. Another way we can identify our calling is to become aware of the burden God has placed on our hearts." -- Well, I can definitely tell you what the burden I feel for my life is.

4. I've spoken to a handful of my family and a few of my closest friends concerning this and their reactions have all been the same: "You would do incredible at that!"; "Your passion for those kids is so evident!"; "I've been wondering when you were going to make that decision!"

5. I was having doubts about my ability to be full-time in kids ministry, and randomly (yeah, right) came across a picture that said: "Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the Ark... professionals built the Titanic."

So, though I don't know where my life is going to lead me, though I don't know when He's going to open doors for me to take another step of faith, I'm trusting in Him that He will take my hand and guide me to the correct doors.

It's terrifying and exhilarating, frightening and exciting, all these crazy emotions at once. But, again, I don't have to lean on my own understanding (hallelujah, because I don't understand any of it), and I can rest assured that God will provide the way if this is truly His will for me.