Jealousy Is a Nasty Bug

In my last blog post, I spoke about being thrown into the furnace, and how it would change me into a better person. I knew that my decision to go to India would change me for the better, and that God would test me by putting me in a fire so that He could remove the impurities from me, but I wasn't aware that it would happen almost immediately after posting about it.

Honestly, I think I believed that I wouldn't be tested until I actually arrived in India. Naive, huh?

I had my first test this past week.

I've never been a jealous person. Yes, I may look at something and wish I had it, but I have never been one to let it consume me to the point of jealousy.

Jealousy is a nasty bug. It can consume you until it's all you think about. It can debilitate you until all you can do is focus on somebody else's accomplishments, which hinders your own,

Recently, I had to deal with this in multiple facets.

With India, I'm trying to raise money in order to go serve. Sadly, to me it didn't seem like many people were willing to support financially. Prayerfully, yes. Financially, not so much. I was so worked up on how much money I needed to raise, and how little I had raised thus far that it was becoming all-consuming.

Which is ridiculous, especially since the trip isn't for another 6 months. I had only begun trying to raise money 2 weeks ago, and I was more focused on the fact that in 14 days I hadn't raised much, when I still had another 5-6 months to go. It was consuming me, to the point where I was sharing the post about t-shirt sales almost daily, but with different 'information' so that it would appear as if I had a reason to share it.

Eventually, my girlfriend confronted me and told me that though I had said I had given it up to God and was going to allow Him to provide the money, I wasn't behaving as if I had. I was still trying to control the situation, when I have absolutely no control over anybody else's bank account.

It got to the point where one of my friends announced she was going to Tanzania for 2 weeks this summer, and though I was genuinely proud and happy for her, I was jealous of the amount of support she was receiving. And you want to know what I was most jealous of? How many 'likes' she got on her Facebook announcement. In under an hour, she had received 98 'likes', whereas with all of my combined posts, I had barely received 40.

How ridiculous is that? I was jealous about people liking her status over mine. She didn't ask them for monetary support; she was announcing her trip, telling how excited she was, and asking for prayer. That was it! And I was jealous over that.

Sounds a bit petty, if you ask me.

As B.C. Forbes said, "Jealousy... is a mental cancer." It's true. It was killing me. I was so jealous about a few 'likes' on Facebook that I had lost the entire reason I was trying to raise money.

Deciding to realign myself with my purpose for this trip, I prayed and prayed again, asking God to take it over. And just like that, I was at peace about it. I haven't been focused on selling t-shirts to raise money. Yes, I still talk about it to people at work or church, but I don't try and find any reason necessary in order to post about it again.

And you know something? By giving it fully back to God, He has taken it and run with it. In one day, I went from only having sold 4 shirts to now having sold 23 shirts. Plus I have received 3 different monetary donations from others.

My jealousy in this circumstance has faded away, and I'm just letting God handle it. And handle it, He has.

But then, I was bombarded with another form of jealousy. Similar, but different. It was jealousy for someone else's accomplishments.

One of my friends shared a vine that a 'famous' Facebook-er had created. I watched it, and thought it was funny. Then I read the comments, and realized that this vine-r was also on "The Amazing Race". Then, reading more of his information, I saw where he had been approached by Disney to have a TV-show based around his vines.

For background, his vines include him lip-syncing and acting out Disney songs, whether from Disney Channel or classic Disney.

I don't know what the show would be about, but alas, he had been approached.

Seeing all of his success, I was overcome with jealousy again.

He is considered 'vine-famous', which is apparently a thing, for doing 20 second funny videos that people can relate to. The more vine-videos he did, the more people followed his Facebook, the more 'famous' he got. Hundreds of thousands of people comment on his videos, telling him how they love him, would love to get to know him, think he's hilarious, etc.

A small amount of jealousy began to take hold in me for this. I wasn't 'popular' in school, so the desire to be well-liked was always inside of me. I wanted to be considered 'famous', where people wanted to get to know me, or thought I was funny, or whatever. That's one of the reasons I wanted to be an actor growing up. I wanted to be someone who people looked up to, admired, and wished they could know.

How shallow is that?

