Food, Family, Friends. Oh my!

Thanksgiving: one of my favorite holidays of the year for two simple reasons - food and family.

If you know me, you know that I am a total fatty. I LOVE food. I'm usually up to try anything, at any time. I don't like letting food go to waste. You're not gonna finish that ice cream? Pass it on over. When I'm in a new city, I always want to try something that I can't find anywhere else. Some call it adventurous (or weird - whatever); I like to think of it as advantageous. I'm taking advantage of the opportunity to eat something that I'll probably never find anywhere else.

My second reason is family. I have a HUGE family, and I love every one of them. I honestly could not imagine my life without my 4 siblings and their significant others and kids, my loving parents, and my incredibly large extended family. I mean, it's enormous: I have over 30 first and second cousins. And almost every Thanksgiving, the majority of us get together.

But that's not all that Thanksgiving is about. It's not about Black Friday sales either. How is it that literally one day after we talk about everything we're thankful for, we feel the need to go out and buy more stuff? But I digress.

No, to me, Thanksgiving is a reminder that we should be thankful year-round. Yes, it's an entire month devoted to remembering what you're thankful for, but I think it should be more than that. I think it should be a reminder to be thankful for every day, every opportunity, every blessing, and, yes, even every pitfall in life. Because this means you're still alive. It means God has granted you another day to be alive; another day with those you love; another day doing things that bring you joy; another day to relish in His glory; another day of just living.

Other than my love for food and my family, I feel it necessary to talk about other things I'm extremely thankful for, just to highlight where I currently am. I'm sure this list will update by next year, and hopefully grow longer.

As a friend of mine wrote in her blog, there are some things I'm truly thankful for, while there are others that I'm merely appreciative of. Yes, I stole that from you (because I know you're reading this, and you know who you are).

I had to sit and think on this for a while before I could determine everything I wanted to list. I don't want this blog post to get too long, but I want to highlight the things that are most important to me. So, let's do this:

1) My God. First and foremost, always and forever. He has stood by my side from the moment He began to piece me together in my mother's womb, and He will be there with me until my dying breath. Then I'll be with Him for all eternity. He has led me to people whom I would never have met otherwise, helping me develop friendships that I truly cherish. He has led me to do great things, and also to things others would think are controversial, but I know that He was right there with me. He has stood with me when I was on the mountaintop, and He sang praises over me; and He helped me traverse the valleys in life, when I was at my lowest, bringing me out the other side, as broken and bruised as I was. He has never given up on me, and I know He never will. When I turned away, He has always been waiting for me to return, arms stretched wide, preparing to give me the biggest bear-hug that I have ever received. He is my God, and I am His child. Forever, and always. And for that, I am truly thankful.

2) My best friend. I've already written about her once before, and she's going to hate me for writing about her again, but I believe if you're truly thankful for someone, you need to make sure they know. She and I have been through so much together. As I wrote previously, she has been my anchor in the storms of my life. She has helped me stay secure through everything I've been going through, not allowing me to drift away. Not only that, but she and I have the kind of friendship where we can literally talk about anything and I know she won't judge me for anything I say. Make fun of me? Most likely. Judge me? Definitely not. She has one of the kindest hearts I've ever had the privilege of getting know. Her love and passion for God, her job, missions and children are incredible. She literally lights up from the inside out when she's talking about anything she's passionate about, and that passion is so inspiring. She has seen me at my weakest and held my hand through it all, and she's seen me at my greatest and applauded my triumphs. In a world where everyone and everything is telling you who you are, it's incredibly rare to find someone who is genuine. But thankfully, that's exactly what my best friend is. She's one of the most amazing and awe-inspiring people I have ever met, and I hope she never thinks otherwise.

3) My career. I am in such amazement as to how my career has developed. I began college as a musical theatre major, and switched to Communication, simply because all my credits would have rolled over. I had absolutely no interest in going into Communication, but God had another plan. He knew where I needed to be, and He guided my steps. Now I work at an amazing news station, where I am the Director of Programming and the Digital Sales Coordinator. I also get to attend events, meet amazing people, and have the time of my life. I absolutely love the career that was practically created for me. Not many people can say they actually have a career in the field they went to school for, and I am incredibly thankful for the opportunity that I do. I wake up each morning looking forward to work, simply because I love it so much! Sometimes it can get stressful or annoying, but that comes with any career/job.

