Misery Loves Company

Have you ever noticed that when one bad thing happens, it usually is followed by another, and then another, and then another, until you're buried under a pile of bad things, just trying to find something good in the middle of your mess?

That happened to me just recently.

On Oct 13, I took the day off of work because all the papers were ready for me to sign to move forward with the divorce. That was a terrible day, one I truly never wanted to happen. I signed at 9 that morning and was done by 10. Then I just drove around aimlessly, not wanting to go home, not wanting to stop, because I knew that if I did, I'd do nothing but think about what I had just done. But there was nothing I could do to change it; my soon-to-be ex-wife didn't want anything to do with me. She had made her choice, and because I loved her, I wasn't going to force her to stay.

I ended up wandering the mall for a few hours, not really looking at anything, but making sure to keep myself distracted.

Finally, that day had ended and I thought I was on the path to a happier life.

But then, on Oct 16, my boss blew up on me and blamed me for things that I had no influence over. Instead of getting with the correct person, he verbally attacked me since I was the closest person around, and was the only one who had any idea of what he was referencing. Again, I was in the middle of drama that I had no control over, and I was so tempted to fight back.

Instead, I dove into Scripture and bit my tongue. The Bible says to honor your boss, and do not complain about him: "Servants, obey your boss. Respect him with all your heart and try to please him as you would Christ. Obey not only when he is looking at you, as if you were pleasing a man. But obey as the servants of Christ, and do with all your heart what God wants you to do. Work gladly as if you were working for the Lord and not for men." - Ephesians 6: 4-6.

This was the last thing I wanted to do, but I knew that arguing wouldn't get me anywhere. Instead, I decided to focus on my work, show him that I wasn't the culprit, and allow my work to speak for me. By doing this, the drama at work seemed to calm down, and again, I thought I was on the path to some light in the midst of all my darkness.

But then, drama erupted in my church small group, of which I am a co-leader. Without going into too much detail, it finally came to a head where I had to tell the person creating all the drama that they needed to leave, because the group was not going to tolerate the drama they wanted to ensue.

As I said before, one bad thing led to another which led to another, until I was drowning in a sea of despair. I didn't have any real time to cope with the signing of the papers before something else was thrown my way. Then, while I was still reeling from being chewed out for something I didn't do, I now had to put that aside and deal with drama that could tear up my church group.

I don't believe in coincidences or chance. I believe everything happens for a reason; therefore, I don't think it was just a random occurrence that my church pastor preached about our Shield of Faith the Sunday before everything happened. He specifically said that the shield was supposed to be close enough that we could grab it when we're in the middle of the battle; it should always be at hand. He also said that the shield was to protect us from all types of adversary - our Shield of Faith should be something we can stand behind when the enemy is attacking us.

Also, he pointed to how sometimes we are tempted in the garden (Eve in the garden; Genesis 3:6), when everything is going great; but that we can also be tempted in the desert (Jesus in the desert; Matthew 4), when we are at our weakest.

During all of this, I was clearly in the desert, and I could feel myself being so tempted by many things. With the papers, I was tempted by depression; to lock myself away and just let the world move on without me. But, at the last moment, I pulled my Shield of Faith in front of me and protected myself from that blow.

Then, with my boss, I was tempted to not honor him. Instead, all I really wanted to do was argue, tell him he was wrong, and he needed to start paying attention to who was really at fault. Again, I realized at the last moment that this was not the way I needed to handle this - instead, I grabbed my Shield of Faith.

Lastly, with the person in my church group, I was very tempted to just walk away and let somebody else handle it. But, that wasn't the way it should've gone down. Instead, I needed to handle it directly and calmly, and try to find a good, Christ-like compromise.

Misery loves company, or so the saying goes. But I believe, God uses the misery in our lives to help us grow closer to Him. I have no doubt that's one reason that I had to deal with all of those things so close together. Coincidence or not, God used my pastor to teach me to grab my Shield of Faith during the difficult times, then he tested me to see if I would listen.

