Let It All Go

These past few weeks have been a roller coaster of emotion for me. I had thought I was trusting in God with everything concerning my future, but it appears that I have been secretly holding a minor part back, scared to let it fully go.

And isn't that normal? We want to think we don't need help. We don't want to admit insecurity, fear or doubt. But those are human feelings and emotions that everybody feels. So, why is such a bad thing to admit that we deal with those?

My human nature wants to handle everything myself, saying I don't need God's help. But that's a complete lie - a lie from the enemy, who wants me to focus more on myself and what I can do for my circumstances, instead of realizing that I can't do anything without God's help.

I've had to come to terms with the fact that I'm not fully trusting God. It was a hard fact. I was in a place where I let Him handle it until I got scared or nervous or confused, then I'd yank it back and try to fix it myself.

Proverbs 3:5-6 NIV has been a major instrument in this. Every time I yanked my life and future back and tried to handle it myself, this verse popped up: "Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight."

It got to the point where, when this verse popped up during the sermon yesterday at church, I muttered "I'm so sick of this verse" just loud enough for my girlfriend and my mom to hear me. My mom leaned over and circled "Trust in the LORD", and said: "Maybe if you'd start doing this, you wouldn't need this reminder so often."

Way to effectively slap me in the face, Mom.

But she's completely right. I hadn't realized it at the time, but now I know: I wasn't trusting the Lord. At least not fully. I was trusting Him, but with a contingency that, if I didn't like how it was being handled, I'd take it back.

Let me just say: God doesn't work on contingencies. It's either His way or our way; there is no in-between. And if we do it our way, it never works out how it should.

God knows exactly what He's doing, and I have to learn to trust Him, even if I don't fully understand what He's doing.

It could take days. It could take weeks. God forbid, it could even take years.

In the Bible, Joseph was a slave for years, then thrown into prison for multiple more years, and yet God still used him for His purposes. While Joseph was confused, full of doubt and insecurities - and most likely wondering what God was doing - he fully trusted that God was preparing him and was going to provide a way for him to be used. And, boy, did He.

How could Joseph, a slave and prisoner, trust in God fully, while I'm struggling with it? I'm not a slave. I'm not a prisoner. I don't have to deal with the kinds of struggles that Joseph went through, and yet he exemplified what it means to have a total dependence on God.

If there's ever a role model for you, it'd be Joseph.

God's timing is perfect. As my pastor likes to say: "God is a crockpot God; He works in our lives slowly. We can't microwave our life when He's slowly cooking our futures."

If I tried to rush into something now, I wouldn't be fully prepared. And that's another hard truth that I've had to realize: I would not be prepared on my own. God will take His time in order to prepare me mentally, physically, spiritually, intellectually, and emotionally. God will open doors when He knows I'm prepared for that next step.

The future is a scary place, because it's full of the unknown. I hate uncertainty. I don't mind spontaneity, but I at least like to know some kind of plan, no matter how rough of a sketch, just so I know a bit what I can expect.

I think that's why this is so difficult for me. Because, right now, I'm in the dark. I have no idea what's going to happen. I don't know where He is going to lead me. I don't understand why He is leading me down this path when there seems to be no end in sight. I'm scared of where He might potentially be calling me. I'm worried about the sacrifices I'll have to make in order to follow Him and His will for my life.

This is a daily struggle that I have to remind myself of, simply because my human nature wants to take control. But then I remember the song "Thy Will" by Hillary Scott and the Scott Family: "I'm so confused. I know I heard You loud and clear, so I followed through. Somehow I ended up here... Sometimes I've gotta stop, remember that You're God, and I am not, so Thy will be done. Thy will be done. Thy will be done... I know You see me. I know You hear me, Lord. Your plans are for me, goodness You have in store...."

Or, "Brave" by Moriah Peters: "No one ever told me this would be easy, but I never knew that it could be this hard. Oh, the worry, the worry, the worry is weighing on me. Could you help me break down all these question marks and make me brave! I'll fight like a soldier. Brave! Rise like a warrior. Brave! Won't stop 'til the final day. Brave! I want to be stronger. Brave! Gonna be bolder. Brave! Look up and I see the way You make me brave!"

Or even, "More Than You Think I Am" by Danny Gokey: "I'm more than you dreamed, more than you understand. Your days and your times were destined for our dance... Be still and trust My plan. I'm more than you think I am, more than you think I am."

When I deal with these insecurities, fears, doubts and confusion, I have to remind myself that He is in control, He has great plans for me, and anything He has prepared for me is better than I could ever have planned for myself.

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" - Jeremiah 29:11 NIV.

So, I just have to trust in Him and let it all go; He's going to work it out. That's so much easier said than done, but it's definitely worth doing.

Mama's Boy

I want to take a few minutes and talk about someone who is very near and dear to me: my mother.

Recently, my mom was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease, and she's having a very hard time coping with it. I try to remind her of how strong she is and that God is guiding her path, even through this difficult time.