4) My divorce. Now, this is a tough one to write about, because why in the world would I be thankful for my divorce? If you've read my very first blog post, you'll already know some of my reasoning. Because of my divorce, I was able to reconnect with my best friend, whom I had missed for so long. Because of my divorce, I dove into the church. My relationship with the One True Living God grew SO much because I desperately needed Him. He also led me to where my heart is the happiest: kids ministry. Without my divorce, I have no doubt that I'd have kept making excuses as to why I couldn't volunteer. And how stupid is that? But because of my divorce, I was able to put those excuses to rest, find where I fit in at the church, and devote my time and energy to those kids. Yes, I get to the church at 7:45am on Sundays and don't leave until 1pm, and I'm incredibly tired, but it's so worth it to see those kids grow deeper in their relationship with Christ. Because of my divorce (and this is probably the weirdest one, but hear me out), I moved back in with my parents. How is that a good thing, you ask? Because I had grown distant from my parents. But now that I was living with them again, we have bonded even closer than before. My dad and I have so many inside jokes, and watch movies, and talk TV shows, and discuss work; my mom and I cook and sing and clean and just act stupid together. Not only that, though. Because I moved back home, I was able to see my niece almost every day before she moved away; I was able to secure that relationship with her. I love that munchkin so much, and now I know that she won't forget that. Every time she visits, she asks for her "Airwin", and just hearing her voice brings joy to my life. I also see my nephew at least 3 times a week now, whereas before, I saw him maybe once a month. That boy and I are besties; if I'm having a rough day, it instantly gets better when I see that goofy-grin with drool slipping down his chin. I love that boy, and I make a point to let him know it. He visibly brightens when I walk in the room, and starts reaching for me, and I love seeing that kind of reaction from him. And I know that if I hadn't moved back home, I would have just been "my dad's brother" to him and to my niece. For all these reasons, I'm so thankful for my divorce, as weird as that sounds.

5) Lastly, kids ministry. As I have mentioned in a prior post, I am the lead teacher for 4th grade boys on Sundays, and the assistant teacher for 6th grade boys on Wednesdays. Those kids have stolen my heart. They drive me crazy, but they are my kids. They wear me out every Sunday and Wednesday, but I wouldn't give it up for the world. I love seeing their eyes brighten when we talk about God. I love seeing their eagerness to dive deeper into His word. I love seeing them dance around, singing as loud as they can, praising their Savior. It warms my heart every Sunday/Wednesday, and serves as a constant reminder that I need to keep a child-like faith. People who know me know that I refer to them as my kids, because that's what they are. Currently in my stage of life, I don't have the opportunity to have children - but, in actuality, I have between 12 and 15 children. And I love them each dearly, and am going to hate when they move out of my class. But that just means that I get a whole new bunch of kids that I get to nurture and grow and share Christ with, and that I get to adopt as my own.

I know this was a long post all about being thankful, and I feel it was necessary. If you read the entire thing, congratulations. I'd give you a cookie, except I can't bake. So... sorry.

But seriously, take this time to be with your family. Be thankful for everything you have. Be thankful for things that may seem like pitfalls. Be thankful for things that bring you joy, and even for things that bring you sorrow. Be thankful for friends. Be thankful for God and His guidance.

And don't hoard up all your thankfulness and only distribute it and show it to others during the Thanksgiving season. Make sure people know year-round how thankful you are of them, because they may not be here tomorrow. Be thankful for your job all the time, even if it's just as a buggie-gatherer, because at least you have a job. Be thankful for your trials, because sometimes we learn the most when we're flat on our face on the floor with no where else to go.

Just be thankful for every day you have, no matter what happens, because we're not guaranteed another.

God is a Compass

With all the stuff I've gone through recently, I have learned that we are not supposed to be the tour guide of our lives; we are only supposed to be sitting in the passenger seat and enjoying the ride, as God leads us where He wants us.

But this is so much harder to do than people realize. We, as humans, have a desire to be in control of everything we can about our lives: we want to decide where we work, who we marry, how many kids we'll have, what we do with our money, where we will live, and so much more. But what we must realize is that our plans can't even begin to measure up to what God has planned for us.