But that was only a minor part of my jealousy. Growing up, I watched "The Amazing Race" and fantasized about going on it. I mean, seriously, you get to travel all over the world, try things that most people never get to, and possibly win a ton of money. Who wouldn't want to be on that show?

My sister and I had talked about going on it when we got older, but it never happened. Our lives took turns that were great, but that also derailed our plans of possibly auditioning for the show. Thinking about how he had this opportunity to do something I had often dreamed about heightened my jealousy to another level.

Then, to see that he was in talks to have his own Disney show? As I previously mentioned, I wanted to be an actor. Talk about major jealousy filling me.

I was soon overwhelmed with jealousy towards this guy I didn't even know, simply because of his success. Instead, I should've been proud of him. He grew up in Alabama, just like me. I should've been excited that somebody from my little podunk state was making something of themselves, but instead, I was jealous that that person wasn't me.

I had always dreamed about getting out of Alabama, moving to New York, or California, or Miami, or Chicago, or... anywhere! And now, I am still working in Alabama, at a job I love, surrounded by people who love me, and involved in a wonderful church. I am happy with where I am.

Or, I was until I saw that this 'vine-famous' guy was making something of himself. I had begun comparing myself to him. How come he was receiving all of this success while I was still working in Alabama? Why was he so different from me that he had all these incredible opportunities?

"Jealousy is the fear of comparison." - Max Frisch.

My jealousy had completely overshadowed the fact that I have it great. There are so many other people who could potentially be jealous of me, simply because I have a great job. Or a loving, supportive girlfriend. Or a great church home. Or wonderful family and friends.

But at the time, I was so consumed with comparing myself to this guy that I wasn't happy. I was becoming bitter. I was upset with everything. I wasn't sleeping well. There were so many things going wrong, to the point where I just had to face reality.

I had to realize that I can't be jealous of somebody for their accomplishments. They put themselves out there, at the risk of rejection. How can I be jealous of their success, when they're willing to risk rejection while I'm not? That's like being upset you didn't get a job when you didn't even submit a resume.

Again, I had to realign my thoughts and pray that God would take this jealousy away from me. I don't like feeling jealous of somebody, whether for something petty like Facebook 'likes', or based on their success.

I'm not called to be jealous of others. I'm called to love them. I'm called to be proud and supportive of them. And that's where I've decided to stay.

I am so genuinely happy for my friend who is going to Tanzania, and I can't wait to see how God uses her while she's there. And I am genuinely happy for this guy whom I have never met for all the success he is receiving. Not to mention the fact that he's a Christian, and uses his platform of being 'vine-famous' for the glory of God's kingdom.

Now, it's my turn to pray in support of him. If he does receive a Disney show, I pray that he keeps his morals and doesn't bow down to cultural ideals, instead of focusing on how God will use him. Instead of being jealous of his success, I am excited for the idea that a Christian would be approached to have a show on a network where he can influence so many people, kids and adults alike, for God's kingdom.

As I said before, jealousy is a bug. And if not treated, it can completely debilitate you, derailing your thoughts and actions.

So, take action and make sure that you don't get swept up in someone else's success or excitement that you forget about all the great things in your own life.

Step of Faith

"The hardest part of any journey is taking that first step." - Unknown.

Nobody is sure of who said the above quote, but I can promise you that whoever it was knew what they were talking about. And I can completely relate.

Back in March, I saw in my church bulletin that they were offering a mission trip to India, to love on special needs orphans (who are considered unclean in India, and therefore, nobody wants anything to do with them), and to feed the homeless (who sleep on and dig through trash for food) in October 2016.

After working with 4th and 5th graders for the past year, I have come to realize that kids ministry is where my heart is, and this trip sounded absolutely perfect. It fit in exactly with what I felt like God was telling me to do.

But, I didn't want to make a hasty decision. I don't believe in circumstances, but just because it aligned with something I'm passionate about didn't necessarily mean that God was telling me to go.

I prayed about it. And prayed. And prayed some more. And, you know what? I prayed some more. I didn't want to take this decision lightly, for numerous reasons. One of these reasons being that it is quite expensive. Another, I'd have to take off work. Another, I'd miss out teaching my kids for two Sundays, and one Wednesday.

