Secrets Don't Make Friends

There's a saying that I heard a lot in college: "Secrets don't make friends." And the rebuttal was almost always "Yeah, but friends make secrets."

I've come to realize that I absolutely hate secrets. I used to laugh and joke around with my friends with that saying - if I were whispering to someone and they commented that secrets don't make friends, I was more than willing to reply that friends make secrets. Or vice versa.

But I've learned that secrets, even the meaningless ones, can be harmful.

This realization mainly came about during my divorce. I learned that my ex had kept a ton of secrets from me. Some were meaningless at the time, but had eventually evolved into something crucial. Others were critical from the start, and simply developed into being detrimental.

From the point I learned all of those secrets to now, I have decided that secrets are one of the biggest hurts in this world. They are the cause of so many things that could be avoided.

Because of this realization, I have determined that I would be an open-book because I don't want to harm anyone. If someone has a question about me or something I'm doing, and they ask, I will happily answer their question in the most honest way I can.

Does this mean I go around telling everyone everything about me? No. But, it does mean that if someone asks me something, I'm not going to tell them a lie or that it's a secret (unless it's not my secret to share).

Since I've made this determination, I honestly feel more free. I don't feel like I'm hiding anything about myself. I feel more open. I feel more honest.

Now, if someone confides in me something, I don't spread that information. That is not what I'm getting at. If it's not my secret to tell, I am more than happy to keep it a secret. But if it's my personal information, and someone asks, I have no issue telling them, because it doesn't really matter in the long run. I'd rather get the truth out in the open, even if it's painful or awkward or embarrassing, than harbor something within me that could eventually turn into something debilitating.

I've gone through enough hurt because of secrets that I make it a point to let my friends know that I don't like them, so they know that they can ask me anything. My life is an open book, and I hope everyone knows that.

But I also try to make it a point to let them know that anything they confide to me is safe. I try my best not to talk about other people and their issues, and I feel like it's helped me grow some closer friendships because they know they can trust me.

All of this being said, I personally do not believe secrets are a good thing. They're just a form of hiding, and I'm so tired of hiding. I'm tired of being ashamed of something I've done, thought or felt. By deciding that my life was open to anyone who took the time to ask, I have made myself more conscious about my actions, thoughts or feelings.

By being conscious of my actions, thoughts or feelings, I am more aware of what I'm doing, I make sure my thoughts are accurate, and I validate to myself that my feelings are true before I respond. It gives me accountability and teaches me to be more honest with everything in my life, so that I have no reason to be ashamed of anything.

Now, when I do something, I try to think if God would approve. If I don't think He would, I do my best to alter my actions to something that He would. The Bible says to capture everything thought (2 Corinthians 10:5) and make sure it's pure and holy, because whatever we think eventually will come out. So I do my best to do this as well.

And lastly, when it comes to feelings, I always make sure I am 100% sure of them because they are the most easily swayed part of me. If I tell someone I love them, I have analyzed my feelings to make sure they are true because I don't want to hurt that person. That is just one example, but I feel like it's the best I can give. It shows the person that no matter what, I know exactly where I stand when it comes to my relationships.

As I've said many times, I don't like secrets. They are harmful, debilitating and detrimental to people's lives. I see no true value in harboring secrets. I've learned that if someone is harboring a minor secret, chances are good they're harboring a larger one as well. And I don't want to be considered someone like that, nor do I want to be associated with people like that, because it's very possible they're also hiding something from me.

So, let's open ourselves up to potential fear, embarrassment, and awkwardness and get things out in the open.

Because, I can assure you, you'll finally feel free.