That was me this past Sunday.
Halfway through teaching my 4th grade boys, my mood turned sour; I didn't want to continue leading them. They were acting out, disobeying, and not listening. When I would tell them to do something, they would talk back, claiming that they had the right to do what they wanted because they were just copying what another class was doing. It got to the point that I had to tell them that I was their teacher, and that I didn't care what was happening in other classes; they were in my class, and because of such, they would listen to me.
My sour mood was quickly deepening.
By the time we were finished, I was in a bad funk, to the point where I was debating whether or not to go to church. Part of me wanted nothing more than to go home, and sleep the day away. A very big part of me.
Then I remembered that I was meeting some people from small group at church. Which turned my thoughts to small group that night. Another obligation that was going to eat away my time, and that I really didn't feel like attending.
Then I began thinking about other obligations I had made to the church, including Mission 56 on Wednesday nights. If my Sunday boys were bad, I could only imagine what my Wednesday boys would be like.
I had a long list of responsibilities. They were never-ending. And I didn't want anything to do with any of it.
Temptations to back out of being a teacher to these boys, to back out of leading my small group, to back out of helping lead worship at Mission 56, to back out of even attending church were all swirling around in my mind. It was bad.
But I had obligations, and so I pushed through my funk and decided to go to church, even though I really didn't feel like it.
As I sat waiting for worship to begin, I was on Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, whatever I could do to waste time until the service began. But then I felt this... voice? stirring?... I don't even know what to call it. But I felt something telling me to put my phone away, and instead, pray. Pray that this funk would go away.
You wanna know something? I had no desire to pray. I had the urge to pull my phone back out and see if anything new had been posted on Facebook. Isn't that sad?
But, I know that prayer always tends to help, whether I realize it or not, so I decided to give it a shot. I prayed that God would open my heart, fill me with His presence and help me get out of this funk I was in.
Honestly, at first, I didn't feel anything. But then the music began:
"Let Your breath come from heaven, fill our hearts with Your life. We are here for You, we are here for You. To You, our hearts are open. Nothing here is hidden; You are our one desire. You alone are holy, only You are worthy. God, let Your fire fall down." - 'Here for You' by Matt Redman.
I wasn't feeling this at all. I had prayed my heart would be open, but I didn't feel like it was working. Then the next song started:
"We're choosing celebration, breaking into freedom. You're the song, You're the song of our hearts... You're the joy, joy, joy lighting my soul. The joy, joy, joy making me whole. Though I'm broken, I am running into Your arms of love." - 'Joy' by Rend Collective.
This was something. I could feel something begin to stir within me, and my mood began to shift. Then, they began a song that was written by one of our worship leaders, John Martin Davis:
"When I cannot see, You are guiding me and telling me that I am not alone. You remind me that I am never on my own. I was created by the hands of the Father, and I am redeemed through the blood of the Lamb. I have been filled with the Spirit of the Conqueror, You’ve shown me who I am, and I am Yours.”
I finally felt like my heart and spirit was opening up. I was beginning to truly worship. Then they ended it with:
"You tell me that You're pleased, and that I'm never alone. You're a good, good Father. It's who You are, it's who You are, it's who You are. And I am loved by You. It's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am." - 'Good, Good Father' by Chris Tomlin.
This song pushed me over the edge. I was finally truly worshiping again, arms lifted up to my Savior, my hope being restored. Through these songs, God had answered my prayer. He used the worship leaders to help open my heart and remind me who I was.
Then the pastor began speaking, and he was talking about how, as Christians, we all have certain responsibilities. These include: dominion (we are given dominion over all God's creation, not as masters, but as managers); human flourishing (we are supposed to help benefit our city, similar to the Israelite's in Babylon - Jeremiah 29:4-9); and, to know God and make Him known (we are commanded to tell others about Christ).
Through this sermon, God reminded me that I had responsibilities, and despite what types of troubles or issues or temptations are thrown my way, I have to follow God and tend to my responsibilities. These included leading my small group, teaching my 4th graders on Sunday, and teaching my 5th graders on Wednesday.
Despite the fact that this past Sunday was rough, and I had to get onto my 4th graders, I'm so glad I didn't back out. I am looking forward to this next Sunday, where I get to nurture them again in God's truth.
I'm also glad I didn't back out of leading my small group, even for just one day. When I showed up that night, I told them about my day and they were so encouraging and uplifting, and helped me realize that every one has those days, but we can't let them get us down.
And I'm so thankful I didn't decide to let one bad day sway me to stop helping out at Mission 56. I'm just counting down the hours until I get to help lead those kids in worship and teach them.
My heart is full and alive, happy to be serving and following God wherever He leads me, despite the temptations that are thrown in my way to get me to turn away.
Though my pastor and the worship leaders will never truly know how much they helped me (I did post about it on Facebook, but they don't know the depths of my struggle), I'm so thankful for them, and for them allowing God to use them to reach me, even on my darkest days.
And though my kids (both 4th graders and 5th graders) will probably never see this, I hope they know that even when I get upset with them, I love them deeply. They are some of the best, brightest kids I know and I look forward to teaching them each Sunday/Wednesday.
And lastly, to my small group, who also may not ever see this; I hope they realize just how thankful I am for their constant encouragement and prayer, even when I feel like the worst small group leader.
Don't give up. Even when you get in a sour mood, feel tempted to shirk your responsibilities, or just hide away in your room, don't give up.
Instead, say a simple prayer and ask for God's healing.
Because, He's been known to work miracles.
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