They say if you want to hear God laugh, tell Him your plans. I don't believe this is because God thinks our plans are ridiculous, or stupid, or un-achievable. I believe that God knows where we need to be and how we need to get there.

I know for myself, I like to believe that I know what I'm doing and I don't need anybody to help me. However, I'm sure God is often shaking His head and saying "No, come this way. This is a better path." But because I'm a fallen human, I ignore his direction and do my own thing, just to realize that the path I had thought looked so inviting was actually full of pitfalls and set-backs.

But because God is gracious, He always picks me up, dusts me off, and leads me back to the correct path, even after I completely ignore His direction. He knows what I need for my life, but rather than force me to go down the path He has chosen, He waits patiently for me to choose it for myself. And I believe He celebrates when we choose to follow where He guides.

The Bible is clear where God stands with our futures and the paths He wants for us. Jeremiah 29:11 states: "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

He wants us to succeed in life; He wants us to live fulfilling lives; He wants us to find joy with His creation. He doesn't want to harm us, hinder us, or scare us. He wants the best for us, just like any loving father would for his children. Except, God is the ultimate loving Father. He will never turn away from us, despite how many times we may turn away from Him; He will happily be waiting for us to come back, with a smile on His face and His arms open.

Sometimes I think we put Him in our pocket (or a box, if you will), and forget He's even there until we get into a tight spot. Then we go back to Him and ask Him where He was, when He was waiting for us right where we left Him.

Looking back on the past 6 years of my relationship, I realize that I was running away from His direction. I was completely blind, stumbling down a tunnel, trying my hardest to prove that I could handle it on my own. What I didn't realize was that as I fumbled around, I was getting even farther away from the lighted path, my hands and feet were getting cut by thorns that I refused to acknowledge, and my hope was growing dim. I was stranded in a wilderness with no way out, but unwilling to show that I was in need of help.

But how foolish was I? The answer? Completely. I was completely foolish to believe that I knew better than the God of the universe. I was completely foolish to believe that I could guide my steps better than the God who actually knows which steps I need to take. I was foolish in letting my heart and head cloud my judgment, leading me down a path that was clearly marked as "Danger".

As I've said before, I believe that everything happens for a reason; I don't believe in consequences. And the same holds true for this. I believe that if I hadn't gone down this path, disregarding God's warnings, I wouldn't have grown closer to Him and learned to lean on Him in times of need. The Bible states that He uses all things for His good (Romans 8:28), so who am I to say that He couldn't use my straying down the wrong path to lead me to a closer relationship with Him?

With everything that I have gone through with my divorce, I have learned to trust His guidance. Though I still sometimes make rash decisions, I try to speak to my God first and foremost. I try to listen to what He is telling me about everything, so that He can guide my steps. I'd much rather Him lead me through a dimly lit path where I can't even see what's in front of me, than step out on my own on the well-lit path and fall into a carefully concealed pit.

Instead of diving headfirst into anything, I try to seek His direction. I ask my friends to pray for me to receive spiritual guidance in all endeavors, because I am so tired of making mistakes. I pray before I read my Bible, asking God to speak to me through it. I ask Him to give me wisdom in all matters of my life, no matter how insignificant they may appear. Because I know He cares about the minutest of details.

Currently, I am struggling with this because I am requesting guidance for a certain aspect of my life, and seem to be receiving conflicting answers. I've talked to a few people and I know where they stand. But, I'm scared that I don't know what God is saying.

At times I feel like He's telling me "Yes, this is what I have planned for you, stop hesitating!" But then doubt doubt and fear enter, and it seems that I hear Him telling me "No, steer clear. Don't follow that path; that's not what I have planned for you." What if I'm wrong about what He wants for me? What if I'm giving my own opinions and making myself believe they're what God is saying?

What if I'm making a rash decision based on what everyone else is telling me?

And so I pray. I pray that God will silence those other voices so I can hear exactly what He wants for me. I pray that He will speak to me in ways that will make all hesitation, doubt and fear fade away. I pray that He will guide my steps in all things, leading me exactly where He wants me. And I pray that whenever He finally decides to reveal the next part of my path, I will obediently listen and take that step, even if that means I'm grasping onto Him with trembling hands.