I spoke with people at the church, my girlfriend, my best friend, my parents, and my small group, asking for guidance. And you know what they all told me? It was my decision - one I had to make based on what I felt God was telling me to do. Now, don't get me wrong, they definitely helped by giving their insight or their opinions, but it's always so much easier to have someone just tell you what you're supposed to do, than to have to decide it for yourself. Especially on something like this.

When I was at the Rock and Worship Roadshow is when I mentioned the trip to my best friend. I told him my concerns about missing my kids for two Sundays and a Wednesday, and his response really hit me. He said: "You have those kids for, what, 52 days a year? And your Wednesday kids for 20 to 26? I think they'll survive without you for one or two days. But those kids in India need someone like you."

Well, if that's not a slap in the face, I don't know what is.

But I still hadn't made up my mind. Was it possible that his comment wasn't actually guidance telling me to go, but simply letting me know that my kids wouldn't be upset without me there for a few days?

As the weeks went by, I was still praying about it, and the deadline for the deposit was quickly approaching.

The Sunday before I had to make a final decision (April 10), I had 27 kids in my class at church. 27 kids. Ranging from 1st to 4th grade. All boys. Is this death? Was this really happening? My assistant wasn't able to make it, so I had 27 boys all by myself! Thankfully one of the worship leaders stepped in to help after leading worship, but for approximately 40 minutes, I had 27 boys. By. Myself.

But you know something? That was the best my boys had been in a long time. They even all brought their Bible's (which, how all of them can bring their Bible's when there are 27 of them, but only half can bring them when there's only 6 is beyond me), and earned a donut party.

Later, the woman who helped me with the boys commented that, despite the amount of kids I had, I showed true patience with them, showing them Christ' love. Her words were: "If your patience was wearing thin, or you were getting aggravated, you're really good at hiding it, because you looked so calm and in command. You are a natural with kids."

I must say, that was a massive compliment to my ego, and confirmation that kids ministry is where I need to be.

Well, on Tuesday April 12, I was praying again asking if I'm supposed to take this step of faith and head to India for 9 days. And I was bombarded with reminders of what my best friend said, what the lady at church on Sunday had said, what people in my small group had said, what my girlfriend had said, what my parents had said. And I made my decision.

I'm going to India from Oct 21, 2016 to Oct 30, 2016.

But now that I had made this decision, there was still that doubt: Am I just going because I want to go? Am I just going along with what others want me to do? Am I actually being called to India?

This past Sunday, I went to the interest meeting and paid my deposit. As soon as the money left my hands, an overwhelming "what have I done?!" moment came over me.

I had just paid to go to India.... What was I thinking?!

Pushing through, I taught my kids and went to main church. Our pastor was continuing a sermon-series that he had begun 3 weeks ago titled the Summit Series. Basically, the series is about the mountains of the Bible and what we can learn from them. Long story short, he was talking about Abraham being told by God to sacrifice Isaac, and how if Abraham hadn't obeyed God's direction, he wouldn't have seen God's provision (the ram stuck in the thicket). Then he ended it with: "God will test your faith. He will throw you into a furnace in order to make you something new."

Slap in the face number two. If nothing else, this was just more confirmation that I was supposed to go, despite my fear. Abraham didn't understand why God was telling him to sacrifice Isaac, but he knew who God was, and knew that no matter what happened, God would take care of him, even possibly to the point of bringing Isaac back to life (Hebrews 11:19).

As my pastor said, Abraham didn't understand the plan, but he knew his God, and that was enough.

Well, dang. If that isn't motivation and encouragement, I don't know what is. I may not know what God is going to do through me when I'm in India, but I know my God. He is going to take care of me. If He truly wants me to go to India, He will provide a way.

I was reading my Bible on Monday during lunch, and came across: "You have tested us, O God; you have purified us like silver melted in a crucible." - Psalms 66:10. We had previously covered this verse, and I had written to the side: "our ordinary faith must go through fire to become extraordinary faith; crucible = furnace".

Slap in the face number three. Have you ever gotten slapped so many times you feel like your head was spinning? That's where I was now.