It's difficult to watch someone go through such a struggle. But, it's also difficult to believe someone who tells you how strong you are when you're going through a struggle and you don't feel like you're handling it very well.

Let me back up a little and give some background on my mother:

Before I was born, my parents were foster parents. They took in children who didn't have a forever-home, and loved them until they found one. Eventually, they adopted two of these children: my brothers, Jason and Michael.

Little did they know the struggles that would come from this. The younger of the two boys had a variety of issues: at just a few weeks old, he was addicted to crack; he is bipolar; he had asthma; he has the reading mentality of a 4th grader; he has the social skills of a middle-schooler; he has anger issues.

Watching my mom handle my brother when he gets into one of his moods is so inspiring. She's so incredibly strong, even when she breaks down. Of course she has days where she wants to call it quits, and she cries and asks "Why me?", but for the past 26 years, she has loved and cherished my brother, despite all of those issues he has/had.

He can flip from the nicest guy you've met to the meanest in the drop of a hat, and my mom handles it like a champ. She knows how to react towards him to make his mood mellow out. She knows how to calm him down when he gets frustrated or annoyed. She knows how to appease him when he's freaking out about something as trivial as the gender of his chickens. Because, to him, those are major issues - even though, to us, they're trivial and don't really matter, I have to constantly remind myself of his mental state. He's 26 years old, but doesn't always act like it.

And, sure, my mom has to remind herself of this as well sometimes, but generally, she handles him so much better than I do.

Then, when I was 2 years old, my mom got in a bad car wreck. She was thrown threw the window, and, long story short, she walked with a cane for the better part of 15 years. At one point, it had gotten so bad that my parents had to invest in an electronic wheelchair to make sure she was able to get around the house.

So, on top of trying to cope with the adoption of a crack-addicted, bipolar, mentally-disabled 3-year-old, my mother now had to teach herself how to walk again. I don't remember much of it because I was so young, but I do remember seeing her favorite cane leaning next to the door, next to the pew at church, or next to her chair.

But just knowing that she persevered and got to a point where she didn't need that cane or the electronic wheelchair anymore is so inspiring. When it all seemed hopeless, she pushed through and found a strength within herself. When others would have given up on themselves, she never did.

And now, she's dealing with Parkinson's. I think this one is hitting her the hardest of everything else: she easily gets dizzy; she has trouble texting or writing because her hands shake; she has to walk with her cane again; she can't drive more than 5 miles away from the house; she forgets words; for a while, she was scared to babysit my niece and nephew.

It was a culmination of a great many things that came crashing down in one big, massive tidal wave, spinning her world out of control, and making her wonder how she would ever get through it.

But I just have to say: I know my mother. I've watched her my entire life. She is one of the strongest women -- if not the strongest woman -- I have ever met. She barely ever complains, and when she does, it's because she's finally had enough. She handles problems and issues with grace and faith. Through everything she's gone, she has relied on God to help her. Her faith has been unwavering, despite it all.

She may not see it now, but I know... I just know that she will survive this. She will come out on top, like she always has. She will find a way to handle this with grace and elegance and love. Instead of letting Parkinson's use her, she will use it.

She used to write for a magazine about being a foster and adoptive parent to a bipolar child. Instead of focusing on how bad she had it, she used her experience to help others. I would not be surprised if she found a way to use her experiences with Parkinson's to aid others who can't or won't handle it nearly as well as I know she will.

Does she have days where she feels pity for herself? Sure, who doesn't? But, do the days that she's more concerned with helping others and being strong outweigh those? You better believe it.

My mom is my hero. She always has been. And, even though she's struggling now, she's going to triumph in the end.

When TV Gets Too Real

When I'm at the gym, I tend to either listen to Pandora or watch Hulu, depending on what I'm doing. If I'm lifting weights, it's Pandora; if I'm doing cardio, I watch Hulu. It helps the workout go by a little faster, and I can focus on the lyrics or dialogue instead of on my labored breathing or aching muscles.

Just the other day, I was watching an episode of a show called "Awkward", which is just as the title implies: about a group of friends and awkward situations they find themselves in. It's almost like a mini-soap opera.

Anyway, as I am finishing up my workout, right before the credits roll, one of the characters said something very profound:

"As much as I want to tell you not to go because it's what I want, I'm not. Instead, I'm just going to say this: don't do this for him. Don't do this for me. Do this for you. Do what's right for you. Choose yourself."

And black.

Hearing this from such a soap-operay type of show was quite strange, because it was actually very deep. And it made me think back to a time when I had to make a difficult decision to choose myself, to do what's right for me instead of what everyone was telling me to do.

I got some flak for my decision, but if those people who didn't support me then could see me now, they'd know just how wonderful of a decision it was. I'm so much happier; I'm in a better place physically, emotionally and definitely spiritually.

So here's my addition to that quote:

Don't let anybody make decisions for you. Figure out what you want for your life, pray about it and ask for discernment on where He wants you to go, and forge ahead. Sometimes it'll be terrifying (trust me on this), but God has great plans for you.