I can't say for certain what my next step is, but I know that God will lead me into taking it when His timing arrives. All I need to do is pray, listen, and act when He tells me to.

As my title states, I like to think of God as a compass. He points us in the right direction, if we only ask Him for guidance. So, I have chosen to move to the passenger seat and give God the wheel. I know the road He takes me on will be so much more fulfilling than any I could have traveled down on my own.

Let God be your compass and point you down the right path. After all, He already knows the way.

UPDATE:

So, God basically slapped me in the face last night. He made me realize that I wasn't listening to Him; I was listening to everyone else, and the consequence was that His voice was the one that I had drowned out.

So word of advice, make sure you know to whom you're actually listening. And make sure if you're listening to people, it aligns with what God is saying.

All Because of a Note

One thing that I think is important to talk about is friendship, and just how valuable having a great friend-base is to each person. And right now, I want to talk about one particular friendship of mine. I have referenced this friendship once in a past post when talking about how I had removed people from my life simply because my ex didn't like them, but honestly, it was mainly just one person I had axed.

I won't give out any names, but this person will know who they are as they read this post. And she most likely already does.

But the reason I wanted to talk about this friendship is to highlight just how important this particular person is to me. Yes, I cut this friend out of my life to accommodate my ex's wishes, but recently, I have also discovered that this friend removed herself because my relationship with my ex was draining on her, and she just couldn't handle it anymore.

And looking back, I completely understand that. I can't fault her for that; she was doing what was best for her, just as I was doing what I thought was best for me.

But after everything that happened with my ex, this one particular friend was the only one to reach out and see how I was doing. We hadn't spoken for 3 years, and yet, she was still concerned for my well-being.

Let me tell you something: that right there is true friendship. And after everything I had gone through, I really needed a true friend. Someone who was in my corner when the rest of the world was piling up against me. Someone who knew the situation, but didn't judge me because of any of it, but instead loved me through it. Someone who picked me up when I got beaten down, patted me on the back and pushed me back into the fray because she hadn't given up on me.

That's what a true best friend is. And thankfully, I had met mine when I was 12 years old.

Why she stuck with me through that horrible time, I'll probably never know. But I hope she knows just how much I appreciated that. Just like the guy from my church who stuck with me when I was a wreck, she was an anchor in the storm that was swirling around me. She helped me find stable ground again so that I didn't sink.

She has been one of my best friends for over 12 years now, and even with all our ups and downs, she has stuck it out. Why? I'll never truly understand. But the great thing about it is, I don't even have to know. All I need to know is that no matter what, I can count on her.

I've helped her through a few things, but I honestly believe that she's helped me through even more. She has proven herself time and time again to me, and that has done nothing but strengthen our friendship.

Without her steady and loyal friendship, I honestly don't know where I'd be right now. Even during those 3 years where we didn't speak, I firmly believe that I was in her thoughts, as she prayed for my well-being and my future, even if at the time it seemed that my future wouldn't include her.

That, to me, is the definition of true friendship. She didn't (and never has) expected anything from me; she was simply a great friend, even when I wasn't. And I can just hope that one day I'll be as good a friend back to her as she has been to me.

As Sarah Dessen says in her book Someone Like You, "Life is an awful, ugly place to not have a best friend."

Though I may mess with her constantly, be snippy, play jokes on her, be sarcastic, be sweet, be charming, be naive, or just be plain stupid, I know that she's not going anywhere. Even when she pretends that she's fed up with me, and even when she really is, I know that I don't have to worry about our friendship.

I know that she accepts me for who I am and would never even think about changing anything about me. She loves me like Christ loves the church, despite all my faults and shortcomings. And for this, I love her. As I said, I can only pray that one day I will be as good of a friend to her as she is to me.

We all need a best friend. We all need someone who we know will be there for us through all the crap that life tries to throw at us. We all need someone who can take our sass and dish it right back without getting offended. We all need someone who will carry us through the pits and valleys of life, and who will dance and sing with us when we're standing on top of the world.

We all need someone who will help steady us when we are walking through rocky terrain. And I am so thankful that I found all of those things in my best friend when I was only 12 years old.

And to think, it all started with her passing me a note.

Music to My Ears

I must be crazy. If you've been following these blog posts, then you most likely read the one where I spoke about insecurities eating me up inside.