I thought I was in a good place with India, but God knew better. He knew that I needed to be slapped around again in order to make me realize that He was about to test me in a hard way. But, it was also to remind me that He had this all under control.

I'm still going to India, and I have no idea what kind of furnace He's going to throw me into. But I know that whatever it is, it'll be for my own good and that He will use it to grow my faith and help me get closer to Him.

As scary as it sounds to be thrown into a furnace and knowing that your faith is going to be tested, I kind of look forward to it with a raw anticipation, knowing that it's going to purify and change me into something better than I am now, as only a test of faith can do.

I still have to raise money to get to India, and if you'd like to help, I'd greatly appreciate it! You can donate money or buy a t-shirt (picture below) at this link: Support Daniel's Mission Trip to India.

And just remember: whenever God is testing you, He's got it all handled. You have nothing to fear, as difficult as that is.

Full of Flavor

Last night, I was helping my mom cook dinner. It was already late, so we decided to do something relatively simple: fettuccine alfredo.

First off, let me just say this: it was absolutely delicious (and we made WAY too much).

Now that I've said that, let's move on.

The noodles were finished, and we were starting on the sauce when we realized that with the amount of pasta we had made, there wasn't nearly enough sauce. What were we going to do? It was already late, and neither of us wanted to go to the store. Plus, the pasta was already ready, and we didn't want it to get cold.

Searching the pantry for something - anything - we could use, my mom saw a can of Cream of Chicken Soup. She had never tried using this before, but she explained that it would give the sauce a chicken flavor, since we didn't have any meat to put in it, plus it would thicken up the alfredo sauce so that there would be enough.

Long story short, we mixed it in with the alfredo sauce and bell peppers, then mixed it into the pasta. And it was delicious.

You're probably wondering: why is he writing about fettuccine alfredo?

Because... when I was sitting here trying to think of something to write about, I remembered last night making fettuccine alfredo with Cream of Chicken Soup, and got inspired.

It made me begin thinking about how when things don't necessarily go the way we expect them, sometimes, if we are brave enough to try something new, something great can come from it.

I had never tried mixing Cream of Chicken Soup and alfredo mix together, but it gave the sauce a unique flavor that wasn't too overpowering or odd, but that paired together perfectly. We were out of other options, and had to take our chances.

It could have happened where the Cream of Chicken Soup completely ruined the sauce, making the pasta taste horrible. But, we had to take that chance, because otherwise there wouldn't be enough sauce. And that small risk worked out wonderfully.

Sometimes I need to remind myself that things don't always work out how I planned them, but sometimes mixing in a little of the unexpected can make things better than I could have ever dreamed.

Growing up in the church, I often heard: "If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him your plans". As silly of a quote as it is, it's completely true. God has great plans for all of us, but more often than not, we want to plan our own lives. We want to take the reins, when really we're supposed to just enjoy the ride.

There may be a detour that we weren't expecting, and it can be a bit scary or unnerving at the time, but we have to remember that God is in control. He knows the future before it happens, and He is constantly guiding our steps. Those scary or unnerving experiences can add flavor to our life in a way that we never expected. They can also teach us something new.

Like with the pasta, I learned that you can mix alfredo and Cream of Chicken Soup and the sauce comes out tasting better than before.

It's quite possible, if we allow Him, God can mix a few things into our plans that may appear iffy until the finished product. Or, even scarier yet, He may completely derail our plans because He knows there's something better out there for us.

This is something I've experienced, and I can honestly say that He has derailed me from things that I thought were great plans for my life, when in reality they were debilitating. They were not at all where my life was supposed to head, despite the fact that in my fantasy, they were ideal.

He had greater plans for me, and, though I didn't say this at the time I was going through them, I'm so glad that He loves me enough to derail my plans, or even take me on a detour. Because now my life is better than I could have dreamed up.

My life is full of flavor.

Texas Bound

This past weekend was exactly what I needed. It was a weekend full of adventure, spontaneity, alone-time, new friendships, catching-up with old friends, celebration, exploration, growing, learning, and late-night chats.

It felt like I was back in college, which was easily one of the best times of my life.

But before all of that could happen, I had to deal with some worry or nervousness about how everyone would react.