I won't say that I always do, because that would be a lie. But for these three instances, I feel like I actually paid attention, and because of this, my faith has grown stronger that ever.

Father Time Has Lost His Watch

I firmly believe that people make time for things that matter to them. To me, that includes my friends, my family and my God. I hate to say it, but I have actually neglected each of these things before, thinking that other things were more important. And, oh, did I pay the price.

My previous relationship (see Matters of the Heart for details) had me neglecting all of these at one point or another, whether I realized it at the time or not. Looking back, I can see just how messed up the relationship was, and how it made me transition what was truly important in my life.

Growing up, a sense of family was ingrained into my identity. They were the people who would be there for you no matter what; the people who would defend you against all adversaries; the people who would offer their shoulder when you needed to cry; and, the people who would lift you up when you were at your lowest.

We were a tight-nit bunch, mostly because we lived in the country about 10 miles from town, and we had no neighbors. But that helped to make us even closer than the typical family.

Looking back on the past 6 years of my life, however, I have realized just how distant I had made them. My mom and I were always close, and my sister and I were practically best friends. But once I got into my previous relationship, they became minorities while my girlfriend-turned-wife-turned-ex became a majority. It got to the point where my own family wouldn't tell me things that I desperately needed to know, because they feared I wouldn't believe them.

Don't get me wrong; it wasn't all bad -- but before all of this, they knew they could tell me everything. Now, it was almost as if they had to censor their words to make sure I didn't revolt. And, sadly, they were right.

Moving past this, though, I also realized how far I had pushed away my friendships. I had begun cancelling plans with friends because my soon-to-be ex wanted to do something instead, and didn't want anybody else to join, or didn't like the people I invited. This made my friend-group drop from around 8 people to me barely able to hold onto 2. At the time, I didn't think anything was bad about this. I told myself I'd rather have 2 or 3 close friends than a bunch of acquaintances.

In all honesty, I was making excuses so I wouldn't feel bad about neglecting them and making them feel less important. But it didn't matter what I told myself; the truth was, I had hurt them, driven them away and made them feel as if being friends with me was something they had to strive for. If they wanted to be my friend, they'd reach out and try, right?

Remember from my first blog me saying some things are a two-way street? Same goes for this, except this time, I was the one refusing to get behind the wheel.

And last, but certainly not least, was my God. When we first started dating, my ex and I were on-fire for God. But once we got married and things got busy, we began making excuses as to why we couldn't go, until it became a habit of not going. Finally, thankfully, we had decided enough was enough and we dove back into it. We joined a small group at the church, which helped us reconnect with God and the church.

But, now the issue was, we had to actually attend a group on a weekly basis. We barely wanted to go to church; why would we want to attend a small group? This caused consistent arguments between us, me wanting to go and her not (or vice versa, depending on the day).

I have always believed that people make time for things that are important to them. If they have to cancel plans with friends, they would reschedule with them so they can still hang out. If they can't attend church, they listen to a podcast later. If they can't go to Thanksgiving, they at least make a phone call.

But to me, I wasn't living this. Instead, I was preaching it to others but not living it myself. I didn't want to paint myself in a negative light (nobody does, right?), so I made it where I was never in the wrong. If somebody wanted to hang out with me, talk to me, or see me, they would have reached out. I didn't have to be in charge of all of that. And that was my mistake, and what almost ruined a lot of my relationships.

Thankfully, I learned my lesson before it was too late. I realized that I needed to make an effort. I had to make my friends and family realize they were important to me. I had to remind myself why God was so important to me; He died for me, after all. I think I can go without an extra hour of sleep.

I now have great friends whom, when I can't hang out, I make it a point to reschedule so they know they are important to me. My family and I are close again (probably even closer than before), and I know they've got my back no matter what, and I've got theirs. And my God and I, we are best friends again. I'd rather cancel plans than miss church or small group.

People make time for things that are important to them. If they don't make time for something, it most likely isn't important to them. Learn from my mistake; don't let what's important to you slip through your fingers. Because if you do, you may not be able to catch it before it falls.