There's one in particular that I want to talk about today: singing.

Let's back up a minute.

I currently lead 4th grade boys on Sunday mornings at my church. For a while, I was questioning if this is where I was supposed to serve. When I mentioned that I didn't feel like I was reaching the boys, one of my friends stated the following: "People don't just miraculously become a Christian overnight. It takes years of preparation; someone has to fertilize the soil so that they can grow. You may not be the one who leads them to Christ, but you could be the one who plants the seed. And the year you have with them, you're watering them and helping them flourish, even if they haven't sprouted yet."

I had never thought about it quite like that, but he was right. Someone has to get them planted in the Word, and I was more than happy to be their gardener.

Since that conversation, I've slowly come to realize that kids ministry is where I'm supposed to be serving. It's a party every Sunday, and something I look forward to. As I have said in previous blog posts, I love those kids more than they will ever even know, and they are so dear to me. I truly want what's best for them, and to help them grow in their relationship with Christ, whether it's begun yet or not.

Well, now that I had established that I wanted to be in kids ministry, I figured I should also help out on Wednesday nights at the 5th/6th grade students ministry. I showed up for my first volunteer night 3 weeks ago, and was quickly disappointed.

The kids weren't nearly as excited to be there as they were on Sundays. And the main issue I noticed? The music was lacking. The worship leaders weren't excited to be there, and so the kids fed off that boredom and weren't excited either. Most of the kids attended on Sundays where we did dance moves, jumped, waved our hands in praise and just had a great time. But they refused to do any of this, because the energy in the room was so lackadaisical.

When we broke away to dive into the Word, I noticed that the kids were still a bit bored; they were yawning, putting their heads on the table, and purposefully not paying attention. They had gotten into a routine of being bored with Wednesdays, so they didn't expect anything exciting to happen. My co-leader and I spoke for 10 minutes without any feedback, and when we went back to worship, the kids begrudgingly walked back into the auditorium.

Something needed to change. These kids needed to be on fire for God, not feel like it was something they were just required to attend because their parents dropped them off!

Well, it ended and when I was leaving, I felt like I needed to voice my opinion to the kids ministry director. I was a bit hesitant to say anything though; it was only my first night volunteering and I was already complaining. That couldn't bode well.

I told him my concerns and he told me that he was appreciative of my feedback, because none of the other leaders gave him feedback concerning Wednesdays; they simply showed up, did their jobs, and went home. To me, church isn't a job that you come, clock-in, put in your time, and peace out when you're done. It's something you invest your time into to make sure that everybody who comes to the church learns the truth of Christ, feels welcome for being there, and actually enjoys it. It shouldn't be laborious.

I didn't have a resolution on how we could remedy this, but I figured that I was good since I had at least told him where I think they needed some work.

On my way out of the parking lot, I felt this overwhelming need to go back into the building and speak with the children's ministry leader again. I didn't know exactly what I was going to say, but I felt like it was necessary that I go speak to him; God would provide me with whatever He wanted me to say.

What I didn't realize was that God was about to use me to volunteer to help the kids ministry in a way that would definitely take me out of my comfort zone. He wanted me to volunteer to help leading worship as a singer.

Wait, what? Me? Sing in public? What in the world are You talking about, God? You know I don't do that!

But... I was. I had volunteered. I had offered to help lead worship so that I could inspire the kids and get them excited to be there on Wednesdays. I already knew all the songs and all of the dance moves because of Sunday. But I had never done it on the stage, with a microphone so my voice would be broadcast throughout the room.

I was terrified.
I was excited.
I was nauseous.
I was insane.

I couldn't believe I had just volunteered for this. But at the same time, I was at peace about it, because I knew that it was God working through me. I had (and still have) major insecurities about my singing voice. I'm terrified about the day I actually have to lead - it hasn't happened yet. But I'm also looking forward to it.

As weird as it sounds, I'm so excited to get on that stage and lead those kids, because I know that God will be reaching those kids through me, even if I sound and look like a fool. I plan to get those kids dancing, singing and just plain excited for Wednesday nights. I'm going to make them desire to be at the church, instead of simply feel obligated to be there.

And, I can assure you, hearing those kids voices and seeing them praising their Savior, will be the best reward.

It will be music to my ears and delight to my eyes. And I truly cannot wait.