With everything that happened with my ex, I wasn't completely sure how my friends, whom I hadn't seen since I got married, would react. In fact, I'd barely even spoken to them since I got married. We were all friends in college, but as far as I knew, they were closer to my ex than they were to me, and would very easily be against me because of her.

My girlfriend was invited to a wedding for a mutual friend of ours, who was the best friend of my ex. The bride assured my girlfriend that she wanted me to be there. But, I had so many reservations to going:

- She was my ex's best friend. Surely she would rather invite my ex.

- I hadn't spoken to her in forever; why would I be invited?

- If I did go, would it cause drama for the bride?

- Was I willing to possibly be cornered by my friends, who would want to know all the gritty details of what happened?

- Once they knew what had happened, would they judge me?

- Would they think that I was a horrible person for not fighting harder for her?

- Would they side with her and alienate me all weekend?

These kind of thought bothered me for a long while until finally I decided I had to just deal with them. I reached out to the bride and voiced my concern about coming, and making sure she wouldn't rather have my ex there. I also mentioned that I didn't want any of my past drama to infect her happiness, because if my ex saw a picture of me at the wedding, surely she would say something to her best friend.

The bride assured me that she would rather I come, and that she could handle my ex. Those were kind words, but it was still a bit hard to believe. They were best friends; there had to be some kind of twist. Right? It's easy to say something via messenger or text, compared to saying it to someone's face.

Well, I continued to worry about it, but decided I would go, if for no other reason than to meet my girlfriend's dad, who lived just a few hours away from the wedding.

On the way to Texas this weekend, my thoughts weren't focused on myself and my nervousness at all. It was just focused on enjoying the time I had with my girlfriend. But as soon as we got to the church, where the bride and two of our college friends were decorating, my nervousness and anxiety flared up.

I felt so awkward.

I was so nervous about what they'd think.

I was so... scared, I guess is the right word?

I saw the bride and our college friends running down the sidewalk, and immediately figured they were running towards my girlfriend. I stood awkwardly waiting for them to embrace, then acknowledge me, expecting some kind of question or judgment.

Instead, I got a massive hug from the bride, who began crying with happiness and all she said was "I'm so sorry for everything you've gone through, but I'm so glad you're here!" Then I got a massive hug from one of my college best friends and she said "I hate what you've gone through, but I've missed you so much!"

I didn't know what to say. All of my expectations on how this mini-reunion was going to turn out were completely destroyed by those two hugs and the words spoken.

I had been fretting over seeing them again for no reason.

In just a matter of minutes, all my discomfort and anxiety had been washed away. Before I knew it, my college best friend and I were sharing funny pictures and laughing like old times, to the point where my girlfriend, the bride and another college friend decided to leave us alone while they caught up and spoke about the wedding.

That was the entire weekend, starting from the time we left Alabama until the time we returned. We stayed up until 1-2am every night talking, laughing, reminiscing, laughing some more, telling stories, and catching up. Like I said previously, it was like being back in college.

I am so thankful that I went to the wedding, because it helped me reconnect with all the people I've missed so much. We are even planning to have mini-reunions every few months, so that we don't go four years without seeing each other again. That was way too long.

Another side of my worry about going to Texas was meeting my girlfriend's father. I was told that he was really big on first impressions, and didn't like sarcasm until he got to know you more. Well, of course, being the sarcastic person I am, this had me concerned.

Again, my concern was unfounded. Her dad and I had a great weekend getting to know each other. We had a full-on nerf-gun war, pulled pranks on my girlfriend, went to dinner, had long chats, played board games, and more. By the end of it, I was dreading having to leave. I had formed a friendship with her dad, step-mom and little brother.

I had never felt as comfortable at dinner with my ex and her parents as I did with my girlfriend. her dad and step-mom. And that was six years of my life. Our friendship got to the point where he even posted a status on Facebook inviting me back whenever I was free, and where we have decided to have a nerf-gun rematch.

As I said before, this weekend was exactly what I needed. It was one of the best weekends I've had in a very long time, helping me cement new friendships, rekindle old ones, and grow closer to them all.

And I couldn't ask for more.