As people, we so often want to ask other people's opinions on what we should do. But you know something? They aren't the ones who have to deal with the circumstances of that decision. They aren't the ones who have to handle the repercussions if we choose something they want for us instead of us choosing what's best for ourselves.

Don't get me wrong: I definitely believe in asking for opinions or guidance. But I don't believe that we should base all of our decisions on what someone else says. Sometimes we will receive guidance leading one way, when in our hearts we know we're supposed to be heading down a completely different path.

Sometimes we may have to blaze a trail that's never been blazed before. Sometimes, we have to step out in faith in our God that He has called us to do something bigger, greater, more amazing than we could ever even consider, and that, because He has called us to it, He will help us blaze that trail.

In times of doubt and intimidation, we need to remember Jeremiah 29:11 NIV: "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"

God wants us to choose Him first and foremost, and part of that includes choosing ourselves. We have to listen to His guidance and choose for ourselves where we believe He is calling us to, not where everybody else is telling us we're supposed to be.

This can be difficult in today's society, where everybody has an opinion on everything and one miss-step can paint you in a bad light. But we have to remember that just because someone has an opinion on something doesn't necessarily mean it's true.

The only thing we can truly rely on is God's direction; He will never lead us astray. And honestly, I'd much rather be concerned with God's opinion of me and my life than anybody else's opinion.

So, I say again: choose  yourself. Listen to God, and base your personal decisions on where He is guiding you, instead of what someone else wants for you.

Choose God, then choose yourself based on His direction.

Family Matters

This past week and a half, I was on vacation with my girlfriend and her family. We had a great time; but, one conversation with her dad, that lasted until 2:30am, has stuck with me.

We discussed a variety of things from me asking for his blessing, to our relationship, to my job, to my girlfriends' job, to family. The conversation just continued to flow from one topic to the next. However, one particular topic we discussed was family, and this topic has been stuck in my mind ever since.

More specifically, how important family is.

Sometimes, I believe that we take family for granted. We know they'll always be there for us, no matter the circumstance, so we don't really think about the fact that we may be slowly burning bridges with them.

This is extremely detrimental to the family unit, because if we take our family for granted, then they feel their value and importance is diminished: they're simply there because they're family.

I know I've struggled with this in the past, and hopefully I am doing a much better job of showing my family just how important they are to me. I don't want my family to have any doubt as to how important they are to me; I truly cherish each and every one of them. Yes, even those who drive me crazy or are super strange.

My family would not be the same without them in it.

And this also includes people who have become like family to me. These range from my girlfriend's family, some of my best friends, and also to some people at my church and work. I hope they all know just how important they are to me, and that I look forward to seeing them every chance I get.

This is a struggle, though. It's easy to fall into a mindset of complacency where we begin taking people for granted, especially those who are always there. It's easy to put our jobs, our enjoyments or our own schedules above others, because it's what we want. But, I believe, the only thing that should be above family is God. Our relationship with God should come first, and our relationship with our family (and those we consider family) should come second. From there, we can branch out to other things.

It's a fine line to tread, so we must be careful.

We must check ourselves when it comes to our relationships, to make sure that we aren't over-stepping and taking someone for granted. It's easy to fall into a pattern of expectation, where, since the family member is always there for us, we expect them to be there for us, and when they aren't or can't be, we get upset with them.

That's just not right. How can we be mad or upset at someone because they didn't follow our expectations?

Because we have begun taking them for granted, and so we're 'disappointed' when they don't fall in step with what we want or desire. That's where the detriment to a relationship comes from, because then we start seeing them as 'flaky', 'inconsistent', or 'untrustworthy'. All because they didn't fit our expectations of what we think they should do for us.

All because we took them for granted, and we aren't happy when they don't fit our mold.

I suggest taking time to make our family know just how important they are to us, because we don't know how long they'll be in our lives. This could be a simple gesture of just helping around the house, or something grandiose like celebrating them spontaneously.

When we do get the opportunity to see them - because, let's be real, sometimes we don't see family as often as we'd like - we need to make a point of making them know just how excited we are to see them. Chances are good they've missed us just as much as we've missed them.

Don't let another day go by without letting those you love know how much they mean to you. Let them know that you'll be there for them whenever you can, and realize that they'll be there for you when they can. But don't hold resentment towards them when they don't fall into your expectations, because they're only human, and sometimes things come up.

We can't take family for granted. It's a treasure from God, one that we should cherish forever.

Life is fleeting; nobody will be here forever, so take the time to make those you love feel their importance. Be sure to let them know how much they are valued by you.

It doesn't matter how cheap or expensive, easy or time-consuming it is; sometimes the best gestures are the simplest. And sometimes the simplest are the most cherished.

When you have to say goodbye, make that hug or kiss count. Don't do a simple peck on the cheek or a quick squeeze. Hold on tight; don't be the first to let go. You never know when you'll get another.

Make sure your family knows, because in the end, your family - and those you consider family - are what really matter.