Work in Progress

"If you have to do something in secret, you probably shouldn't be doing it at all." That's something my grandma used to say all the time. This didn't pertain to surprises or anything, but more so to things that we knew we shouldn't be doing to begin with.

This was a hard lesson for me. If you know anything about me, you know my love for music, books and movies. Without going into too many details because it would take way too long, I had begun downloading these media-types to fulfill my love for them. I was doing it secretly because I wasn't proud of it, but figured since nobody knew about it, I was okay.

Let me just say this: even when nobody else knows, God always knows. And He will convict you of whatever wrong you're doing. "Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of Him to whom we must give account." - Hebrews 4:13.

It would be easy to pass the blame and say it's all my ex's fault, and true, she does hold some blame in it, but she's not the only one. I'm to blame for my decisions, too. Though she was my enabler, I was the one who decided to do these particular things.

But about 2 years ago, I had decided to completely stop with the movies. I deleted all the ones I had downloaded, destroyed all the ones I had burned, deleted the links to those websites and erased my history so I couldn't be tempted again. She couldn't understand, because she enjoyed the perks of my 'habit'. God had convicted me for it for a long time, but I chose to listen to her over listening to His voice. However, I had decided enough was enough.

I formed an Amazon wishlist with all the movies I wanted to own, and slowly I have accumulated a majority of them legally. I no longer even have the desire to download them.

About this time last year, I had also decided that I would no longer download books. I was scared of how this would impact us financially, because we both loved reading and I knew we couldn't afford to buy all the books we wanted. I told her that we would do a spending cap of $25 a month that we could spend on books, and the others we would get from the library.

Before long, I learned that since I wasn't downloading them anymore, she had begun to get her father to get them for her. I respected her father and Satan used that to tell me a lie that her father was a Christian, but he still downloaded books, so it's not that bad. I believed it for a short while, and began downloading them again.

Then I got a divorce, and moved back in with my parents. The day I moved in with my parents, I decided I would no longer download books. I had so many on my kindle that I hadn't even read yet, but I was constantly downloading more. How did that make any sense?

So, now, I had kicked two of those 'habits', but I was still pirating music. I LOVE music. I listen to it all the time: when I'm getting ready in the morning, on my way to work, when I'm at work, on my way home, at the gym, everywhere.

I had convinced myself that it couldn't be that bad. I mean, Youtube was free, after all, and I could listen to the music whenever I wanted to that way, so what's the difference in having it on my iPod instead of loading Youtube every time? Because it's illegal. And ungodly, that's what.

I struggled with this for a long time, and was scared to even mention it to anyone. I thought it was something I could handle on my own; I'm a strong, independent man, who can do things his way, on his own terms, in his own time.

That's funny. Because, if anything, these thoughts and my desire to listen to myself instead of God showed an incredible weakness within myself. I wasn't nearly as strong as I thought I was. If anything, I was just a coward. I mean, I was scared to even mention it to my girlfriend, because I knew that she wouldn't tolerate it, and I didn't want to risk losing her.

But, somehow, I knew I could tell her my struggles with this certain type of 'addiction'. And you know what? Instead of judging me, she prayed for me. Instead of telling me that she could do better (which, believe me, she could), she has stood by me through this, and is helping me get over these habits.

Thanks to the grace of my God, and the accountability that my loving girlfriend provides, I have stopped all of these habits. I have removed all the software and websites I used for these acts from my computer. Instead of downloading any of them illegally, I'm coming up with plans on how I can access them legally. I'm in the process of creating another Amazon wishlist with all the books I want. I've decided that I'll purchase one CD, one book and one movie each month to replace the ones I had gotten rid of because of what I had been doing illegally. If anything, this will also help me be more selective in my choices, instead of thinking that I have a right to all of these things and therefore, I didn't need to be picky.

And I couldn't be happier. I'm sleeping better now. Though I don't envy the idea of spending money, I do look forward to the idea of buying what I want, instead of just taking it. And I'm thankful that I was able to stop this habit and begin to make corrections before it took control of my life and led me down a path that I definitely didn't want to take.

Am I perfect? Definitely not. Do I still have the temptation to do these things? Oh, yes. But I also have God on my side. I have a beautiful, loving girlfriend who is praying for me through my struggle and helping me handle it in a God-honoring way.

I'm a work in progress, but I'm progressively making steps forward.